Tiny Tyrant

Hunger Strike

2012-01-16T09:14:00.000-08:00

I never thought a dog that hasn't had trouble eating ever in his 13 years would go on a hunger strike. But that's exactly what my little schmuck is doing.

As stated previously, Cliff the Mutt spends his days chilling with Jackson the Beagle. Now J Boy has a herniated disk which hasn't given him trouble in a few years. Well a week and a half ago he started walking funny. Not good. Off to vet to get mega steroids to stop the swelling.

Since the risk of paralysis is high, Jackie is on enforced crate rest. He gets out of it to go outside. Cliff has decided he does not like this and will not eat unless Jack is trying to get to his food.

It's been 3 days since he's had a real meal. He's still running around and eating a little bot I'm about to buy a blender and start playing with syringes. He needs to eat and we can't risk J getting getting permanently paralyzed.

Little twerp's managed to put mom between a rock and a hard place. Seems he's forgotten I'm bigger than him and don't mind digging.

13 Years Ago I got the Best Present Ever

2011-12-24T00:30:00.000-08:00

In the form of this at 4 months old

I love you Cliffy Mutt.

I know I don't get 13 more years, but I'll take what you can give me and I promise not to make you suffer.

You are the best dog ever and in many ways the best being to have come into my life in the past 13 years. You are definitely the one constant.

I don't know what I'll do without you.

Love, 'Mom'

Knitting in Texas

2011-10-28T16:30:00.000-07:00

Or rather I would be if I weren't working 60 hour weeks right now.

Thank you to all the kind comments from the folks the bounced over from Stephanie's Blog.

I have spent a mini fortune at The Woolie Ewe since I've been here. It is a nice shop and the people that work there are very friendly but I admit to feeling way out of my element there.

I haven't been to the Shabby Sheep yet, but I'm working on that. I did hit Holley's Yarn Shoppe a few weeks ago and they were really nice to me as well. (Ok I didn't hit it, I paid for my purchases, promise).

A few people in the area have commented on the last post and I hope to get un-shy enough to take them up on their offers. For those just catching up (the old timers are laughing their butts off at the un-shying statement), it took me almost 6 months to work up the courage to go to the knit group back in Santa Rosa 4 years ago, and even though I've never regretted it, it was still hard to do. Complete and abject fear at meeting new people. Panic attack city.

I just tell people that Rosemary made me. ;-) And for those of you that love her patterns and pins, she is super sweet in person and just really really nice.

One of the main reasons I have a hard time meeting new people is my hearing. Most people get frustrated at having to repeat themselves and when you are trying to make friends, the last thing you want to do is annoy them right off the bat.

The local ladies that were at the book signing were perhaps also wondering who I was because I had a reserved seat. And given how late I got it, someone probably had to be moved for me to get that seat. So while I'm grateful to my friend Roger for calling the bookstore and making sure they could accommodate my hearing impairment (I usually just suffer in silence - no pun intended hehe), when I saw where they put me I was both thrilled (because I'd be able to see Stephanie - if I can see you I can hear you more easily - or rather read lips more easily) and terrified because I figure I sure wasn't making any friends with that maneuver.

So if someone had to move for me to get that seat, I am truly sorry.

It's Been a While

2011-10-24T21:02:00.000-07:00

I know it's been a while since I've been here.

Lots of life changes have been going on in my life this year, most initiated by me, and, in my mind, most necessary. Many of them weren't anything I could talk about till recently and some I won't talk about at all except to say that Ken and I have split and the decision was mine.

As if that isn't a big enough change, I took a position in our Plano Texas office recently. Yes that's right, I packed up a U-Haul with all my stuff, put the Explorer on a trailer and drove across the country.

The guys in the Plano office have been really helpful and making me feel welcome.

You already know that I lost Oscar and that I almost lost Cliff the Mutt. Even though he's apparently allergic to Texas, he is actually doing better and I'm glad he's still with me.

He and I have a little apartment in Allen. We like it even if I seem to be spending more than 50% of my time at work. I'm working on that. Cliff gets to spend the day with a friend's dog, so he's not alone and it's working out well for both parties, because my friend's dog isn't alone now either and he and Cliff are just like the 'Odd Couple.'

That's them, Cliff and Jackson.

Some things don't change though. I'm still knitting. I still have way too many projects on the needles at once, but we all know how much I love yarn.

One of the thins I still try to do daily is read the Yarn Harlot's blog because she's just so funny and she really makes some gorgeous stuff.

I haven't missed one of her book tours since I found her in 2007. She has a new book out called All Wound Up and I've already read it cover to cover and checked to see if she would be close by on this tour.

Since Plano is to Dallas as Petaluma is to Santa Rosa, it looked like she'd be close. Then I looked up the venue, A Real Bookstore, and it's less than 5 miles from my apartment. I was totally going.

There's only one problem. Except for the folks at work, and they don't knit, I still don't know anyone here. Every single book signing I've gone to of Stephanie's I haven't gone alone. And I sure as heck wasn't ready to this time, but neither was I missing it.

So I sucked it up and went. I've been following the current one. And as usual, it seems, she's not always getting enough time to eat. I try to give her something when I see her, even if I know probably half of it can't make it home, suitcases are only so big, so I figured to bring something she wouldn't have to pack. I think a beer, a small box of good crackers, three cheeses (real cheese), some Nutella in a cool single serving package and a small thing of coffee (to take home) would go over nicely, and I made sure she had a little cheese knife in there too.

I hope she likes it. It's always cool when she remembers me given all the people she sees on these tours. She did say for a minute she wasn't sure she was in Texas, since I always see her in California. And no I'm not stalking her. She's genuinely nice and funny and grateful for the fact that she gets to do this for a living. So when I see her I'll make darn sure she gets some kindness back and I'll buy anything she writes.

So I still don't know any knitters here really (there's a member of my International Sock Swap that lives close by but I haven't met her in person) and after tonight I'm sure the local knitting clicks wonder why the heck she took my picture.

But I'm just me. Another knitter, another Yarn Harlot fan, another person looking for friends in a new place. Maybe this will help. Maybe it won't, but, if nothing else, I took myself outside of my normal comfort zone and went even when I was terrified to go alone (painfully devastatingly shy am I). And you know what? I survived. I had a mini panic attack, but I got over it and I didn't bolt, because, damnit, I was making sure she got dinner.

The Scare of a Lifetime

2011-07-22T16:52:00.000-07:00

Most of you that read this drivel I post know that I've had Cliff the Mutt since he was 4 months old. Well that little fur slug will be 13 next month and he almost didn't make it.

He is the one that has been with me through thick and thin, marriage, divorce, marriage, failed baby attempts and many surgeries.

He's never judged me. He's always been by my side. In returned, I made sure he was well trained, well behaved, had a solid routine, good food, soft blankies and a rotating roster of canine and feline step brothers and sisters over the years.

For all these years I've been really lucky with Cliff health wise. The vet I had when I first got him tried to convince me he absolutely needed knee surgery or he'd never walk again. He has a genetic defect called Sublimating Patellas, meaning you can dislocate his back legs at will if you are being a jerk and messing with my dog. It's not life shortening. I keep his weight under control, and 10 years since I found out about his knees, they have never been an issue.

Cliff and I have been a Pet Assisted Therapy Team for the Sonoma County Humane Society. The little old ladies at a couple of local Alzheimer's facilities just adored him when we made the rounds.

People still see him and ask how old my 'puppy' is and are just shocked when they find out his age.

Cliff and I have been gearing up for a major life change and being a responsible pet owner he had his check up at the vet. We found out that his heart murmur had exponentially increased in the last year. That was scare enough since it's the heart murmur Oscar had that killed him. I'm not ready to lose another pet right now to the Rainbow Bridge.

So Cliff started heart meds (if only we'd known Oscar's had gotten bad enough for it but he didn't make it to his yearly :-( ) and then I had to go out of town for a week. Cliff stopped eating two days before I got home. He could be coaxed to have a little and then he'd walk away.

Last Tuesday morning (July 12th) he wouldn't get out of bed. So I got to work and called the vet and said get me in please. They kept him that thinking it was something intestinal since he wouldn't eat. Gave him barium to track in through his system and he stayed there the rest of the day. I got to go back at 5:30 and the diagnosis was blocked small intestines which means surgery. Which means Mom bursting into tears.

Surgery that requires opening up the intestines is inherently high risk but not doing it meant a painful death for my boy if there really was a block, so off to the emergency clinic that would do the surgery where he would spend the night and have surgery the next day.

This is the first time in the entire time I've had Cliff that he's ever had to stay over night with strangers, let alone one that came at him with sharp objects. So Wednesday, July 13th (there's that number again and I'm not really superstitious about it) they open him up in the morning and I call back all day to get an update.

Update is - No block!?!?!? What? I cut him open for nothing! Calm down Ms Rinella.... Turns out Cliff's allergies have finally taken it to a whole new level and he has lymphacytic/plasmacytic Inflammatory Bowel Disease and it was bad enough that the walls of his intestines in at least one location had swelled to the almost blocking point.

Since they cut open his intestines they had to keep him a few days. Neither of us handled it very well. Finally I got to bring him home on Friday afternoon. He went berserk when they brought him in to me (my boy loves me). Luckily, this disease can be cured 90% of the time with a dietary change, so he is on a new food.

One week later he's completed his antibiotics. He doesn't seem to like his new food much, but I think that will change when he realizes he doesn't have a choice. Since he still has stitches, he's hanging with me at work this week so I can keep an eye on him. (Many thanks to my boss for that). Those come out next Thursday.

All I know is how grateful I am that I still have my little fur slug. He's recovering well. The incision site looks good. Separation anxiety is high, which is understandable.

He's one the best things in my life right now and I'm not taking any days I have with him for granted. This was a scare, but one we are both making it through. He's my boy, and I'm the only 'Mom' he's known. I'll continue to spend the rest of his days making sure he's happy, healthy and put quality of life over quantity. I almost lost him, and almost had to make 'that' decision, but I would have made the right one for him, because he's all that matters.

Oscar, My Oscar

2011-06-20T08:53:00.000-07:00

Oscar came to us 7 years ago on May 19, 2011.

I had been looking for another dog after we bought the Velma house and so I was hitting the local shelter sites regularly.

During the same time period I could have gotten my hands on a puppy from the Sonoma County Humane Society, but I kept coming back to this sweet boy's picture at the Healdsburg Animal Shelter web site.

I knew there wouldn't be a problem with the puppies getting a home, but he was an older dog at 6 years of age so I went and saw him on the 18th.

I liked what I saw and took Cliff the Mutt back with me the next day and they didn't have problems so I could bring him home.

I admit that I ran roughshod over Slugbo to get this dog. He didn't get to meet him till I brought him home. And that was probably a really bad idea. Everything on the form the people that relinquished him filled out made him spectacularly unsuited for our home.

I didn't care. I wanted him and I brought him home.

He was very terrified of men. Ran from Slugbo all the time. Hid when he could, tried to melt into the floor when he couldn't. Stuck to me like glue.

Slugbo started attaching Oscar to him with a leash when they were both in the house. He started being the one to feed him. Nothing was working. He wouldn't turn that corner and realize he was safe with both of us.

We were getting ready to take him back since this was hard on Slugbo too. He loves animals as much as I do, and having Oscar fear him so much without cause from him, really really hurt. Then I went out of town for a long weekend and Oscar HAD to deal with Slugbo for everything.

That trip was the best thing that could have happened and Oscar started coming out of his shell. He slowly stopped hiding from the multitude of people that would be in and out of our house and office on a regular basis.

He still warms up to women first, but he's happy to see most people now and will say hi if he hasn't met you before.

Since Scrat Monster joined up Oscar came out of his shell further. He would play. He would wrestle. He would chase and he even started fetching. He didn't know how to play without teeth, so we had to be careful, but he was playing and that was all that mattered.

We lost Oscar last Monday, June 13, 2011, rather unexpectedly.

I was home sick. He was with me. He came in and hopped up on my bed and threw up (thank you doggy boy). I put him outside and he got some water and went and laid in the sun while I cleaned up the mess.

I went back out 20 minutes or so later and didn't see him. Ended up finding him behind the house in the sun unresponsive. I called Slugbo in a panic. He agreed to meet me at PetCare. I grabbed Oscar's favorite quilt and wrapped him in it and ran to the car. Cliff was completely freaking out when he saw me carrying Oscar in. :-(

Slugbo had the nurse at PetCare in the parking lot waiting for me and they had him out of the car before I'd finished parking. They took him back and we waited and I tried to tell Slubgo what happened.

The vet came in and told us they were trying. Oxygen, meds, everything they could. It didn't work. They think that because he had a heart murmur that was steadily getting worse, that when he threw up he also threw a blood clot and he stroked out.

It kills me that he was alone when it happened. They say I could not have prevented it, but I could have been with him. I don't know if he was in pain, or if he cried at all. I just know he alone, but he was in the sun, his next favorite place to be.

Slugbo and I miss him dearly. He's buried under the oak trees in the side yard so he will always have the sun on him. He's wrapped in his favorite quilt, the one he liked to chew holes in. He's encase in stone tile as well and he has a tag so if for some reason he's ever found again, the ones that find him will know he was loved and will hopefully leave him be.

I love you Oscar. I'm glad we got those 7 years. I think we made you happy and I hope you died less afraid and more trusting of people thanks to Slugbo, I and our friends that miss you too.

21 Years Ago...

2011-05-26T14:33:00.000-07:00

a very special person came into being.

While I knew I would not be able to raise him myself, I did everything I could to make certain that he would get the life he deserved. Even if that life was not with me.

I have no regrets. The decision was the best for us both and I believe we are both better people than we would have been because of the decision I made. His parents got to raise a wonderful child, he was safe, happy, healthy, loved and cared for, and I was able to make my life something I'm proud to get to tell him about today.

Alex, I hope you have a wonderful day today. You are funny, sweet, dramatic, goofy...

I am happy and grateful for the time you and your parents have given in the past year so that I can finally get to know you. It is more than I'd ever dared to hope for.

Here's to many more years with you as a part of my life.

Cutting Ties

2011-02-16T10:25:00.000-08:00

As anyone that has read my blog for the past few years knows, life tends to throw us curves that are usually unexpected and equally unwelcome. I know life throws all of us curves. Some good, some bad, some neutral. We learn to live with them and carry on.

I don't talk about my family much outside of Slugbo and the fur babies and things that are going on with Alex (and mention of him is pretty minimal). But sometimes you see random posts here and there.

I had a brother and I have an older sister I grew up with. All of us adopted. We are not close though we've tried. The past couple of years were easier with her, but it still seemed mostly like a one way street. I call to check in or to let her know what is going on with the parents. I try to find out what is going on with her and her kids (sorry Michael - you may be almost 25 but you're still my nephew and therefore a kid ;-) ) and her husband. But it's me making first contact 99% of the time.

She has her own reasons for not talking to the parents anymore. I don't get in the way of that. It's her decision and one she felt she needed to make for herself.

A couple of months ago she basically dropped a bomb on me and flat out refuses to explain further or elaborate on what was discussed. Rather than answer my question she has decided to walk away from this in light of other things that are going on in her life.

Unfortunately the whole situation drove home a point that my sister does not really seem to consider me her sister or rather family. I am family when she needs me to be family. Like there is an off switch.

I've lived in California for 15 years this May. I've been married here twice. She's been invited multiple times and was invited to both weddings.

Not once has she come to visit since I've been here. She's been invited. I've been to her, multiple times. When she moved to NM, I didn't even find out till I tried to call and wish her happy anniversary and found out her old phone number had been disconnected. I had to call my parents to find out where she was. And that was during a time when we seemed closer.

I understand that times are tough. Her life has been a roller coaster for much of the past 15 years but you make time for family.

I understand that she has her immediate family. Her husband and her two boys. They've supported her through some truly horrible experiences. She has at this time decided that they are all the family she needs.

I hope that is the case. I hope they are enough. I hope she knows I'm here when she ready to acknowledge that being adopted doesn't make us less family. She's still my sister.

But at this time I chose for my sanity to cut ties. She has her issues she needs to work out. She doesn't want my help nor my support. And I fully admit that I'm not willing to talk to her until she is ready to either defuse the bomb she dropped on me or follow through with the destruction it will cause. Either way I want more information and she won't provide it.

I'm done playing the game. I don't need a fair weather sister. Neither do I need a sister that only contacts me when she needs me on her side for something. Family is family no matter what is going on. Which just shows again, that from where I'm standing, I'm not her family.

I hope I'm wrong. Time will tell and we shall see. But until she's ready I'm done. I know at least one of her boys might see this and I hope he understands that I'm not trying to slam his mother in any way. I'm just tired of the games. My door is always open to all of them. They just need to get to it on their own, since asking and begging and guilt trips haven't worked yet.

So the next step is hers. I'll let you all know if she takes it. I shan't be holding my breathe.

Ring the Bell

2010-12-31T13:34:00.000-08:00

And the end of 2010 is nigh.

It's the last day of the year and as hopeful as I was for 2010, I am glad that it is over.

There was a lot of loss in our lives this year from Smokey Cat to the end of our dream of children. But some of the loss was good in that I am 95% pain free for the first time in about three years. That's definitely something to be thankful for even if the route taken to end the pain caused so many tears.

I got to meet my son this year, which is something I never truly believed would happen. It's doesn't matter if all time spent has been on the internet. We are learning about each and this way is working for us. He is joy to know and I'm grateful for the chance.

Many friends came through in a pinch during my medical trials this year. You know who you are. It would not have gone as smoothly if it hadn't been for your help and support.

We lost Smokey Cat and I miss him dearly. But we are grateful that the rest of the menagerie is still doing well in spite of the scare Scrat gave us at the beginning on 2010. When you have three 12 years old and two 11 years old animals, (Scrat's only 4) the writing is on the wall for some sad years to come. But they are healthy and happy right now and a joy to us both.

So the end of year comes with friends and furbabies alike. Ken is winging off for a much needed vacation with friends. I am hanging with friends tonight and holding down the home fort while Ken is gone.

Thanks again to all my friends that helped us out this year and stood by us during some pretty rough times. They aren't over but there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

However you ring the bell on the end of 2010 and usher in 2011, I wish you all healthy, happiness and joy in the New Year.

Forty

2010-12-17T12:25:00.001-08:00

It's a milestone he didn't reach, among others.

This year it seems to be hitting me harder that my brother is no longer with us.

His 40th birthday would have been this past Sunday, the 12th. I would have posted then but I was busy trying to get myself to NYC from Oakland in one piece and the weather was not cooperating.

I'm home now and I've been thinking about him a lot this week.

40 is a year to celebrate and he should have been here for it.

While he may have done some stupid things in his short life, Robbie wasn't a stupid person. Which makes his final action even more unfathomable to this day.

I've been to the dark place that he didn't return from. I know that life can throw stuff at us that makes us think that escaping life is easier than staying. I've managed to pull myself back and I won't let myself go there again. It's a daily struggle (that's the way depression works, you know?) but I know how strong I am.

I wish Robbie had been strong enough to say "Enough!" to whatever was making him feel the way he was and I wish he'd known he could have asked me for help and that I'd have done everything possible to keep him here.

Happy 40th Birthday Robbie. My wish for you is that you were still here, but since I can't have that I hope you are finally at peace. It's something we all deserve, but don't always manage.

What to do? How to Explain?

2010-12-07T06:37:00.000-08:00

As we all can see, I'm not really blogging right now.

Most of the reasons are personal and for one situation, I'm not really sure how far I can go on my blog, even though it is my blog, before someone gets hurt. And someone will and I'm trying to make sure it's not me. The other situation is something that paints me in a very bad light, not that that usually bothers me, but it dates back 21 years and I lost friends then over it and I'm not looking forward to the possibility again. Granted, I'll be the first to admit that I have absolutely no use for 'fair weather' only friends. The event 21 years ago showed me that and the friends that stood by me then are still strong friends to this day.

Situation 1: A person has opened a door with some information that could possibly explain my whole family dynamic. It could explain why my sister and my brother paired off all the time. I used to think it was because they both had similar coloring to each other - close enough to be blood related, and most of the rest of the family, included extended didn't share that coloring. The information is something that completely blindsided me and I don't think I'm truly believed when I state that I had no clue.

My main problems with this are: 1. There is no way to prove or disprove the information. It's all hearsay. 2. the person won't answer a few direct questions regarding the whole thing so that I can truly understand it's extent. 3. I don't honestly know how far this person is willing to go to drive a huge wedge in my life as pay back for not being one of the original affected parties, though I had NO CONTROL over that, to the point of making this whole thing up. (please remember I'm a cynic) 4. If it's true, so much other stuff could be explained that I'm NEVER going into detail about here or anywhere actually. 5. There is no use confronting the accused since no one in their right mind would verify this. Ever. I already know it will become a they said, they said kind of situation with me in the middle.

So I don't know what to do. Do I keep pushing on item 2? Do I change my mind about item 5? Right now I think the answer is yes and no respectively. Because the person should answer the questions. They opened the door; they don't get to back out halfway through. Maybe they have closure, but I sure as hell don't. As for 5, absolutely no good can come of me changing my mind, ever. Everyone loses, including me.

Situation 2: When I first found out/admitted I was pregnant 21 years ago I thought it was due to my attack on campus shortly after I came back for the school year. That would also be where the denial came in. The attack over shadowed everything else. Either way, family was told and appointments were made to take care of the 'situation'. At that appointment I found out I was farther along than the attack would warrant. There would be no taking care of the situation in 'that' manner any more. That was my decision. My body, my choice.

* Digression * And as it's my blog let me simply state that I sit on the fence regarding abortion. I don't see it as a means of birth control, but I do believe some situations call for it, mental and physical health of the mother at the front of that. That said, this is MY view. I don't care what your view is. I will listen to it, but I won't let you try to force me to change to my mind because you think your view is the only right one. You have your right to yours, just as I have a right to mine. Comments to the contrary will be deleted. * End Digression *

I named the father of the child as my long time boyfriend, who had broken up with me over the summer. I didn't expect anything from him and I made that very clear. Thing is I've always been good at math and it turns out the ex could count to, but he let the whole thing go forward and he was supportive in his own, but I didn't rely on him. Now please note that I'm not proud of myself. I can blame hormones and trauma and shock and whatever, but it was still me that did it. No one else.

The person that was/is the father was told flat out that he wasn't ('dated' him a month after the ex, and a month before the attack). Again, I made that decision. We were both in college. I was not moving to where he was, he wasn't moving to where I was (NY vs Alabama). We sure as heck weren't going to get married. We both needed to do what was best for the baby and for us. The problem with that, is I made ALL of the decisions for both of us without ever once giving him the opportunity to be included or to step up. Because I knew what was best for all parties involved and that was that. (Yes I was equally obnoxious at 19 as I am at 40). We completely lost touch after that.

Once I was willing to admit who the father was I tried to make sure the adoptive parents knew. I wasn't given that opportunity, thanks to my crap lawyer. I was supposed to get to meet them in person at the hospital after the delivery. It was scheduled and everything. So I was going tell them then. My lawyer decided to cancel the meeting and not bother to tell me about it. The baby went home with them, I signed the rest of the relinquishment papers. Life moved on.

Ex and I completely fell apart that summer. Not surprising. Wasn't mean to be. He and I did come to terms with the truth regarding who the father was a few years later and we both went our separate ways.

I kept track over the years of where the baby was, (I chose the parents and the name was distinct as well as the husband's profession). Called them once, okay Ken did - he is so fearless, just before Alex turned 12 to see if his hearing was fine, as my doctor requested we check if we could since we were doing genetic testing to try to find cause and possibility of passing it down to any other children. Ken reached Alex's mom and she was VERY nice on the phone (though I'm absolutely sure I'm the last person she expected when she picked up the phone that afternoon) and I finally got a chance to thank them through her.

As most of you know, I didn't try to make contact again till after Alex turned 18. And I promised to only make contact with the parents. Contact was made. They were/are very nice about all of it. They directed Alex to me this past May and its been a heck of ride.

But during all those years I was never able to find Alex's biological dad again, so I could set him straight and let him know. Because he did deserve to know. His university's alumni association wasn't very helpful, kudos to them actually. Google failed time and again and I didn't know his middle name, which might have helped. I'd search a couple of times a year and try to figure out what the heck I was going to say when I found him, how to explain why I did what I did.

In October Alex and I were chatting via IM and he was asking questions about his biological father (BF) that I couldn't answer. I could tell him where he went too school, what he looked like, what his major was, about how old he was. Both nothing about his heritage or how or where he grew up, nothing about siblings, family, etc. So Alex started Googling and actually got a couple of useful hits and sent the links to me. I hit the websites and the pictures looked like him. So I told Alex I would reach out. Yeah I was terrified, but this wasn't about me. It was about hooking them up and righting the wrong from 21 years ago.

So I hit LinkedIn, Facebook, Twitter and Namyz and as vaguely as I could asked if he was so and so from such and such and if he remembered the little brunette across the street. That was a Friday. I stalked my email ALL NIGHT waiting for a response. And there it was. The time had come. So I told him. He was shocked, happy, surprised, angry and forgiving.

Emails passed back and forth. He gave me contact information to give to Alex. He (the BF) and I had a really long talk a few days later where I got to explain why I did what I did so long ago. And to apologize and to promise to do everything I could do to make sure nothing was hidden about Alex and me and him ever again going forward. BF was sent pictures of Alex. Alex was given links to pictures of his BF.

Ken was told. BF was brought into WoW, because that is where Alex and I hook up mainly and they finally got to hook up in game and BF was ecstatic and Alex got to ask a lot of questions and Ken helped facilitate all of that too. And I got to watch and add my input and just see how well the two of them interacted. Ken was actually on the phone with Alex's BF during the whole exchange, since Ken was running him through some quests in WoW and talking is so much easier than typing for people that can hear. I think because of Wow, Ken and BF have talked more in the past 6 weeks then BF and I ever did in the past 21 years. And it's all good. I know they are discussing me some. I don't know what's being said, maybe they'll share that with me some day. But they are not obligated to do so.

The whole thing drove home to Ken a 20 + year old habit I have that drives him nuts. I will make decisions for most parties involved in something important, because I decide, after going through all the possible outcomes in my head, that I will just make the outcome I want to happen happen. That way I don't have to risk disappointment of someone not coming through for me and since the decisions are mine, whether they affect others, the responsibility is mine. If I know (or rather think I know) the other can't/won't step up, I will fill the gap by making sure they aren't ever asked to do so. It's certainly not fair to them, but it is the way I am. I am aware of this and trying to work on this, though not nearly quickly enough for all parties involved.

Alex's BF really really wants to talk to Alex on the phone ( I don't blame him ). Alex made a promise to himself that when he does get around to contacting either of us that way (its only been internet - Facebook, instant messaging, WoW and email for he and I) he will call me first. Only then will he call his BF. His BF is very close geographically and has a 2 year old son, so Alex has a half sibling. So they could definitely hook up in person well before he and I would be able to do so. And you know, I'm okay with all of that. I've told Alex he can call his BF first. He has said he's standing by his decision. And since Alex is driving this part of the show, all I can do is step back and watch and answer any questions from all involved parties and wait. And while, as we can all see now, that's not generally my way, I can be taught and I learn from my actions. Even if I'm not quick to change.

But I do know and have always known that every action has a consequence. Don't ever do something if you aren't able to face those consequences later. And no matter what I am or what people think of me, one thing I've learned in the past 20 years is to take responsibility for myself and my actions.

Something Tangible

2010-11-04T13:29:00.000-07:00

In this day and age of internet and digital media, I'm probably a throw back.

While I love Facebook, Twitter, blogs and Plurk and my digital cameras and my iPhone and my netBook, there are things that I want to be able put my hands on (for the smart alecs that read this - yes I know the cameras and the netBook and iPhone are tangible :-P ). There are also things I want to give to people.

Sometimes it is hand knits. Sometimes it is a piece of jewelry that reminds be of the person that gets it. Sometimes it is just a little something to let them know I saw this and it made me think of them.

Last year I gave our neighbor a necklace with a teacher pendant because I thought she'd like to have it for the new school year and I had no clue at the time when her birthday was. At the same time I got myself one similar that says " laugh often... love much." Both things that were very difficult after the year of failed fertility trials. But also things that I needed to remember.

As most of my readers know, my biological son was given my contact information by his parents starting in May of this year and he used it. Now he and I have never actually spoken (okay not since the day after he was born - he won't remember that) nor seen each other in person. All of our contact is online: chat, WoW, Facebook, Twitter, et cetera.

He knows how to get in touch with me when needed and I do hope to actually get to speak with him and meet him in person some day. It's his call to make, literally and figuratively.

That said, I wanted him to have something from me, so I have a hat in the works that he knows about. I'm also making a shawl for his mom. But those kinds of things are easy.

A few weeks ago I was browsing online looking for new pendants to go with the one mentioned above. Simple statements, nothing overtly religious since I'm not at all religious and I came across a cute little charm for a charm bracelet.

It was a little black enamel Scottie dog with a red enamel bow set in sterling silver. Now Alex lost his Mattie dog (a Scottie) back in May rather unexpectedly. And I'll see a post from him every so often about how much he misses him (and I don't blame him - I miss Smokey Cat fiercely right now and I'd give just about anything to have my Herky cat back and he's been gone 22 years).

The charm seemed perfect so I ordered it. Now I know where his parents live. I can pull their address up any time I want. I didn't have Alex's and I was afraid to ask for it and he hadn't offered. I didn't and still don't know how he'd feel about getting something tangible from me.

It took a couple of weeks to get up the nerve to ask him for his mailing address at school. He was kind enough to supply it. So I bought a card and stuck the charm in it and away it went.

I have no idea if he's received it or not. When he does, I hope he likes it, rather then is upset by it, since that was not my intent. Maybe he can stick it on his keychain or his back pack. Hopefully, as the pain of the loss lessens, when he sees it and thinks of Mattie, he can remember all the fun times they had together as boy and dog, as friends.

But it's something tangible and hopefully worth keeping. Unlike the monster tin of cookies I also had delivered that I'm sure he and his roommates have inhaled by now.

Are you okay?

2010-09-16T15:39:00.000-07:00

I'm getting asked this a lot these days as I heal and recover from the surgery.

Usually by people that know or by people that just found out but know our history.

There is no right answer for this question and it changes depending on my mood.

I am healing. I am getting my strength back. I am dealing with the fact that I cannot have children. I think I am as okay as I'm going to be for a while.

There is no quick way to get over the loss of such an important dream. All you can do is take it one day at a time.

And that is what I'm doing. And reading and knitting and watching a ton of TV and playing a lot of WoW.

One day at a time.

I get my medical clearance in a week (I hope) then back to work the following Monday. I'm looking forward to it.

Surgery on the Baby Ward

2010-08-18T11:46:00.000-07:00

So a week ago I went in for a surgery I wanted nothing to do with. I LOVE that my insurance called it elective and tried to deny me inpatient status.

Well they can pay for me being sick for years from the debilitating pain, or they can pay for the surgery. They are paying for the surgery and fixed the inpatient status.

So Wednesday was the surgery. Ken and Mom (a.k.a. Pat, Shawna's mom) were there with me when I went in. There were issues with the IV. That was a first. They tried twice and the second nurse thought she got a line the second time, but it hurt like hell.

Met the anesthesiologist. Nice gentleman.

Went up to the OR. Saw my doctor and said good bye to Ken. Wheeled into the operating room. Face mask. (joy) Anesthesiologist saw that the IV was bothering me and while I was going under said they'd move that (THANK goodness I was asleep for that since it went through the muscle of my forearm) and asked if I was right handed.

Next thing I know, I'm waking up in recovery an hour early and no one was there. Not their fault. The surgery took half the time they expected it to take. Mom and Shawna showed up shortly and the nurse called Ken for me and told him where I was.

Turns out the client server we'd spent all weekend working on crashed in the middle of my surgery (better it then me). Ken was there doing triage. Turns out he was there till 1 pm the next day getting it up and running. Of course I told him it was okay to be there than at the hospital. It needed to be taken care of and I was being taken care of. Made some quick text runs to make sure the dogs were taken care of for the night. Did the same in the morning to get the morning cat feeding and dog walking taken care of by a neighbor (thanks Carinne) and arranged to get the dogs to a friend's house through the weekend.

My first nurse was not very nice. The rest of them were very nice.

Turns out they put me on the fourth floor after the surgery. Also known as Labor and Delivery. Yes you heard me right. They put a woman that had had a hysterectomy on the baby floor. Granted I shared a room the first day with a woman in similar circumstances (she'd had the same surgery) but the rest of the floor was full of new mom's and pending new moms. The hospital was full that day. They didn't have anywhere to put us, but still it hurt.

Having to get up and walk around the corridors to keep things moving and seeing the new babies and the pregnant ladies and new moms was difficult. When Ken got there Thursday night he was not at all happy with my location.

I actually slept well that night. We finally got the pain under control, and my blood pressure which decided to try a limbo when it's already naturally pretty low. Friday morning Mom showed up and a nurse walked in and said she had meds for my new baby and asked if the baby was in the room... All I could say was she had the wrong room. They REALLY need to be more careful about that.

So I'm home. The weekend was uneventful. Got the doggies back Monday. Thank you Lisa.

Then Ken got a phone call from a Sutter nurse yesterday. They wanted to know how things were going with our new baby... He told them:

" you put my wife, who had been trying to get pregnant for 5 years till she was forced* to have a hysterectomy, in a room surrounded by new mothers and babies and you called to ask me how our child is doing?"

Let's say the nurse that called was speechless and then apologetic and perhaps in the future Sutter will be more careful with a certain subset of it's patients. I do like Sutter. Don't get me wrong, but this time around, some compassion and care to follow up would have been better.

So I'm home. A nurse from the insurance company called today to check on me and make sure I was following doctor's instructions, she cleared up the inpatient thing for me and told me about the nurse hotline number if I need anything.

The kitty cats are taking case of me and the doggies are hanging with Ken in the office most of the day and gentleness with them is being enforced in the evenings with me. Ken is doing his thing and making sure I don't need anything.

As for the surgery. Everything came out easy. I got to keep my ovaries. I now have incision marks on my tummy that resemble the Southern Cross without the central star. My scar tissue had attached to my bladder on two sides. There was excess scar tissue from the appendix removal too, so they cleaned that up. Given the fact that there is excess and by excess I mean a a band of it (I saw the pictures) running from the front abdominal wall to the bladder that wasn't there the last time they went in, this probably won't be the last time they have to go in for scar tissue issues. I truly think they should study it for it's regenerative properties. It might help burn victims or something.

*forced is perhaps not an appropriate word, but we opted for quality of life and that kind of pain held no quality. Keeping the ovaries means we can try to a surrogate later. And hopefully the physical pain will be gone. The emotional will be around for a while, but I'm strong, as the Fates keep requiring me to prove, and I'll persevere because it's what I do best.

It Can Not Have Been That Long

2010-08-10T14:52:00.000-07:00

The best doggy in the world, my Cliff the Mutt, turns 12 years old today.

This is the little yappy thing that weighed a whopping 8 pounds and had an infected jaw when I brought him home from the Humane Society December 24th, 1998.

He was mine from the first moment I and my first husband saw him.

I got to bring him home. He was FREE because he'd already been adopted once by a family with a 2 year old that they didn't train to handle dogs, so she got bit (no I do NOT blame him for that, I blame those people but it meant I got the greatest dog ever).

He spent the day curled up in my lap.

He passed obedience school with flying colors.

He turned into a wonderful therapy dog.

He loves kids and babies and they in kind can now do anything to him they want without risk of getting hurt. (Yes I make sure they don't go too far)

I love all my animals, but he is my best boy. I've had him longer than any of them.

He helped me through my divorce.

He's helped me through the pain of the past few years.

And I expect he'll help me through the pain of the next six weeks.

While Oscar is the neurotic one, and Scrat is the fun one, Cliff is my rock.

He's always there when I need him.

Love you bunches and bunches Cliffy Mutt.

You are my joy!

Wordless Wednesday

2010-08-04T07:59:00.000-07:00

Under the Apple Tree

2010-07-23T09:10:00.001-07:00

is where he'll be.

Love you Smokey Cat.

Oh Smokey Cat...

2010-07-20T10:01:00.000-07:00

I was home yesterday afternoon due to a migraine.

On the way home I was thinking about Smokey Cat. He stopped eating on Saturday. He stopped drinking a recognizable amount of water Sunday night.

He's only 10 years old and he's been under my care for 7 of those. He was a semi feral. One of the neighborhood cats. We think he's related via mom to our other three cats. He was people shy, but he eventually (over 9 months) warmed up to me and we brought him with us when we moved. He had a broken tail and had never been to the vet.

The tail healed on it's own. He took to his first vet visit like a pro. ( He is the BEST cat at the vet. ) He's a complete love now. Likes to cuddle. Wants to spend time inside with us at night. Would meow, LOUDLY, to come in.

Last spring he got into a fight with another cat/animal and we didn't know. We didn't find out till I noticed one day before Memorial Day weekend that the left side of his face was completely swollen. I SHOULD have noticed it sooner.

He got brought inside for the long weekend. We didn't think he'd make it and still didn't know he had an abscess till it ruptured on it's own Sunday night. It was disgusting, I walked in and there was blood everywhere (in the laundry room thank goodness). We spent the next hour draining it and kept an eye on him all day Monday and Ken took him straight to the vet on Tuesday morning.

We got that taken care of and found out his kidneys were starting to go, most likely because he had the infection for so long.

So we tried to change him to special prescription food. Ha! He wouldn't eat it. Switched him back to the normal food and made sure he had plenty of water around the property.

Then we come full circle to this year's visit. He got sluggish the day before it. Just sat and stared at his water dish out front. That was three weeks ago.

We brought him inside permanently. Spent two weeks trying to stabilize him and he was eating, mostly, and drinking, but he wasn't happy. So back to the vet for more antibiotics and asked about quality versus quantity and I was willing to say goodbye if not ready.

We brought him home and moved the dogs into the kids room, and Smokey into my craft room. I brought in his condo and a new kitty Kuranda bed, which he loves. And he has seemed happier for the past week, but he is still losing weight.

Then he stopped eating and now with the not drinking.

So he got lots of cuddle time yesterday with me while I slept off the migraine. And he is first priority at home for whatever time we have left with him. If we make it to Saturday we will be saying goodbye then, else it will be sooner.

It seems that the animals that had the most to overcome starting out are the ones that get to spend the least amount of time with us. I know that my Herky kitty and Slugbo's Houston kitty will probably be there to help guide him across 'the bridge' but I still hate to see him go.

I'm going to miss you Smokey Cat. You overcame so much to become a really good cat and I hope you were happy with us. If nothing else, you got a whole lot more birds to stalk at the new house all these past 6 years. You are my bestest kitteh boy and you have the softest paws ever.

***

We are saying good bye to Smokey Cat Thursday at 5 pm. :-(

Dreams Move On

2010-07-07T16:35:00.000-07:00

Dreams can be those you have during sleep.

Dreams can be day dreams that get you through the boredom.

Dreams can be those hopes you have for the future.

Some dreams become reality. Others move on.

Right now the dream of children in our household has moved on.

I will be having a surgery within the next 6 to 8 weeks that I'd hoped to avoid. That I'd hoped to put off for one more IVF attempt. That I'd hoped could be held off to give me time to make this dream a reality.

But it was not meant to be. Whatever fate has in store for us right now does not include children.

There are other roadblocks in our way right now for alternate options. We are working on knocking them down, but the truth is they might defeat us.

So for now, the dream of children has moved on.

Here's hoping it may come back some day.

4 Cats, 3 Dogs, 2 Owners, 1 Vet Visit...

2010-06-29T10:35:00.000-07:00

Talk about a three ring circus.

Yesterday was an epic vet visit. And the first time we've taken the entire horde into the vet at the same time.

Hubby had kitty crate stuffing duty (which he managed unscathed in spite of Nemo's admirable attempts to the alternative), while I headed home early from work. I ended up stopping to try to help with the mega brush fires that started on Stony Point road yesterday when I hit the area (it was NOT my car that started them thank you very much). I left the area when I saw the first firefighter actually pull a hose off the truck to start stopping this thing, which still ended up burning through 75 acres of hay and pasture to 101. And yeah I LOVED (not) that calling 911 from my cell got a busy signal for 3 minutes till I called work and asked a friend to look up the number for dispatch for Petaluma Fire.

I got home and hubby had all 7 animals in the car (OMG the cats were pissed and very vocal about it). I followed him to the vet since I had another appt right after. Dogs in first. Car parked in shade with AC going full blast while we had the dogs inside.

Doggies up to bat with Scrat the Brat leading the pack. He's lost another pound, but the vet says that is okay as he looks good. One shot and he's done.

Oscar the Dog up next. He's holding steady at 23+ pounds. His heart murmurs (both sides) are getting louder (4 on a scale of 1 to 6), so we need to keep an eye on him. One shot and he's done.

Cliff the Mutt is up next. He gets a full exam because we haven't had to bring him in for anything yet this year (thank you!). He has a heart murmur now on both sides, 2 on the left and 1 on the right on the 1 to 6 loudness scale. He and Oscar are both 12 this year and therefore 5 years into being senior mutts. So we got information on canine heart disease. Things to look out for (coughing bad, very bad, means possible pushed back blood in lungs). And he's holding steady at 13 pounds.

Dogs out to the Air conditioned car and vocal kitty chorus gets brought it.

The kitty queue is lead by Mr. I'm Pissed and the ENTIRE World Needs to Know this NOW, aka Nemo. 3 shots, 1 weighing (9 pounds the tubbo) and heart and teeth check later he's done and STILL pissed and stuffed back in his carry bag.

Now it's time for Rasta, 'Become the Pancake - She cannot see me if I flatten myself into the table' cat. 13 pounds (OMG he is SO going on a diet), three shots, two potty accidents and heart check later he's HAPPY to be back in his bag. Impersonating a pancake is tough work for 13 pounds of cat.

Those two get taken back out while the next two are fielded.

Kaji Cutie (more like Kaji, I will shred you, kitty) is up. She needs dental work done. She's up to 9 pounds from 7 (so diet there too). Three shots later and she's ready to go.

Smokey was left for last for a reason. He's our current medical problem child and he went downhill Sunday so I was grateful for today's appt.

He's down to 5 pounds, from an already too light 7. Severely dehydrated in spite of multiple water locations around the property for him. The heat and his bad kidneys are working against him. They took blood and urine and gave him fluids. He needs to get fluids subcutaneously, so we have a saline kit for him.

Bottom line, Smokey Cat needs to become an indoor cat. The heat is too much for him. He has an infection and his kidneys are failing which mean continuous fluids and antibiotics in perpetuity. He should get wet food now in order to help him get more fluids. Now we need to make that happen without major cat fights or spraying or litter box problems. This means that Smokey is probably getting his own room and the dogs are getting moved to a different room or the main house proper.

We will make it work. He's come a long way with us and we will see him to the end and take the best care we can of him.

Welcome to the indoor life Smokey Cat.

Cosmology Corner: Feel the Power of the Dark Side

2010-06-09T13:35:00.000-07:00

Imagine you are lying on your back at the end of a dock at 2 am in the Tahitian islands in the South Pacific. Your feet are dangling in the warm water. There is no light pollution and not a cloud in the sky.

There is so much to see. You pick out the Centaur, the Southern Cross, and the Coal Sack. The Milky Way is a bright band of light across the sky.

Even if you are not an astronomy buff, you cannot help but be astounded by the wonders of the night sky above you.

The universe as we know it contains hundreds of billions of galaxies, innumerable nebulae, and a number of stars and other objects beyond our ability to count in one lifetime, let alone a thousand lifetimes.

What if I told you that everything that we can see up there is only 4% of everything in the universe? As incredible as that statement may be, I would not be wrong in stating this.

So what is the rest of it? Think about it. That is a whole lot of nothing compared to a little bit of something

It is currently thought that Dark Matter makes up about 22% and Dark Energy is the remaining 74%. Given what the night sky looks like under ideal viewing conditions, that is a whole lot of darkness that is the rest of that great expanse.

Considering that 96% of the universe is not visible at any wavelength, how do we know anything about it?

Dark Matter was first inferred by Fritz Zwicky in 1933. By studying the rotational curves of galaxies considered to be like our own Milky Way, he deduced that if there were not some form of invisible matter, all the stars towards the outer edges of the galaxies should be shooting off into space given their observed rotational speed. Something had to be holding all of those visible objects to their galactic plane.

Over the past 77 years more and more evidence towards the existence of dark matter has been found.

For instance, from the imaging of the Hubble Space Telescope we have another strong indicator for the presence of dark matter: Gravitational Lensing. This was observed when the HST imaged the galactic cluster Abell 2029. The mass of this galactic cluster and its associated dark matter, make it possible to ‘see’ a galaxy that is directly behind the cluster. This is because the mass of the cluster bends the light of the hidden galaxy around it. When imaged, the HST picked up the lensing arcs, and it was determined that the cluster had to contain approximately 10^14 Suns worth of dark matter to make the light from the galaxy lens in that manner.

The gentleman for whom the HST was named, Edwin Hubble, came up with what is known as Hubble’s Law, which can be used to determine how fast an object (usually a galaxy) is moving away from us. Hubble’s Law, and observations made by his namesake, shows us that the universe is expanding. This is one of the single greatest points of evidence to support the Big Bang Theory.

However, recent observations and other experiments have given us an anomaly. Evidence has arisen that shows that the expansion of the universe is accelerating.

Dark Energy is the label given by scientists to the energy that has to exist to explain this acceleration. There is some form of energy that scientists have not yet fully quantified that is making the universe expand faster with each passing moment.

Given the rate of accelerating expansion and other observations, that energy has to make up approximately 74% of the universe. Exactly what is it and how it behaves is the subject of much speculation.

Even with everything known to date about the state of the universe and its contents, we still have a lot to learn about its composition and its future.

But we do know that darkness will lead the way.

------------------------------

If I'm lucky this will show up in the next issue of Focus, the Valley of the Moon Observatory Association's newsletter.

Learning to Stand

2010-06-02T00:00:00.000-07:00

It's blog tour book review time in Tiny Tyrant land.

****************************************

Alex the Fey is back again in Claudia Hall Christian's follow up to 'The Fey.'

'Learning to Stand' finds our Alex doing just that - trying to get back on her feet after the devastation and destruction of the events of the last novel turn our heroine into a shell of her former self.

Alex is set to lead a new team to take the place of the team she lost. At the same time, she is struggling to keep herself alive since there is still a contract out on her.

It appears as though the confidence and strength that made up our heroine in 'The Fey' has deserted her, while she struggles to

come to terms with her new physical limitations
the lose of the her original team and the memories surrounding that
her 'seeming' lack of ability to get her new team to work as one cohesive unit
personal loss for her and her husband John

The main plot of this installment is the search for a missing friend of the president. Since Alex's team was the best at extractions, they are setting up the new team ASAP at the behest of their Commander in Chief. In the course of looking for this person, they start to unearth just how far people are willing to go to make sure that Alex does not get back on her feet.

With the help of Jesse, Raz, White Boy, The Jakker, John, Max and more family and friends, Alex begins to see that while the past events that lead to this stage of her life have knock her down and beat the hell out of her, she is not down for the count.

She sees that our past shapes our future and she is strong enough to do what needs to be done to make sure she stays on her feet this time around.

****************************************

Claudia is a dear friend. I love her books. This was an excellent follow up to 'The Fey'. You get to see that Alex is human like the rest of, even if she is still a rather exceptional human being.

I highly recommend it as well as the rest of Claudia's work. If you would like to read more fiction by Claudia, check her out at Denver Cereal.

If you would like to purchase some of her work, use the discount code "BLOGTOUR" on checkout at any of the following links:

This discount is only available at the above sites.

If you have any questions for CHC, leave them in the comments.

No Longer a Teen

2010-05-26T09:47:00.000-07:00

20 years old.

It is a milestone.

I cannot believe it has been that long.

From what contact I have had in the past week, you are...

amazing
kind
hyper
happy
generous
gregarious
smart

Thank you for being willing to let me into your life at this time.

Happy Happy Birthday. Hope it is a great one.

Someone New Might Stop By

2010-05-20T15:11:00.000-07:00

I received some news today I didn't expect to receive for a long time.

It's private. It's exciting. It's scary.

But with the news there might be someone new stopping by the blog and I just want to say...

Hi.

Welcome.

Hope you don't think I'm too crazy.

I'm here if you have questions, and I'll answer what I can.

I'll let you go first.

I've been where you are and I know how big a step this is.

Your friend from afar.

Why?

2010-05-14T10:20:00.000-07:00

Today is an anniversary.

It is hard to believe that my brother would have been 40 this year.

It has been 23 years since he passed by his own hand.

Most of us know, though hopefully not all first hand because I wouldn't wish this on any one, that while the departed is probably in a happier place, those left behind are left with one main question:

Why?

Robbie and I had a huge fight two days before his death. As with most sibling fights, it ended with me telling him to drop dead. Knowing what I know now probably would not have stopped those words from coming out of my mouth. We were both 16 (I'm 3 months older) and we drove each other up the wall. It was not the first time I told him that, and he certainly said it to me enough times.

Yes, I know my brother did not choose to end his life because I told him to do so.
Are you kidding me? Robbie didn't listen to many people and definitely not to me. If he did, he'd have probably done so the previous summer before I deliberately went to stay with a cousin so we would not kill each other. I took myself out of the equation of a long summer of sibling fights to try to maintain a relationship with my brother that did not involve trying to strangle one another on a regular basis.

As Slugbo and I dive deeper into the adoption and foster abyss, we are seeing how many 'problems' can occur from attachment issues. Even from the youngest ages.

Our family was not Robbie's first placement. He had been adopted before. The couple that adopted him got divorced and put him back into the system (do NOT even get me started on why they were ever approved to adopt in the first place). You cannot tell me that a 2 year old doesn't have some unresolved issue surrounding that.

Can we blame those people? Sure. Would we be right? Doubtful. I'd still like to find them some day and slap the tar out of them for putting a 2 year old through that.

There were any number of factors that were involved in the development of my brother's psyche. And none of us that were close to him ever saw that anything was so wrong that he would choose that way out. At least I did not see this coming. I cannot speak for the rest of my family members and since they haven't discussed anything about this since it happened and it serves no purpose now, what's the point?

I will always wonder what he'd be like if he were still around. The remaining family is not close to this day, though I try to keep in touch. His departure could be a factor. It could just be the way we are as a family.

That said, he will always be missed.

I'll leave you all with this song today.

Rascal Flatt's

The part of it that strikes home the most is

'Oh, but I do have one burning question
Who told you life wasn't worth the fight?
They were wrong, they lied, and now you're gone, and we cried'

Remembering a Friend

2010-04-28T13:59:00.000-07:00

I moved to California from Alabama almost exactly 14 years ago.

When I still lived there, I did a lot more cross stitch then I do these days. And part of that hobby was hanging out on the newsgroup, r.c.t.n. rec.crafts.textiles.needlepoint

When we found out that my first husband (fiance at the time) was taking a job here, I immediately hit rctn and asked if anyone was in the area, could tell me anything about it, what could we expect, etc?

Elaine responded. I knew her some already because we also have hearing loss in common. Hers due to illness, mine due to no known cause.

In the middle of a whole mess of getting the fiance moved, finishing up a semester of school, working part time, packing up our house and moving back in with my parents till I could finish my co-op commitment, and getting the dog and cat shipped to to California, Elaine offered advice where she could.

I flew out there for Christmas of 95 and she invited us to her home. Two people she only knew on the internet. She was that kind of person.

We kept in touch while I went home and got approved to start at SSU in the fall. She was excited for me when I got my internship at HP. I was excited to hear about her cochlear implant.

I got into town officially on May 9, 1996 after a very long cross country drive. The following week Elaine kidnapped me and made sure I knew where all the good craft stores were. She took me to lunch for Mongolian BBQ. She made me feel welcome.

4 months later, she and friend back in Alabama, Karin, conspired to make sure my birthday didn't pass by unnoticed. The fiance was working crazy hours and was never really home much. I was so grateful because I didn't know a soul and had no other friends here and classes hadn't started yet and I didn't socialize with anyone from work because the fiance worked there too.

Over the next couple of years we saw each other regularly. We had cross stitch night with friends at my house a few times a year. She and I went to a CATS convention in Sacramento one year (she's a great lady but I never got in a car with her again after that trip - a long story for another time).

I finished my second degree. Got a real job. Got married. Got absorbed with that and while Elaine and I still kept in touch via email, we didn't see each other much again until I showed up at a guild knit night 3 years ago at the local Borders.

We caught up. Her CCI dog was wonderful. Her daughter was all grown up. Elaine knit some beautiful lace. So we shared a love of knitting as well.

We never fully hooked up again. We only saw each other on the occasionally knit night that I made it to during the week.

Elaine passed away on April 15th. She was only 56. I guess the good do die young, because they didn't come any better than her.

I am forever grateful that she made this hick's transition to northern California much smoother and much more pleasant than it had any right to be.

Things that Make Me Stabbity

2010-04-01T13:54:00.000-07:00

At a loss for today mostly because of a Prednisone induced beyond horrid mood.

So you're stuck with a Thursday Thirteen list.

The stock market. Hubby is dabbling and it's going to give me an aneurysm.
The people in my astronomy class that only acknowledge my existence when they need help.
A person in my circle of existence that is expecting a child and not doing anything to make certain that child is healthy. Most selfish person I ever met. Hands down. This is NOT Cari or Frances. You two rock in the pregnant woman category.
My astronomy instructor deciding to stop following the syllabus. I'm OCD people. This is not good.
My skin flaring again.
My apparent inability to finish a pair of socks for myself
My apparent inability to finish anything knitted since the bootie to finish the pair for Frances' little munchkin to be.
Being allergic to EVERYTHING. Not as much of an exaggeration as you might think. And not being able to take much for it because of said allergies. Catch-22
Not living closer to some people I happen to like and miss very much, but neither am I inclined to leave the state with the best smoking regulations ever (See number 8).
People who sleep at the office
The CA State Foster System. It is amazing to me how any of the children that need help, get it.
Still not knowing if my parents are actually going to come for a visit this year.
My inability to have children

Year of the Dog

2010-03-18T10:57:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again. Our little Scrat Monster is having another birthday today.

As best we can tell, he is 4 years old today. Which means he was born in the Year of the Dog (how's THAT for appropriate?).

Let's see what that should tell us about him.

Those born in the Year of the Dog possess the best traits of nature. They have a deep sense of loyalty, are honest, and inspire other people's confidence because they know how to keep secrets. But Dog People are somewhat selfish, terribly stubborn, and eccentric. They can be cold emotionally and sometimes distant at parties. They can find fault with many things and are noted for their sharp tongues. Dog people make good leaders. They are compatible with those born in the Years of the Horse, Tiger, and Rabbit.

Loyalty:
Scrat is very much Slugbo's dog. He's his Little Dude, his Bundle of Energy, his Snuggle Buddy. Then 'Mom' gets done with whatever I'm doing and settles into the living room for the night and he's on my lap in a heartbeat. So much for Loyal to Dad. But I'm the one who snapped the leash on him the first day. I'm the one that wouldn't take him to the shelter after we couldn't find his owner and gave him the chance to show Slugbo just how great of a dog he could be for him. So maybe his loyalty is just fine. ;-)

Selfish, Stubborn, Eccentric:
Give the boy a tennis ball and good luck getting it away from him. He won't share them with the other dogs. If he's on a lap, he growls at any of the other fur babies that try to lay down close by (we curb that tendency as much as possible which is why I usually have three grumbling dogs in my lap at the same time). He knows how to get out of his crate, but doesn't do it when I am home, only when Slug is left to take care of the dogs in the morning.

Those are the primary ones that cover his personality.

We should include the following for him.

Adventurous:
He will follow you anywhere. On the "ruff", in the snow, onto an almost ice covered lake. Into the water. He rides on the Jet skis (yes he has doggles), and he will ride in my off road kart with me. He goes in the basket on the bike. He'll ride on the dashboard of the RV.

Sweet:
When he was so sick at the end of last year, early this year, he wanted nothing more than to just sleep curled up on someone.

It was all the sleeping that got us so worried. The deal with the thyroid has appeared to age him some. He's is going more white on his ears and he has white tufts coming in at weird places. But we will take it. The meds are helping. He has his energy back, but he is still the best snuggle bug we have.

We love you Scrat Monster. Here's to many more birthdays with us baby dog.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-03-17T13:06:00.001-07:00

Yes my day is sucking, but this was too cute. I want the pot of gold too.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-03-10T14:48:00.000-08:00

I might even tell y'all about most of them some day.

Missing Mecca

2010-02-26T13:44:00.000-08:00

Mecca for most of the West Coast knitters I know is Stitches West, which is happening this weekend, and most of my favorite people will be there, just a couple of hours south of me.

I, however, consciously chose to skip it this weekend. Trust me my bank account is thanking me. But I'm not skipping it for that reason.

You see, I have more than one hobby. Or rather I have friends that do stuff other than knit and try to get me involved in their hobbies. And I have more than one hobby. ;-)

My neighbor down the street, who is turning into a best friend, is a Creative Memories Consultant. She has tried repeatedly to get me to start scrap booking. I have actually made a small one for the doggies. But that's it. She has a crop night and I get invited even though we both know I won't show up with pictures. Instead I show up with yarn.

She's know if I ever decide to start scrap booking (I think kids will be needed for that happen, my life is too incredibly boring), she'll be my go to supply person. And I'm teaching her how to knit.

So back in September, her regulars started talking about setting up a scrap booking weekend out in Bodega. 8 women, one house, a ton of photos and paper and glue and pens. I got invited along and they understand I'll be knitting this weekend.

That means that I'm heading out there after work tonight. Which means I needed to get everything ready to go this morning and get to a PT appt by 7 am.

So I grab the suitcase this morning and roll it down the hall. That sets the dogs off. They KNOW that sound and they want to know where the hell Mom is going and NOW. Barking behind closed doors ensued. I'm grabbing clothes and yarn and swifts and winders and books and school work (I have homework due next week) and food.

When I was ready to start loading the car, I let the dogs out so they could do their business while I loaded the car. I put one load in and left the back of the car open and went back for the rest.

On the way back to the car I'm calling for the dogs. Oscar comes right away, but Cliff and Scrat are ignoring me. So I'm still calling them when I get to the car. Then I see this.

Cliff and Scrat apparently decided they were going anywhere that suitcase was going. It was fun getting them out of the car and getting them into the office with the hubster.

Let's just say I was late for my PT appointment. Unfortunately Mark is used to that and he was running behind today anyway.

Needless to say I'm looking forward to this weekend even if I'm leaving the hubby and all the furbabies at home.

I'm hoping to finish the baby sweater I'm making for a friend as part of Ravelympics. I need to medal in at least one thing. The shawl I entered too will be with me as well as a couple of wips and some of these for when I need a break.

That is a minor minion that I gave to a friend as a cat toy. I'm making more for friends. They are cute and I have to do something with all that fiber fill left over from my Stay-Puft Marshmallow man Halloween customer.

PS I found the CUTEST buttons for the sweater at lunch time.

PPS A shout out to my mom. Happy Birthday! When are you guys coming to stay for a while?

The End of an Era

2010-02-16T20:35:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was a day of goodbye at my house.

No, not to a pet, or a family member or a friend, but to an object I'd had for 10 and a half years.

My beloved Explorer, the one that almost got killed in the accident in October, found a new home.

See 'the Tank' was a him, because he was mine from day one. I picked him out, I bought him. I told hubby number one, he was coming home with us regardless of his opinion of him. He was for me and my dogs and the kids I'd hoped to have.

The Tank has protected me well over the years. There have been a few accidents. You drive the same car for 10 years and that is hard to avoid. But he always came through. Till the last one. It almost did him in. It didn't kill him, but it did enough damage that I had to salvage him.

We did an owner retain. Parked him and waited. You see The Tank was the one thing, besides my Cliffy Mutt, that I got out of my divorce. The one thing that was truly mine. I fought to keep him and I won. I wasn't ready to let him go. I guess I'm still not, not really.

But he was taking up space. And we weren't going to be able to pay the money to fix him and I couldn't bear to part him out. So we listed him and found someone that could fix him. Someone that could repair the damage that ding bat that thought waving at her friend was more important then watching the road did to him and me.

I'm still healing from the accident. PT, back is still jacked up, but I'm getting better.

And The Tank will too. More importantly when he's back to his old self, he'll have a family with a couple of kids to drive around and protect. I hope they take as good care of him as I tried to.

I know he's just a car, but he was mine and I adored him. He and I went on many an adventure over the years.

Albuquerque and back. We made the trip back in 21 hours straight through. Many times to Tucson. A round trip to Tucson and Albuquerque and home through a blizzard. The beach many times with the mutt crew.

He NEVER left me at the side of the road. The last accident doesn't count since it wasn't our fault it happened (yes that is no longer in doubt). He has many more years in him. I hope to see him on the road again some day.

The Sweetest Things

2010-02-12T12:57:00.000-08:00

Just look at that picture. Is that not one of the sweetest things you've ever seen.

That is, of course, our little monster, Scrat. Granted he doesn't look like much of a monster in that picture. But looks can be deceiving.

Scrat is

the Rock Eater
the Cat Chaser
the Ankle Biter
the Riot Barker
the Walkabout Hound
the Carpet Wrecker
the Aggressive 'this is mine' Snapper
the Crate Escapist

He gave us a huge scare before Christmas.

One thing that has always been constant with Scrat, is that he is a bundle of energy. He is always ready to do something fun, or just hang out with you. His speeds are 0 and 60.

But somewhere in early December he lost speed 60 and we had a really hard time getting him past speed 0. Lethargic, seemed like he had a cold, would eat and drink, but wasn't excited about it, or anything, like he used to be. Its like he was just aging in front of us. Please note that he's not even 4 years old.

We got through the holidays and on our camping trip, we saw little pieces of the old Scrat shining through, chasing snow balls and tennis balls in the snow, but it didn't last long and he was back to sleeping all the time and crying out in pain if you even looked like you were going to try to move him.

Enough was enough and we hit the vet for a full blood work up and a complete check up. He'd lost 1 pound 3 oz since last May. That almost gave me heart attack because I was sure he was gaining weight. The doc put him on an anti inflammatory to help with the pain and she took blood.

The next day we found out he has low thyroid at not quite 4. must be the dachsund we think is in him. I had a hard time reconciling with the weight loss with low thryoid, but I let it go while we got meds for him and got him started on them.

It is ABSOLUTELY amazing what one little pill, half twice a day, has done for the little guy.

He plays ball again, and he learned to give it back. He comes when called (by Slugbo). He has stopped chasing the cats (thank goodness all the way around). He's happy and excited and bouncy at dinner time. I tell him to find 'Dad' and he runs full bore across the yard to the office and bounces his front feet till I open the door for him so he can run to Slugbo.

He goes for a follow up in two weeks to find out if he will have to stay on the meds forever. We are reconciled to it and totally okay with it. I finally asked about the weight loss and our vet thinks the pain caused it. I feel so bad we waited to see if 'he would snap out of it' before we took him in.

So now we can also say that Scrat is:

a joy
a shining light
a snuggle bunny (that first pic was taken on my lap when I was home sick)

Scrat is everything

Most importantly, he is loved.

Slug and I are glad you're doing better Little Dude. Sorry we took so long to help you get fixed.

Wordless Wednesday

2010-01-20T12:00:00.000-08:00

It may be pouring rain and the wind may be playing air hockey with my car, but I have a warm home with snuggly animals and a snuggly hubby, so it's all good.

The Knit-Signal

2010-01-13T11:28:00.000-08:00

I borrowed this from the Yarn Harlot

Go check out her blog for today.

Donate what you can. Even a little bit adds up over time.

If your company matches donations, take advantage of it.

Yes I donated. Now you need to as well. Haiti needs help and we can help provide some of it.

Go my pleeps go!

Trying to Get it Under Control

2010-01-08T15:14:00.000-08:00

Since I'm OCD, this is not a surprising statement.

However since I'm talking about my knitting I expect loads of laughter to ensue.

I have a problem.

It's called Startitis. I LOVE to start new projects. I LOVE to pull patterns down that I KNOW I have the stuff to finish.

I need to knock it the f* off.

I have a ton of yarn.

I am in 3 sock KAL contests, whatever that start in the next two weeks.

I just committed myself to a wedding present for a friend's fiance. The wedding is in May. I chose Icarus. I want to add beads to it. I think perhaps I should shoot myself instead, but the yarn for it was only $12.

I need to finish the Husband's sweater (that might be a Ravelypmic WIP event project). I need to finish the second sock for the dad of the sprites down the street that now have mittens. Not to mention socks for two co-workers that are already on the needles.

There is also a BSJ due mid April for another friend's first child.

I need to go through my wips and figure out what I'm actually going to finish and what I'm not and recycle the yarn.

I need to stop starting projects bigger than socks till I get some of the old stuff out of the way. And I need to find the battery for my camera so I can start posting this stuff again.

Let 2010 be the year of the WIP Smackdown.

Merry Christmas to All...

2009-12-25T20:34:00.000-08:00

and to all a good night.

I hope all my friends out there had a great Christmas.

Slugbo and I kept it really low key this year. Thanks to a really sweet neighbor we actually had gifts under the ceramic tree. Thankfully I have a full queue of planned knit items for said neighbors ready to work on so I can reciprocate, albeit a little late.

Yup, that's right. Given that we are trying to get expenses down and get our debt down, the Slug and I opted not to exchange gifts this year. With everything else going on, it would have just been too much to try to figure out what to get each other.

Plus he had a gottne a game he wanted just over a month ago and I just bought myself a new watch, after talking to Slug about it, which I can hook to my iPhone via Bluetooth and it vibrates when a call comes in and tells me via caller id display who's calling.

It's cool, it's huge (same width as my wrist), but I love it already. I was playing with the band today (which needs to be replaced for one that FITS me) and the phone went off and I look at the number on it and went "Oh look Mom's calling. Where's my phone?"

Slugbo, our friend Shane and two of the mutt boys, Oscar and Cliff, headed up to the camp ground tonight to get the rig in place before the storm that is supposed to move in tomorrow. It's a four hour drive. I expect they'll get to bed around midnight and have tomorrow morning to figure out what I forgot to pack, so they can buzz me and tell me to pick it up on my way there. We have peeps in place to take care of the cats and watch the house.

Scrat the Brat - who is sick, poor pup has a cold - and I are about to head into the house for back meds for me, heating pad for me, blanket for the two of us and curl up in the living room recliner with some knitting, a peanut butter sandwich and a movie.

Since I probably won't blog again till we get home after the new year, I hope you all have a happy and safe New Years. I for one am looking forward to 2010. How about you?

The Christmas Spirit

2009-12-21T09:24:00.000-08:00

We aren't doing much at my house to get into the Christmas spirit this year.

This isn't necessarily good or bad. It's just the way things are.

Not having kids in the house makes it a bit harder for me to get into it.

We had so much hope coming into 2009. The IVF was going to work, we'd have a little munchkin in time for Christmas.

The IVF(s) didn't work. But things started moving with the foster program and we got a placement. Which we then lost.

We tried to get moving with the adoption folks but they don't play nice, so we started looking around for another group to get certified with.

We'd hoped to have another placement by Christmas, but the current wrench thrown in with our foster license means that we won't me getting another placement any time soon.

A dingbat 21 year old totaled my car because waving at her friend on the sidewalk was more important than paying attention to traffic. My back is still jacked up from that.

All that said, its been a roller coaster year and it's more or less ending on a level spot, which is okay after all the ups and downs.

Here's to hoping 2010 is a better year, because I really don't need another one like this one.

Still here

2009-12-11T16:59:00.000-08:00

It's been a really long week.

Heck it's been a really long year.

I am so ready for 2009 to be over. 20 more days.

Good news is my 'new' car is mine now. Paid in full. So happy about that.

Bad news is I had my hearing exam Wednesday. It was the first time my audiologist ever recommended that I start tracking cochlear implant candidacy requirements.

This is NOT good news. If I go that route, I will lose whatever natural hearing I still have left. Completely. I will only be able to hear with the device.

This is an extremely scary proposition. Not to mention the not too pleasant hairdo I'll be sporting for a while after the operation. ;-) Yeah there is vanity here, but I'm even less excited about letting somebody cut my head open.

Cool hearing news is that I'm getting second aid (gotta love insurance) for the right ear and this one will be fire engine red. :-) The left ear one is purple. This part of hearing loss rocks.

I started PT for my back yesterday. Needless to say it's still pretty 'jacked up' to quote Mark even almost 2 months post accident. All I can say is OW.

Another good thing is my neighbor let me know that one of her munchkins asked for mittens. I said I'd make him some. I wanted them to be a surprise so I pulled a generic pattern and started them based on his age. Last night they LOOKED HUGE! Thankfully they are up too when I leave in the morning so I stopped by this morning to get him to try them on. Looks like they'll fit perfectly and I know how much longer I have to knit on the hand. Score all the way around. And as a bonus the yarn I had in the stash was his favorite color. Even better, his mom can safely wash it. Hehe.

Busy weekend ahead with first aid/CPR cert renewal tomorrow in Oakland, followed by a Christmas party tomorrow night.

If Only

2009-12-04T11:35:00.000-08:00

Been sick, but not with the flu for the past week and a half or so.

So it looks like I've got the head cold that's been sticking to people for 2+ weeks this season.

But again, I don't have the flu so I'm okay with this.

Thankful Thursdays

2009-11-19T16:15:00.000-08:00

I know I missed last week. I was recovering from a horrid trip to Detroit.

So for today...

1. I am very thankful I'm no longer in Michigan even if it means I don't get to meet my beloved Cyli Lady

2. My furbabies. They love me unconditionally even if the canine monsters like to make me late for work. Smokey Cat for wanting so much to be an inside kitty. Rasta Pasta for talking to me during dinner. Nemo for reminding me in the morning that feeding the felines is the ONLY thing I better be worried about. Kaji for keeping the boy kitties in their place with a few well placed paw smacks. Scrat for the joy he is. Oscar for the satellite he is - I am his sun. Cliff for still being the best dog I've ever had, hands down.

3. My OB/Gyn. Weird I know, but she tells it like it is, whether I want to hear it or not. And thanks to her today, I have hope for one more shot at an IVF. We are still deciding whether or not we want to take it. The last one was devastating. But I have to say I tried everything. So the medical plan is being switched for the new year (I love open enrollment) so if we decide yes we are covered for one more shot. I turn 40 in 2010. If I'm not pregnant by then I'm done trying. We all have to move forward sometime. That will be my D day. 9/14/2010

Wish us luck.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-11-18T15:01:00.000-08:00

Things

2009-11-17T15:53:00.000-08:00

are not going well in Foster Parent land.

Still no new placement. Yes we know why. No I cannot elaborate. We are dealing with the circumstances as best we can.

Those of you in the know should know that we have our ducks in a row for whatever may come down the pipe, but in the end it could still mean no children at all. Ever.

It's a very hard prospect to face. But we will face it together.

Just let me point out that I am sick of whatever it is that has decided we don't deserve children. Don't tell me it will happen if it's meant to be. How the hell can someone justify guaranteeing two people that would make great parents not getting the opportunity. That kind of meant to be can just stuff it.

It's flat out not fair.

Veteran's Day

2009-11-11T05:10:00.000-08:00

Spare a thought for all our troops today whatever and wherever they may be.

Thankful Thursdays

2009-11-05T14:22:00.001-08:00

I'm joining a bandwagon for two reasons:

1. Cookie is doing it and I love her
2. There has been a lot of negativity in my blog for the past year and I need to start bringing the positive back.

Thankful Thursdays - a weekly post about being thankful

1. For my internet friends. My plurk, twitter, facebook and blog friends. Some I know in person, some I haven't formally met yet. But all of you have helped me get through the sadness of the last year and I'm still mostly sane because of you.

2. My husband. He made sure, in spite of everything that didn't work this year and everything that keeps coming up medically, that I know that no matter what he loves me and will always love me. I am basically stuck with him. ;-)

3. My Knotty Knitters. I don't go often, but they were there one and all rooting for us during the IVF, and comforting me during the failure. They've seen the ups and downs of the last two years and welcome me wholeheartedly every time I show up.

I am blessed, even if I don't always remind all of you that I know how blessed I am that you let me into your lives.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-11-04T14:49:00.000-08:00

Maybe they will, but they'll have to look mighty hard.

Target Practice

2009-10-22T08:31:00.000-07:00

I'm a little tired of the hands of Fate using me for target practice.

You all know the news from Tuesday.

Well yesterday was an equally sucky day for my car. My poor 10 year old, in fine condition, well loved Ford Explorer.

Woman making a left turn against my going straight through the intersection apparently didn't see me and turned in front of me. I hit brakes but couldn't stop in time. I'm pretty sure she didn't even hit the brakes, she just wanted to beat the light. I didn't swerve because I drive an Explorer and didn't really feel like rolling it.

Airbags deployed and everything. NOT something I ever want to experience again in my life since I first thought the car was on fire from all the smoke from the deploy. The deploy of the bags even burned the sweater I had on, not that I noticed right away.

Since the other driver failed to yield I probably won't be held at fault. Little compensation if I don't get my car back. And it's only worth $5000 and the insurance company totals a car if repairs come in at or above 75% of value. I don't think I'm getting my car back. It has the worst amount of damage of any accident I've ever been in.

I love my car. And there is no way hubby is letting me in anything smaller than it.

So I'd like to get through the rest of the week without anything else horrible happening.

That said they are installing Solar at my house today. The husband has been told to keep his happy, helpful, likes to be in the thick of things self off the roof. Period.

They say Hope Springs Eternal...

2009-10-20T13:39:00.000-07:00

... but I may have found the bottom of that well.

I had my annual exam on the 2nd. You ladies know what that means.

Well there was an issue (yeah don't push there if you don't want me to fly off the table in pain) and they sent me in for a full pelvic ultrasound (like I haven't had a bazillion of these over the past 3 years with all the fertility treatments).

The results came back today.

Adenomyosis

Go look it up. I'll wait.

Worst case, it comes out kit and kaboodle. It is the only cure. I'm too young to hope menopause is around the corner and hormone treatment is basically birth control pills which is not something I'm willing to start taking again at my age because of the risks involved there.

Plus there are two fibroids, which if I have them removed will probably make the adenomyosis worse. But if I don't, they could block a possible implantation. Getting a little sick of being stuck between a rock and a hard place.

I'm tired of the almost constant pain (which is why I went back in). I'm tired in general of things being wrong with that body part.

My husband and I need to come to terms with the fact that the best course of action might be removal even if means giving up having biological children together.

I think I'm there as much as it hurts. I'm pretty sure he's not. I will hopefully get to speak with the doctor tomorrow about it.

Just so you know, the bottom of the hope spring is a pretty unhappy place.

Go Vote

2009-10-09T15:03:00.000-07:00

For my friend PerpStu that is.

Good Mood Gig from SAM-e

Vacation - I had one

2009-10-03T23:24:00.001-07:00

This is basically what my attitude was each morning this past week:

Okay except for Tuesday and Wednesday in which I had to set the alarm to get to the day's events on time.

Last Saturday we had a fun dinner and gaming night with friends of ours.

Sunday I came down with the crud that's been going around.
Monday it wasn't any better.

So those two days were spent vegging and sleeping in the recliner in front of the TV with alternating doggies and kitties and knitting and the remote.

Tuesday was off to to Oroville to pick up some auction stuff hubby got.

Wednesday was foster parent training out at VOM.

Thursday was a do what I want day and ended up being a putter around the house some day. I finally got the lazy susan cabinet faces polyed after two + years. It took 25 minutes. Yeah I suck.

Friday was a doggie bath and errand running day. 3 dogs, one human, one detachable shower head and lost of fur and doggie shampoo.

Then we had dinner at a friend's house and took the dogs. We had a lovely time.

Today was more dog and cat care. All animals got frontlined and the dogs got their heartgard.

Then the fun part. I decided to trims the dogs nails. Yeah I know gluten for punishment. Cliff SEES the clippers and goes berserk. Oscar just hates being pinned down for it. Scrat actually did really well. We pulled the Dremel out for Oscar and he finally calmed down and was able to go short enough. Two weeks I'll do it again. All their claws are way too long and I don't want them to end up with foot trouble because of it.

Tomorrow Slugbo and I will work on getting the rest of the forts in place in the front yard so we can get the playground chips delivered and spread out and open the playground for business.

PS I need to get a 'Use at Your Own Risk' Sign for the front yard.

and is this Jennifer?

2009-09-25T08:35:00.000-07:00

Yes Sir.

Wednesday was an odd day. I was putzing around online and saw a news article that led me to go do a search for my biological son's adopted father for the first time in about a year.

I googled him and saw he has a LinkedIn account, so I pop over since I have an account there. Lo and behold, there was a link to his newish mini blog, so biting the bullet I clicked over out of curiosity.

OMGosh he has pics of his son on the site. I just about fell out of my chair.

As most of my regular readers know, I've been trying to figure out how to contact them since he turned 18 a year and a half ago. Just the parents, not him. I will not bypass them to contact him first. I am not his parent. So I mulled it over and showed most of my co-workers and my husband the pics of him. He's so tall!

I'm a smart person. I know where he works. There has to be some way to figure out his email address based on the information I had. I'd tried that once last summer to no avail (I was apparently having an off day brain wise), but yesterday I succeeded.

So how do you politely state that you are looking for a particular person without stating why in case the email address you just cooked up does not actually go to him? As vaguely as possible without getting caught by a spam filter.

I basically asked if this was such and such, husband to *** and father to *** and that it was not business related and could you please let me know if this was the right person.

I signed it Jenn Rinella.

And he responded:

"Yes, and is this Jennifer?"

Five magic little words. He knew who I was. Even though they 'know' me as Jennifer Maples.

So I had a mini freak out. I'm a bit dramatic, what can I say? It is how I am sometimes. And I had caffeine yesterday (really BAD idea).

I responded more or less that I go by Jenn now. That I wanted to let them know how to contact me. Gave them contact information, phone, email, blog, facebook, twitter, told him how I found him and I think their dogs are adorable (two Scotties - too cute). I gave a quick background regarding finishing school and where I am and what I'm doing now. I promised not to ever contact Alex first.

I stated that I was probably the last person they wanted to hear from and that I understood if that was the case. And I hit send.

He was kind enough to reply that they were delighted to hear from me. He thought it was neat that I found his mini blog. He let me know that Alex is a sophomore in college in Communication and Theater, but that he's also good at math. :-) They are very proud of him and love him dearly. He gave me his home number and home email.

At this point I was home and completely freaking out in front of Slug. Who just laughed, told me to calm down and ask the two questions I really wanted to know:

1. Does he know he's adopted?
2. Does he want to know anything about me?

So one more response.

1. Yes he knows
2. He's asked about me and knows my name and where he was born, but he's not ready to make contact yet.

They asked that I keep in touch for when he is ready.

I waited till this morning to respond. I thanked him and stated that I understand since I didn't start looking for my biological mother till I was in my 20s.

So I did it. I contacted them. I have a source of some information and possibly pictures.

They say do one thing every day that scares you. I think I filled my quota for the year yesterday.

But now I know. And there is hope. So I will wait.

Propylene Glycol and Bronopol

2009-09-18T16:23:00.000-07:00

Are the bane of my existance along with a couple of other things today.

I have to keep my back dry through Monday when I go back for another reading.

79 - the PG is off the chart. Fills the whole area plus branching out to the surrounding areas.

Well this does mean I get to purge more than half of my medicine cabinet and its a good thing I stopped wearing my contacts since it's in my Saline Solution.

Oh and now I get to figure out what foods they are in.

Sigh.

When the Internet is not your Friend

2009-09-17T13:04:00.000-07:00

There is such a thing as too much information. And heavens knows if it can be found on the internet I can find it.

Well Monday was my birthday. Unfortunately it was a rather sucky Monday since I spent my lunch hour getting a 80 panel patch test applied to my back.

Tape everything up. Mark everything up. Tell me I cannot get my back wet for the next 4 days. W00T! NOT. Happy freaking birthday.

Though thanks to all my FB and 'flurk' pleeps that wished me a good one. It's appreciated. I'm kind of a kid at heart regarding birthdays and I'm a little bummed that I only got one actual card in the mail (thanks mom). I need to grow up. lol And Slugbo gave me an iPhone as a wedding anniversary (the 13th) slash birthday present. Thank you baby! I LOVE IT.

So the patches came off yesterday and they said there wasn't anything to see and to come back on Friday. WHAT? Are you frakking kidding me? My back has been on FIRE since these darn things got applied on Monday. NOTHING TO SEE?!?!?!?!

Well I don't believe that's the case today.

Number 8, Number 15 and possibly number 45 are flaring. These were the three that showed up on the 29 panel test I had done in June. Turns out number 8 and number 15 are both related since they are BOTH IN RUBBER. Hugh freaking sigh.

New ones flaring are:

Number 4: 4-Phenylenediamine base (reagent in hair dyes, lithography, photocopying, oils, greases, gasoline, rubbers and plastics)
Number 65: Disperse Blue 106/124 mix (dye used in textiles. It is also sometimes used in other products such as diapers and seat belts) please please please don't tell me yarn is a textile
Number 70: Benzoylperoxide (I've used that many moons ago)
Number 79: Propylene Glycol (this is the worst flare of all and go look it up I dare you) - it's variant - polypropylene glycol - is only what helps give spandex, Lycra and elastic it's elasticity

Anyone else see the pattern above? More than half are found in rubber, spandex, lycra (which was SUPPOSED TO BE SAFE) and elastic.

I hope I'm wrong.

I hope I'm seeing things.

I will know tomorrow after lunch.

How Wednesday Ended...

2009-09-04T10:55:00.000-07:00

Be kind. It's my first upload to YouTube. And believe it or not that was taken with an HD cam, so no idea on why the quality sucks.

And the munchkin is a neighbor's son. We don't have a current foster placement.

And we had a blast.

Some days being strong is just too much

2009-09-02T12:13:00.001-07:00

For the 'Love' of Yoga

2009-08-31T16:09:00.000-07:00

and the hate of all things rubber.

I'm taking a Yoga class at the local Junior College.

It's supposed to be stress relief.

All the yoga mats I can find locally, including two I already own, are made out of rubber or some variation thereof. FYI TPE is plastic and rubber and Nike uses it in their super cute hot pink mat that I cannot use. WAH!

I don't give a flying flip if it's Natural Rubber from a tapped tree. It still has to be processed to be stabilized and it's the chemicals used in that processing that I'm allergic to.

So I'm mostly liking yoga. I'm totally hating that the only cotton yoga mats I can find online at all at least $80 and there is NO way in snow's chance at my house this past Saturday am I spending that much on a freaking mat.

This of course means I'm having a huge skin flare again. To the drawing blood point, AGAIN. Don't tell me not to scratch. If your skin felt like mine does right now, you'd be clawing it too.

So I'm probably making my own mat tonight out of flannel and a ton of cotton batting and I see a new dermatologist on Wednesday.

And yeah, I'm cutting the nails off again. The kitty cats will be most disappointed.

Identity Crisis

2009-08-24T14:31:00.000-07:00

The blog is going through a transition.

I have stuff I want to write about but don't know if I should.

I run the risk of hurting some people close to me if I write about everything I want.

I'm trying to decide if I care about that anymore since this is my blog and I'm done trying to please everyone all the time.

Slugbo and I are in therapy to try to get State Adoptions to change their mind about passing us off to another agency. I am in individual therapy to deal with the fact that I cannot have kids of my own, so if I seem a little grumpy, deal with it because I hate therapy.

I've started a Yoga class at the local junior college. Tried to talk Slug into a ballroom dance class to no avail. Sigh.

My skin still hates me but not as much as before. I get to see a new dermatologist next month.

We do not have a new placement yet, but we did get our capacity increased to two, so we might get a sibling set.

I'm still knitting and make it out to knit group on Saturday about once a month right now.

We are turning the front yard into a giant kiddy habittrail. I really should post pictures of that. It looks like a play structure factory exploded on my property. And tell my dad to get his butt out here to visit and help Slugbo put all this stuff together. Come on Dad, you cannot b* about gas prices this year.

Belated Birthdays

2009-08-14T14:56:00.000-07:00

Yeah I still suck.

I spend so much of Cliff the Mutt's own birthday telling him how amazing it is that I've had him since he was 4 months old that I forget to tell of you about it.

Cliff the Mutt's birthday was this past Monday. He's 11. I was home sick so I got to spend the day with my boy.

He's a therapy dog.

He's about to become a reading program dog.

He's the best four legged thing that ever came into my life and I love him dearly.

I passed another birthday this week.

Little N turned 4 Wednesday.

We haven't heard anything from her new home. I sent a card. We got her a present, but we are trying to find out how to get it to her without annoying anybody.

We still miss her.

Life goes on.

Been Travelling

2009-08-06T07:17:00.000-07:00

Granted my ride has been better than this.

I'll be home late tomorrow.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-07-22T13:55:00.000-07:00

Let the record show I'm in a good mood as long as I ignore the people logging cases with my employer.

Need New Socks

2009-07-17T15:04:00.000-07:00

and I don't knit nearly fast enough.

Imagine this.

1. Go in and get the T.R.U.E. Test Allergan patch test done.

2. Get results.

3. Realize you need to replace most of your wardrobe.

4. Have an absolute hissy fit because you HATE shopping for jeans and socks and pretty much everything!

That's right I got the results back. Biggest one is Carba Mix. That's rubber people. That's stuff in ten gazillion things you use every day from your shoes, to the handles on your workout equipment, to the spandex in your favorite stretch jeans. Generic Spandex that is.

So first I have to throw out all my socks. I don't knit fast enough for this.

I need new jeans - so far online I've only been able to find one brand that has either the registered Lycra spandex content, or polyester elastane. And of course they are not cheap.

Most of my t-shirts are toast.

I should probably just switch to linen or 100% cotton for pants but I'm not having a lot of luck there and gosh knows I'm not buying anything that hs to be dry cleaned if I don't have to.

Second worst reaction was to a formaldehyde complex used in insulation, fiberglass and the glues used to make plywood. This one wasn't too much of a shocker. We knot fiberglass and insulation hate me.

Last one is to Budesonide - this is a corticosteroid used commonly to treat skin disease. It's in a ton of OTC anti itch creams as well as prescription creams (including the one I've been using for the past two months) and many nasal sprays. Ask me what I've been using on my skin to make the itchies go away.

And the one they prescribed to me today after checking the list of ones to avoid.... made my hand burn mildly after I applied it to my legs. Same EXACT CHEMICAL COMPOSITION of one of the things on the list that it states I will probably react to as well!!!!

I am sick of being a freak of nature.

PS if you care to take pity on me and/or want to knit me socks. I wear a 7.5. I like shorties. I'll take any color except solid black, grey or brown. The brighter the better. Now I have to go finish my neon orange Fawkes sock of which I made the first one last summer.

Knitters Do

2009-07-13T14:15:00.000-07:00

We were watching 'De-Lovely' last night and there is a scene where Cole and Mr Murphy are on horseback and talking about Murphy's son's TB prognosis and how their wives are there to help them through the tough times.

Mr Murphy said at the end of it, "who catches them when they fall? " meaning the wives.

My answer for me is that Knitters Do.

I went to my Saturday knit group for the first time in about 6 weeks this past weekend. They've been following on my blog and my FB account everything Slugbo and I have been going through with the adoption stuff and Little N. They've seen the mood swings caused by the IVF drugs and the heartbreak when neither of them worked.

They know how hard it is for us to be going through this.

So I got to knit group Saturday and when I walked in some of the ladies were off to the side working on the crocheted border of a blanket. I said it looked nice without really looking at it (though I did wonder but not out loud if they needed help with the crochet) and started talking to Ba, thinking the blanket was for Angelita's new grandson, since her daughter is also part of our knit group.

A little while later I'm fighting with my lace and Carol has to leave and is saying goodbye to everyone and the next thing I know the blanket gets plopped down in my lap with them saying it's for me. Of course I promptly burst into tears.

Lynne, Anne, Sheri, Carol, Jan, Lois, Mary Sue, Liz, Angelita, Rosemary, Bridget, Kristen, Ba, June, and Taunya all contributed a square or two.

Ba, Carol, Jan, Angelita, Anne, Laura, Lynne, Sheri and Rachel all contributed to the putting together and the border.

Now most of these ladies I know. A couple I might be able to pick out in the group by process of elimination and there are at least 2 I haven't officially met. Quite a few of these ladies are super busy in their home and professional life. The fact that any of them took time out of their regularly scheduled knitting to make something like this for me, let's me know that even if I'm not a regular at the group, they have my back. They are my support group no matter how long it's been since the last visit.

Thanks so much my Knotty Knitters.

It's beautiful and I'll treasure it always.

The Roadblocks Keep Coming

2009-07-09T15:39:00.000-07:00

Come back later for an update. Right now the mood is not conducive to coherent communication.

PS - On a good note, the family that Little N is going to is very nice and we believe they will do a fine job with her and her sister, Little T, and we will probably still get to see her from time to time.

PPS - Happy 23rd Birthday to my nephew Michael. Get your head out of your b* and you might actually make it to your 24th. :-)

Camping and Jet Skiing

2009-07-02T13:02:00.001-07:00

are the plan for the next three days.

Y'all have a great 4th of July weekend.

Not Sure How Much More

2009-07-01T15:10:00.000-07:00

I can be expected to take.

1. They are putting little N's sister into a concurrent planning home this weekend.

2. They scheduled the transition meeting to map out how to move Little N into the same home for Monday, even though Slugbo clearly told the woman handling the scheduling that he cannot make it and I cannot make it.

3. So they are making decisions for Little N without any input from us. They are putting her little sister into a home where the mom speaks next to no English. This is great for the little sister, but little N doesn't know Spanish. Her sister is only two and will be easier to get her to switch to English, rather than force N to switch to Spanish.

4. They are going to trigger more nightmares about Mexico for little N by placing her in this home. I have nothing against the couple they are placing her with, I just believe they chose very poorly. They are looking at her last name rather then at HER.

5. State Adoptions shut us down completely today. They have told us to use the private agency we were referred to. They are citing budget constraints (stupid effing state government that doesn't know how to save money without screwing over programs that are needed). They are not moving forward with any couples that are not already in the home study process. They will be calling the private agency directly to let them know it is okay to work with us in this aspect (the supervisor at State Adoptions is married to the Foster Coordinator at the private agency - sigh). We start from square one.

We just want to help give a child(ren) a safe loving home.

This day needs to end.

The Mother of All...

2009-06-29T15:30:00.000-07:00

monkey wrenches.

It was set. The transition plan was formed up last Friday. Little N was supposed to spend most of this week with her new concurrent planning family, with the final drop off happening on Thursday, July 2nd at 2 pm.

I put in to have the day off.

We planned some fun things for the weekend and intended to include the new family.

Slugbo called the family first thing Saturday and found out that everything was placed on hold.

Excuse me? Hunh? And we had to find out from them because.... Whatever. Sigh.

It appears that Mom wasn't very smart to bring little N's little sister, T, back into the country with her after her visit to Mexico.

Social Services intended to pull T over the weekend. The new family wasn't sure they wanted two more kids, rather than one. So we were waiting.

We took N to the fair on Saturday (after most of the heat of the day passed). Spent part of Sunday melting at the Pacific Coast Air Museum (she likes planes the little tomboy).

This morning we waited for the phone calls. Little T did get pulled over the weekend and placed in an EFH in Petaluma. The new family decided they don't want two siblings. Everything is on hold.

So we get little N for who knows how long. We aren't approved for 2 yet, but we are trying in the hope that little T can come to us since we think it will be better for both girls.

Yes we know that can come back to bite us and they might pull N and T both and put them in a separate EFH that can take both of them.

I met little T today at lunch time and Slugbo brought N down for a play date with her sister.

This is so hard for N. I watched her go into shut down mode. She wasn't happy when Slug put T on his lap to show her the pictures their mom gave N (she is his shadow). So N climbed in mine (a poor second mind you). Though she said she was glad to see her sister, all the emotion was on T's side and she was VERY happy to see her big sister.

The next few days should be very interesting. I expect a few meltdowns.

Now to learn some Spanish since that is all that Little T speaks.

BTW We get to take Little N camping at the Delta for July 4 weekend. If the original plan had happened, she would have missed it in spite of us pretty much begging that she get to go just for the weekend.

We Willingly Signed Up for This...

2009-06-25T12:28:00.000-07:00

but it still sucks.

Why couldn't we end up with one of the 'temporary' placements that lasts for months and months (or at least long enough to get certified by the state)?

Little N met her concurrent planning placement family today.

They have a 7 year old son (which totally makes me want to scream "THEY ALREADY HAVE ONE! LET US KEEP HER! IT'S NOT FAIR!). Good thing I'm at work.

She was, of course, an absolute angel. Granted she doesn't know yet that she will be moving in with them.

The transition meeting is tomorrow at CPS while she's visiting with her mom.

We probably have less than a week left of having her in our home.

I took her to the fair yesterday.

It was her first time.

She kept coming back to the bubbles. Isn't she just adorable?

She had ice cream and got to listen to Josh Gracin's band practice for that night's concert (I missed it for a very good reason - tune in tomorrow).

She won a couple of toys, which Scrat promptly tried to confiscate after we got home.

Then we went home.

Knowing she's leaving hurts a lot.

But we signed up for it. And we have to deal with it as best we can, because we don't want to stop fostering.

We are strong enough for this. But it's yet another of those situations where you wish being strong wasn't necessary.

To Explain a Few Things

2009-06-19T12:52:00.000-07:00

I realize that some of the people that pop in here have no idea how the Foster System in California works. I'm part of it and I don't fully understand it.

It used to be that you could just shuffle kids around the system for years while the parental units tried to get their act together before some judge or other would finally have had enough of the crap on the parents part and let the kid be adopted. Yes I mean years.

This was overhauled a few years ago. The parents get 12 to 18 months to get their act together and the steps are laid out for them at the beginning. During that time the child will be placed into a concurrent planning home, where the child will most likely be adopted by their concurrent planning placement family if the parents don't meet the courts requirement to get the child back. This is basically a fost/adopt home.

Little N came to us in a different situation. She came straight into Emergency Care. We got her because we are an EFH (Emergency Foster Home) . Children that come into the system under extreme circumstances get placed into EFH. These are considered temporary placements until the court decides what the parents are going to have to do to get her back.

They are at the stage with Little N's mom that she is not getting her back right away and therefore they need to start the concurrent planning process for her. She has a Concurrent Planning Social Worker assigned to her who's job it is to find her a possible forever home in the Foster System. We want to be her concurrent planning home.

However, we are only licensed for fostering, so we cannot be a concurrent planning home for any child. We are not certified for adoption because we are not getting anywhere with State Adoptions, more specifically our Adoption Specialist. We haven't even been able to really start the process.

They want me to get grief and loss counseling because I need to come to terms with the fact that I cannot have kids of my own. While I want to tell them exactly what they can do with that particular bit of advice, I am looking up grief and loss counselors right now, so I can say 'See I did it. I wasted a ton of money on therapy and I will probably still cry about the fact that I cannot have more kids.'

I'm a crier. I didn't used to be, but I was lucky enough to finally marry someone that wants me to show emotion. I don't have to lock it all up inside. So SA needs to get over it. I still cry about my brother and that was over 20 years ago. I still cry when I talk about giving my son up for adoption and that was 19 years ago. Give me a stinking break people. But I digressed into a rant and this is not a situation I'm allowed to lose my temper over (though trust me, I want to so very badly because it might be the only way to get through to these people).

So our options are this.

1. Our Adoption Specialist's last day was yesterday. I cannot even begin to tell you how happy I am about this. So we will be getting a new AS. But, if the ex-AS was simply following the company line, I'm still screwed. But we could get lucky and the new persn could actually be willing to see that we will make great parents.

2. We go with an outside agency. Uur EFH coordinator has recommended this and little N's concurrent planning SW has recommended this. If we do this, we would probably still lose out on getting to keep little N, but we'd be in shape for the next child that crosses our path. But I have a packet coming in the mail and hubby and I will probably be setting up a meeting with them soon.

Now this needs to be said. I am not vilifying State Adoptions as a whole. I have no intention of doing that. It serves no purpose and they are doing the best that they can. However I do believe that our Adoption Specialist was fairly new to the system and she was given an instruction on how to deal with people that jump straight in after having their own kids has failed and I think she took it farther than necessary.

She's refusing to see that we don't fit the mold that directive was issued for. We contacted them BEFORE we started IVF. We've explained that we still wanted to be fost/adopt even if we managed to have our own children. The foster people had no problem with this and still don't. SA made us wait till we were finished trying the medical route to conception. We waited. That route dead ended and now still, 3 MONTHS later, it's still too soon for them to be willing to start the process with us because they don't think I've come to terms with it because I still cry.

I believe this is wrong.

So I've posted the information for that friend because she and her husband want to write a letter on our behalf. I'm not asking anyone else to do this. But those of you that know me in person maybe if you think you could help, it would be appreciated.

Here is their address:

California State Adoptions
101 Golf Course Drive
Suite 250
MS 28-09
Rohnert Park, CA 94928
C/o Amy VanLeeuwen (this is NOT our AS, this is her supervisor)

As always I will keep ya'll posted. And if we lose little N, we will still try to make sure she's in a home that will care for her the same way we have.

(and yeah I'm crying right now - I know life is unfair but you figure at some point something has to happen to make it all break even)

Wordless Wednesday

2009-06-17T16:19:00.000-07:00

If I blink, we will lose little N. They want to place her in a concurrent planning home and we don't qualify because State Adoptions will still not work with us.

We are doing everything we can to try to get around this.

Cross your fingers.

From Wordless to Words

2009-06-10T00:00:00.000-07:00

I cannot tell you how excited I was when Claudia was asking for peeps to host her on her blog tour. I’d seen links to her books on the sites of friends. A local friend tried to send them to me so I could read them but the post man ate them.

I told her I hadn’t read it, but I wanted to host it anyway. I certainly am NOT a writer by any stretch of the imagination. But I’ve been reading since I was 2 and it’s the only thing that kept me going after I started to lose my hearing. Books are my escape. They are what keeps me sane.

That said I am a proud host of Claudia for her blog tour for her book 'The Fey’.

This is my kind of book. I cannot wait for the next one. And I have a really great signed copy all my own.

Here goes nothing. My own mix of why, what, and a little science to boot questions.

******************************************************

1. I read A LOT of Iris Johansen and Kay Hooper. They both have strong female leads and do some stuff that seems paranormal. Who are the influences you look to for inspiration in your writing?

Wow, I think the question is ‘Who wasn’t an influence in my writing?’ I learned to read when I was about three years old. I spent most of my childhood buried in one book or another. I don’t know that I could delineate who or what influenced me specifically in the Fey. This is one of the reasons I chose to publish under the Creative Commons license. I stand on the shoulders of masters. I can only hope that my work inspires someone else to do the same.

2. Jesse features a lot in the novel. What made you decide to keep him around in the manner you chose?

Jesse Abreu is Alexandra Hargreaves best-friend. They lived so much life, and death together, that their bond goes way beyond the inconvenience of his murder. When he showed up on the page, I wondered why I hadn’t seen him before – not whether to keep him. He is an integral part of the Alex the Fey thriller series.

3. For being such a strong female character, it struck me as a little odd that one of Alex's colleagues would worry about her being alone for a night or so towards the end. I mean she's been trained to 'deal' with that. What gives?

Most Special Forces officers are trained to work independently. They are sent out alone and return alone. Intelligence officers are not trained that way. Intelligence officers work for the Intelligence Center as well as act as integral parts of individual teams. Many work on large teams in specific intelligence units such as the one Alex is assigned to after she’s wounded.

As for Alex, she is an identical twin. She shared a room with her twin brother most of her life. When forced out of the house in some cockeyed individuation effort, she entered the US Army. She wasn’t alone during her basic training or her tour in Bosnia. During Special Forces training, she was almost never alone, especially at night. She got married right after completing training and moved in with her identical twin brother. Her leave time was spent with her husband and brother. Her work time was spent with her team.

She was alone for the first time in The Fey. She certainly survives, if not thrives, during that experience based on her lifelong training. It’s simply the first time she’d ever been alone.

4. I think I need more back story since I didn't see a compelling reason for Raz to not be called by his given name. Can you give us a little insight?

Elite intelligence operative change their names and have their histories wiped. In fact, it’s not uncommon for undercover police officers to change their names and have their histories wiped.

Raz works for Ben, who is considered to be one of the world’s best intelligence agents. He is an elite intelligence operative.

5. How exactly is it that Alex and Max are identical twins?

Alex and Max Hargreaves are monozygotic twins. The science is that an egg carries an “X” chromosome. Sperm can be an “X” or a “Y”. In their case, the egg was carried duplicate “X” chromosome. Thus when fertilized by a “Y” sperm, the egg became an “XXY”. This type of being is viable, however has vast disabilities. If the egg splits early enough, either X chromosome can replicate. In Alex and Max’s case, they became “XX” and “XY”.

Depending on the geneticist, these types are twins are not considered to be identical because one is XX and the other is XY. They remain monozygotic. Outside of their gender chromosomes, their genetics are identical.

6. Why do so many people share a home with John and Alex? I mean she's a twin, which means there is a need for some individuality there. She came from a big family. All the normal reasons for NOT having that many people actually living in your house, sharing personal space are part of her upbringing.

You’d be surprised how many identical twins live together. I know of three pairs here in Denver. While we see might see a need for individuality, many identical twins don’t necessarily feel that need. Their normal is being together.

Further, Max and Alex grew up in a military family. Siblings in military families tend to be a lot closer because they move so much. Their father was the General who ran the base they lived on. These General’s children don’t tend to socialize with a lot of other kids.

Given the circumstances, these type of living situations are not uncommon.

7. Why a female lead, and particularly a female lead with an extensive military background?

Why not?

I never sat down and decided to write about this person or that person. These characters came to me from the ether. In my mind, they exist as separate beings. The only connection they have to me is that I am their scribe. If they bear any similarities to me, it’s only because I am their scribe.

I didn’t choose to have a female lead. This is simply her story.

I didn’t choose for her to be in the military. That is just where she is and has always been.

I’m working to be a clear reporter for these characters lives and issues.

******************************************************

Claudia, thank you SO much for letting me take part in this.

The Fey is serialized at AlextheFey.com. The novel will run through the end of the year, then will be removed. Learning to Stand will take it’s place in February, 2010. The Fey is also available at Amazon. If you use our store, feel free to use this code: WLKP3C74 for a special Tiny Tyrant ten percent discount.

I chose not to have a give away of the book on my blog so she could donate a copy to Operation Shoebox.

Show your support to this wonderful author and friend and go buy a copy today. You won't regret it.

I'd Much Rather be in This with Bubbles

2009-06-03T16:18:00.000-07:00

In the Blink of an Eye

2009-05-29T09:55:00.000-07:00

You can go from a very angry three year old that just came out of anesthesia to this:

Yesterday was her dental surgery to take care of the bottle rot we found when she was placed with us.

Slugbo and the County Foster Nurse pulled every string imaginable to get a court order in record time and all the medical clearances, since we had to put her under for this.

We got up at 5:45a. Pulled her straight out of bed at 6:20a and off to the clinic. We were the first ones there so we went right in. The more pre op stuff we talked about the more upset you could see her getting. They decided to give her something to calm her down and we ended up having to force her to take it. :-(

2.5 hours later (about 9:30) we were called back in and she was waking up. That little girl has a set of lungs on her. The dentist might now be considering soundproofing the recovery room in the near future. She fought us every step of the way in getting the IV out (she almost ripped it out in spite of Slug holding her down). When we thought (ha!) she's calmed down enough, Slugbo picked her up to take her to the car while I finished gathering paperwork.

I got out to the parking lot and she was screaming full force again and trying to launch herself out of his arms. The ride home was difficult since she didn't want to be restrained. Hello seat belt.

The minute we got home, all the fighting stopped.

She slept on that off for part of the day. We broke the no full day of TV rule considering what she'd been through that morning. They were able to save the molars. So she's missing all her front teeth on the top.

She was her normal happy playing smiling self by end of day.

The pic above is even more special for one main reason. She's curled up with one of the cats. This is the little darling that won't touch any of the animals (though she actually pet Nemo for the first time Wednesday and called him by name) if it can at all be avoided. But she let Nemo stay by her for the better part of the day.

Today is her first mom visit since we got her. Cross your fingers. Slugbo is handling it alone.

*disclaimer* I took a small chance posting this pic, but know that with this post and all future involving our placements I will:
1. NEVER post if I think their family might see it (odds are minimal here)
2. NEVER post if the child was removed from the home because they were in danger from the parents.
3. I will never put their complete name here or any part of it really except maybe the first initial

He's not Gone...

2009-05-26T15:27:00.001-07:00

but neither is he mine.

Today is my son's 19th birthday.

Last year I asked y'all what route I should take regarding getting in touch with him.

(For those of you just now joining the show, he was put up for adoption)

I haven't contacted his family directly yet. But I did register with the International Reunion Registry. Nothing else to date.

Maybe I'll be more brave (braver? CV help me out here) this year.

And speaking of kids. The little plague carrier that we brought home last Monday is still with us. Slugbo and I spent the weekend sick. I officially have bronchitis.

That's right folks. Head cold to bronchitis in 3 days flat. That has to be a record somewhere. But thankfully I got in to the see the doc today so we can get rid of it now rather than 3 weeks from now like I tried last year at this VERY SAME TIME.

Apparently spring equals bronchitis in my land now.

And the little plague carrier...

She's an absolute doll. And there WAY too much pink and Disney Princess stuff in my house. But you know what...

I wouldn't have it any other way.

Things are Very Different...

2009-05-22T14:37:00.000-07:00

... through the eyes of a three year old.

You see...

- the Spaghettio's instead of the Classico Sauce

- Da-ni-mo yogurts instead of Dannon Immunity drinks

- the Froot Loops instead of the Honey Nut Cheerios

- the Dinosaur Nuggets instead of the Chicken Breast Tender Strips

- Backyardigans and Dora the Explorer out rank Law and Order and CSI

When you are three it is okay to...

- put new nail polish over old

- put different colors of nail polish on different hands (I'm sporting hot pink and navy blue if you must know :-) )

- try to have yogurt for dinner

- wash your hands by rinsing the soap off first

This particular three year old is being particularly patient with Slugbo and I during this adjustment. Only one major meltdown so far. We consider this an aberration rather than the norm. Nonetheless we are grateful.

Friends have rallied and we have clothes and toys and a cool mega stroller.

She is safe, fed, clothed and cared for right now and that is all that matters.

It's Official

2009-05-20T10:09:00.000-07:00

We got our first Foster Placement Monday afternoon.

A little three year girl, who is adjusting as best as can be expected give her situation and the fact that we are total strangers to her right now.

She's scared of dogs (sigh) and isn't too thrilled with the cats but she's taking it in stride.

Love NickJr and coloring. Disney movies! Ha I knew I'd finally be justified in buying all of them. lol

Slugbo's dentist is seeing her this afternoon as a favor.

And we are teaching her how to use a computer. Yes, seriously.

She's probably a short term placement based on her situation, but it gives us a chance to see how well we can adjust to this.

So here we go. Wish us luck.

Before and After (Pic Heavy)

2009-05-16T17:52:00.000-07:00

As any of you that have been reading this here swill that I call a blog know, I have a lot of animals.

3 dogs and 4 cats to be exact.

None over 25 pounds, none under 8 pounds. That still adds up to a lot of fur.

Cliff the Mutt and Oscar the Dog have interesting fur 'situations' given they are both terrier mixes.

Cliff's fur is so surprisingly soft that once you start petting him you never want to stop until you see how much of it is clinging to you. Oscar's fur is terrier wire through and through.

They both got to visit the groomer today for their summer cut. Also known as the 'keep Mom's vacuum cleaner working a little longer' cut.

Get ready for pics:

Cliff with Scrat and Smokey Cat horning in on the camera action.

Oscar looking way wider than he should.

Then they go to the groomer. I go home. They get tortured by someone that gets paid to wrestle them to the ground to cut off their fur. I go back and pay them the normal fee, plus the special handling fee (they are SNOTS at the groomer, but better them than me). I get two good looking boys out of the deal. I'll take it.

My bestest baby dog of all time Cliff. Who is obviously LOVING the picture taking let me tell you.

Cliff again. He looks more interested here because his dinner is sitting on the shelf next to my head.

Oscar looking slim and trim considering he will be 11 in 3 days.

Just look at those spots! Then go look at the Before pic and come back and exclaim again over all the spots. Doesn't he clean up well?

And because Barb cannot hold the monopoly on goggie cuteness this week...

Scrat the Brat wanting to know what Mom has stuck to her face.

It Still Seems So Wrong

2009-05-14T10:23:00.000-07:00

22 years ago today my brother decided that death was easier than life.

That sounds harsh, but it is not really something you can sugar coat.

I know he's never coming back.

I know we will never know why he did it.

I still cry when I think about what a waste it was.

It will never hurt any less. You just learn to handle the pain.

He hated school, but wasn't stupid.

He loved cars, but never got his driver's license.

He adored our nephew, but chose not to see how his life would play out.

He loved our sister, but chose to not stick around to see her married and happy.

He was loved, but never understood how much.

Wherever you are Robbie, I hope it is everything that we couldn't give you here.

I'll Take It

2009-05-06T15:40:00.000-07:00

I need it.

Meh.

Two Years

2009-05-04T10:18:00.000-07:00

Who'd a thunk it?

I started this blog two years ago.

I don't have any contest for you, maybe next year. I don't think I'm dropping this 'hobby' any time soon.

Thanks to those of you that drop by every now and then and deal with this tripe.

On the skin front.

Caved and made an appointment last week since the biopsy site was infected. Lucky me. The doc had the biopsy and bloodwork results back.

Even if I were COVERED in poison oak or poison ivy, my blood levels for something wouldn't be as high as they are. That means the angry skin is caused by something I'm ingesting. Guess what? We have NO FREAKING IDEA WHAT! Granted neither is it lupus or something like that. (Yes Alison I am grateful for that).

Sigh.

So I'm thinking about not eating at all. Ha. I'll let you know how that works out. Who knew you could grow into food allergies? Not this chick, let me tell you.

Common culprits could be nuts (thanks that narrows it down), strawberries and red dye. Well I haven't been eating strawberries like a fiend since October when this started. I'm going to be absolutely livid if I find out it's peanut butter because it's only my FAVORITE FOOD of all time. Maybe it's pomegranates and I have to give up my chap stick (Burt's Bees with Pomegranate Oil), I won't be happy about that either. Maybe its a honey allergy triggered by the bee sting I got October 9th.

See it's a total crap shoot and not eating sure would be easier then trying to figure out what I'm NOT supposed to be eating.

So if any of you have any book recommendations that will help me with this exclusion diet, I'd sure appreciate it.

A Promise and A Dream

2009-05-01T10:12:00.000-07:00

A couple of posts ago I promised to post pics of the new furniture we got at a bankruptcy auction last weekend.

Slugbo and I, while no means poor, tend to lean towards the IKEA scale of furniture pricing when we are looking to replace pieces in the house.

About 75% of our furniture is IKEA or second hand stuff. Not that there is anything wrong with that. But you tend to get what you pay for most of the time.

Needless to say, like most males, Slugbo has a LOAD of electronics equipment in the living room and the old IKEA entertainment center just didn't let us put stuff in it neatly. Now hubby does the computers for a local auction house and he found out about the auction before most of the general public. So we got to go in early and scope out what they had in the way of stuff we wanted. He fell in love with this:

It also has the matching hutch over there on the right which fit perfectly on it's wall and we didn't have to move the painting up (though we might anyway).

Another thing we wanted was a set of bunkbeds for the new kids room. We didn't get our first choice, but managed to get our second choice:

The top is a twin and the bottom is a full, and obviously both mattresses are new. We also got what Slug is calling 'The Lifesaver Lamp' over there on the nightstand. We might need to build a rail for the bottom bunk, but we will see. Now I have to pick out bedding.

So those were the two MUST have items (the hutch was a bonus with the lot - there was a matching gun case which is currently in the Pennsylvania room while we figure out what the h* to do with it). The other nice to have was a new sofa.

It needed to be long enough for Mr 6'+ to lay out full length on, and for me to be able to cuddle up next to him no matter how many of the fur babies decide to join us. There was a black sectional leather (7 furbabies equals LOTS of fur) that was perfect for the room. You have to remember that our living room used to be the house garage. So it's 24' by 24'. That makes for a huge room. So a huge sofa will fit. We managed to get it and the first thing hubby said when we got it in the room, was 'Boy that's big!' But we made it work. We also picked up two coffee tables that have storage in them and we decided to use both. So the house is almost 100% done as far as furniture goes.

Now you might remember that the same post that promised the furniture pics, talked about a mini dream list. One of those items being that someone hand knit something for me for a change. Now I didn't mean the remark to be snarky, but it has always struck me that most people that make handmade stuff tend to NOT give them to people that know how to make the items themselves. This isn't always the case.

If you look closely at the sofa pic above you will see the absolutely beautiful handknit shawl I got from the wonderful Miss Cookie. Now I love Cookie's blog and it is one I check everyday. I love how she says that the she hates people, but you can see the love she offers towards those she doesn't lump in with her definition of 'people'. This is the shawl she smoked her friend Manise making middle of last month. I fully admit that I saw the shawl on her blog and thought it was gorgeous, then I got an email asking for my snail mail address and I tentatively began to hope that just MAYBE that shawl could be mine. Granted I'd take anything Cookie was willing to send me because she does such beautiful work no matter what she's knitting.

I got an IM from hubby yesterday that a box had arrived. I IM'd back: Open it! Open it!. So he did and then wouldn't tell me what was in it. Gr. So I called him and sent him the link to the blog post and he said yup. I have to admit I was crying. I mean I knit. I don't necessarily knit well or fast, but I know what goes into a shawl like that. Cookie sent it as a hug that she wasn't able to offer in person since she's a couple of hours north of here. It was her way of offering support and solace for our failed IVF.

I had hubby open it because I wasn't going home before knit group (would have had to back track and we aren't wasting gas right now), so he met me on the way to his gig for the evening with the shawl so I could take it to my knit group.

I have it with me at work today. I won't let it out of my sight and I promise you Cookie I'll take really good care of it so I can give it to a daughter some day or a son's wife if we are lucky to finally adopt, or my nephew's wife or daughter if we are not thusly blessed. It will be cherished forever. More importantly it will be used.

Thank you for the hug Cookie and for helping make part of my little list come true. XOXOXOXOXOXOXO

PS - my pictures suck but the color is true.

Wordless Wednesday

2009-04-29T09:06:00.000-07:00

Please note that the you referenced is not any of my readers. If I'd found this yesterday I'd have posted it then.

A Complete Skin Transplant

2009-04-28T16:20:00.000-07:00

The skin reaction from hell is taking over.

I've gone to the dermatologist. He did a biopsy (YOWCH - the stitches come out in a week) and we are waiting.

And I am shredding my skin because NOTHING IS STOPPING THE ITCHIES!

That and stuff going on at work and the fact that a couple of things I was supposed to get in the mail haven't arrived yet, maybe haven't even been sent yet are NOT AT MY HOUSE.

And I want a new script for Triamcinolone Acetonide Cream.

And while I'm dreaming I still want a pony, a bright yellow Smart Car, a baby, and someone to make me something hand knit for a change.

PS The next post will be better. We got new furniture. Now to keep the cats from shredding it.

You Know You're a Knitter When

2009-04-21T10:50:00.000-07:00

you find out a friend actually has one leg that is 13mm shorter than the other and you wonder what needle size that is.

Hehehehehehehehe

PS 13mm needles are the equivalent of US 17 needles.

Normal is as Normal does

2009-04-13T13:36:00.000-07:00

Alison's comment on the last post made a valid point. What exactly constitutes normal at my house these days?

We spent four years trying to have kids and our life was somewhat tied up in that. But that's done.

We have/had the little demon dog from h* (Scrat the Brat), but he's actually turning into a really good little dog so things are easier with him.

We have been licensed foster parents for almost a year with no placements, but that could change.

We spent the last year playing Travian on server6, but that server is over for round one and hubby will find himself wifeless if he starts up with another server.

The past two weeks have been spent dealing with the disappointment of the failed IVF (I'm kind of doing better), the physical pain that is still a part of that (seems we hit a nerve on each side with the last two progesterone shots), hubby's 40th birthday BBQ was a success and...

We got approved for the Foster folk's Emergency Services Program. We went active this morning. We are taking ages 4 to 6. We could get a call any minute, hour, day now, but I'll believe it when it happens.

That said we spent the weekend finally finishing the paint job in the only other bedroom that still had spackle spots on the wall:

That is B3. This will probably be the kid's room for now. The other room (blue and green) ended up being what we call the Pennsylvania Room. It holds the antiques and art from his mom's house. She would have loved visiting that room.

Since B3 was the "Game Room" you can see one the shelves that hold some toys (the Starter Logs box is lego's people). There is a matching one to the left of the window that holds all the board games.

There is a big open area in the middle as a play area, and I'll get the bench cleaned out so it can be used as a toy box.

The sailboats where chosen to cover the previous border that the previous owner stopped three feet short on and it was hubby's game room. So a boy would fit better in the room, but I hope we have the option of getting a little girl too. And given how fast that border went up, hubby and I are placing bets on how soon it falls down.

Let me know what you think while Slugbo and I figure out what normal is going forward.

No I'm Not Bloggin

2009-04-10T15:05:00.001-07:00

Yes I'm still here.

Things will be back to normal in about a week.

Good Bye s6.travian.us Round 1

2009-04-02T08:15:00.000-07:00

Dear Travian players,

The sun was already rising, but still the workers of the metropolis 1.01 Athaja kept on working to finish their prodigious monument. Around 05:25 am/pm a worker finished the greatest and most formidable building in Travian history since the downfall of the Natarian Empire.

Together with their alliance, "Red Dawn", "myyrkezaan" was the first to finish the construction using millions of resources and protecting it with hundreds of thousands of brave defenders and thus receives the title "winner of this era".

In the end, "dmolla", was the ruler over the greatest empire followed shortly by "Rickroll" and "iPwn".

The mightiest and most fearsome commander was "titmouse", and "Slugbo" was the most glorious defender who slaughtered enemy hosts at his gates staining the lands around his villages with their blood.

We, the Travian-Team, want to thank you who stayed until the end for your overwhelming loyalty and the understanding that you showed us when something wasn't running as smooth as it should have.

Best regards,
Your Travian-Team

It was a pleasure playing with the people in my alliance and our Meta. Thank you all for the support you gave hubby, a.k.a. Slugbo, in his quest to make certain that KGB (a.k.a Red Dawn) was not the only alliance with a leveled up WW at end game. He could not have done it without all of you.

It has been a wild year. Slugbo and I will probably not be coming back to this game again. Real life takes precedence. It will be nice to be able to turn the computers off at the end of the day. ;-) Oh and sleep. That is something we've been lacking recently too.

What Might Have Been

2009-04-01T12:35:00.001-07:00

It was Not Meant to be

2009-03-27T17:21:00.001-07:00

Today was the day hubby and I had been trying to get to for four long years.

Whatever powers that be decide whether or not stuff like this is going to happen decided against us again.

The IVF was not successful.

Hubby got the news first and drove down to tell me in person.

This was our last shot at natural children.

Now the focus shifts to going after a foster placement more aggressively and getting the adoption people to send me the paperwork.

One way or another there will be children in our house some day.

But today is not that day.

Many thanks to everyone for all your kind words and well wishes and prayers and hugs, real and virtual.

Gimme the News!

2009-03-27T10:17:00.000-07:00

Day so far.

Wake up (stupid alarm clock).

Shower.

Wake up hubby.

Finished getting ready.

Medicate Smokey Cat (emerge unscathed).

Let the dogs out. Figure out which cat to strangle for peeing in the dog's room.

Put dogs in office with hubby.

Figure out WHERE in the dog room the cat peed.

Start a load of laundry and scrub the Kuranda bed in the front yard. Cuss the cats the entire time.

Kick two of the cats out of the house for the dog.

Fumigate the dog room.

Tell hubby bye and that I will have our doc call me at work so I can conference him in so we can get the news together.

Head to lab for blood draw.

Wait an hour due to backlog.

Head to work.

IMPATIENTLY WAIT FOR 2PM! Which is the earliest we will know anything.

Write this post.

Hope Cliff the Mutt doesn't need surgery this morning.

Like This Friday

2009-03-25T12:26:00.000-07:00

I am trying desperately to prevent myself from taking a home test at this point.

Belated Birthday Baby Boy

2009-03-20T12:36:00.000-07:00

I'm a bad doggy blogger mom.

Scrat the Brat turned 3 on Wednesday.

It is the day we got him. It is his age as best we can tell.

It is been an eventful two years with this little monster.

Look at that face.

How 12 pounds of compact energy can get into so MUCH trouble is a mystery to me?

He likes to:

eat rocks
turn left down the hall instead of right to his room when he is told BED
eat rocks
chase the cats - though he has stopped trapping them under furniture
eat rocks
not give up the tennis ball from the last throw without making the neighbors think we are skinning him alive
eat rocks - see a pattern here? There is a reason he got a birthday card from the pet insurance company

He redeems himself by:

loving to curl up behind me in my office chair
making hubby smile many times a day
giving his all to whatever you have planned that day whether its sleeping, chasing a ball, hanging out in the office or just wandering around the yard
learning that playing with teeth (i.e. him biting without thinking) is not acceptable
no longer attempting to take a chunk out of my girlfriends ankles when they come over
making certain that every possible IOTA of food is gone from all the dog bowls before he is 'done' with his dinner
by thinking that a new lap is the perfect place to curl up - you sit down, you get a dog in your lap
by showing our friends how much for the better he has changed in the past year from the snarling territorial little monster he truly was into a snuggle bug
never giving up. He KNOWS That ball is out there somewhere okay maybe UP there and has simply not fallen yet. If he could climb that tree he would.
loving my husband completely

You have come a long way Scrat baby. 'Dad' and I cannot believe we have been lucky enough to have had you in our lives these past two years.

Love, 'Mom'

For at Least Two Weeks...

2009-03-13T16:03:00.000-07:00

we can consider ourselves pregnant with fraternal twins.

Two 4 celled embryos, one grade 2 and one grade 3 were transferred without issue today. I LOVE that my RE managed to get down to the city between his other appointments to do it for us.

The two week wait begins.

Slugbo is trying to lock me up for that time, but thankfully I have a paper from the doctor that says bed rest for the whole two weeks will be way worse stress-wise than going about your normal day.

That said I am home for the next 5 days.

Light activity - ha Slugbo rolled me into the house when we got home on the hand truck. Doc wants me to walk as little as possible for the next two days. Basically take it really easy. Cannot lift anything over 15 pounds. Guess that means I better clean out my knitting bag. :-)

Tonight we start the progesterone shots (he is WAY too excited about getting to give me those) and we wait. And I sit. And I watch TV. And I knit. And I hope my local friends will come over and visit because I don't think hubby will let me go far.

So I'm out to the RV (its the only place we have satellite TV) for some knitting and some brain rot.

Thanks for everyone's good thoughts and prayers for today. Think sticky vibes please. I want both to stick but I'll be happy with one too. :-) Anything at this point is better than none.

Well It's Better than None

2009-03-12T21:57:00.000-07:00

10 eggs

6 mature

3 fertilized

3 disintegrated right after the ICSI (sigh old eggs)

1 of the 3 that fertilized went abnormal on the first split.

That leaves us with 2 embryos.

They wanted three, heck they wanted to be able to choose the three they put back, but such is not to be.

So tomorrow is the transfer, instead of Saturday since there is no reason to wait, this is what we have to work with.

I was upset at first. Still am a little. Spoke with the doctor after a panicked two hours of trying to reach him (not his fault he was in surgery).

I do feel better. Given the results, we are lucky to have two.

Please think good thoughts for us tomorrow (Friday the 13th - wow good thing 13 is a good number for me) around noon Pacific time. That's T time.

Then the two week wait begins.

Yesterday went well

2009-03-12T09:17:00.000-07:00

Will have more news after I talk to the doc this afternoon.

Patience...

It's a killer. Gr.

Travian

2009-03-10T19:13:00.000-07:00

It is not just a massive time suck. :-)

Hubby and I have been playing on Travian Server 6 US since last April. We have made lots of friends online and hope to meet many of you in RL some day. He has open invites for a place to stay if we ever visit Turkey or Alaska, Australia too I think.

We are in end game and things are ramping up there just as things in real life are ramping up in with our IVF.

The game has taken second fiddle to making the IVF work and rightly so.

That said, hubby's account is a main player in end game right now (if you remember my Valentine's day post) and having to step back meant letting a lot of people down. He found someone to take over his account so he could take care of me during this time and posted the following to all of our Meta wings:

*****************************
This letter is hard to write, but write it I must. I hope you take the time to read it.

My wife and I have been trying for several years to have children. So far, we have not been successful. It is finally time for science to play a part, and so we've been getting ready to try IVF. For those of you who don't know what that is, Google can provide your answers. But what it means to me, and to us, is this: I cannot continue to devote the amount of time to the WW that I have been. I desperately wanted to see this through to the end, but the doctors have said that this is the month, and when I'm asked to make a decision between Travian and having children, the choice is clear and obvious, despite my sense of letting people down. So, I have arranged to transfer much of the work to willing and able people who have stepped up to help. I know that some people will be sorry to see me go, but I'm sure that plenty of others are excited to hear the news.

Under my care, this account is the top defender on the game. This may very well change as the WWs progress and the really big hammers come out, but perhaps they'll continue to come to me and we'll just keep going up. KGB certainly has a special place in their heart for me. I'm glad I could provide so much entertainment for them, and for you. As I've said before, I'm a complete noob, as this is my first and only server. Everything I have accomplished has been only through the grace of teammates such as you.

So what happens now? Nothing I hope. This WW will continue to grow, and continue to be attacked, and the people who are helping me are certainly not going to let it languish. They need all your help, just as I have needed it. I'll still be checking in and answering IGMs, as I have always done, but the day to day management of the wonder will fall on their shoulders now. They have given up their accounts, or deleted them to be able to do this, so their sacrifice is even greater than mine. I hope you show them the warmth and camaraderie that you have shown me. They deserve it.

Meanwhile, I hope you send good thoughts to me and Jenn as we try this last option. Send an IGM with the subject of "Personal" and the sitters will not read it. I will do my best to respond to every one. It is truly wonderful to play with this group of people, and it has always been my honor to be affiliated with you. In these last few weeks of this server, this group can do anything it wants to. I hope you choose to try and win. I know that I will be.

Oh, and by the way, send wheat.

Thanks.

Ken, aka Slugbo
*****************************

The outpouring of good wishes from all of our friends on Travian was just amazing. Slug's and my IGM Inbox were overwhelmed with all the kind words and well wishes and suggestions from others going through it at the same time and those that have gone through IVF.

People far and wide, across many continents and cultures, sent such nice things, and we wanted to let you know that it means so much to Ken and I to know that all of you are hoping this works out for us. (PLEASE let it work - else I have to tell a global community that it didn't ;-) )

We even heard from some of the nicer KGB folks who offered their well wishes for us too.

So please consider this post a thank you to all of those of you that offered your kind words and well wishes and shared your own experiences with IVF with us.

It means more than we can ever quantify here.

You really are a great bunch of people and Ken and I are proud to be a part of Server 6 US.

Regards,
Tiny Tyrant - plan holder for the Fixer Upper WW

PS Comments will be moderated on this post due to a certain forum posting troll that made a mockery of what we are going through last week on the public travian forums.

It's a Go!

2009-03-09T13:49:00.000-07:00

Egg Retrieval is slated for Wednesday.

As of today:

Right:
19 mm
18 mm
16 mm - 3
14 mm

Left:
19 mm
15 mm - 2

So it looks like we will get 6 to 9 if all goes well.

Waiting for exact time and everything in this afternoon's call.

Daylight Saving Time sucks....

2009-03-08T19:45:00.001-07:00

when you have an 8:45 appointment 1.5 hours away in the City the day after it kicks in.

It was a weekend of doctor visits and a little concern.

We went in Saturday morning and saw that 9 follicles had kept growing and were more or less together, while three decided they'd done enough work and stayed behind. This is okay.

So they said that they didn't want to see me till Monday and we went on our merry way.

Then the phone rang mid afternoon.

My estrogen level had almost quadrupled between Wednesday (679) and Saturday (2179). That could mean one of two things:

1. OHSS - Hyperstimulation of the ovaries which sucks rocks and can require hospitalization.
2. One follicle decided to treat the meds like steroids and ramp up way past the rest of them.

Either way it meant I was going back on Sunday. Really freaking early.

More bloodwork (ask me how sick of needles I am, go ahead, I dare you). (Estrogen today was 2279 so all is well)

Another ultrasound (really sick of those too).

Left side decided to kick start one of the follicles up to 18 mm, but the rest aren't too far behind at 16 and 15mm. So we are still on track and I am still taking shots.

Looks like we will trigger tomorrow night for retrieval on Wednesday. Which means we are looking at a transfer on Saturday or next Monday.

We are so close my friends. I hope to have more good news for you regarding embryo quality by the end of this week.

To those that work with me that read this. I will be late tomorrow (Monday) as I have to be in Marin at 8 am. Meh. I'll be in around 9:30 or so.

This could Work

2009-03-04T11:48:00.000-08:00

There is more hope in my household today.

We had the ultrasound this morning.

Right Ovary:

5 follicles at 10mm
2 follicles at 9mm
1 follicle at 8 or so mm

Left Ovary:

2 follicles at 10mm
1 follicle at 9mm
1 follicle at 8 or so mm

So we will be keeping an eye on the top 7 for the next few days and through the weekend. They have to be at least 16 mm to trigger. The shots should go easier now that I know they are working.

Definitely better results than the last time around. I'd be hopping up and down right now but the ovaries REALLY don't like that right now and for GOOD REASON! YAH!

Where We are...

2009-03-02T21:21:00.000-08:00

Thought I'd offer up a quick IVF update post.

1. Microdose Flare Lupron Protocol
2. Double dose of Follistim from last time, no Menopur (good that stuff sucked rocks)
3. Means three shots a day
4. The Follistim hurts more after the fact this time around
5. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, no matter how good the cause.
6. I'm feeling hammered emotionally and physically
7. This cycle started out the same as last. 10 follicle at best first guess.
8. Next ultrasound is Wednesday
9. I'm scared that the results will be the same as last time. But at the same time refusing to worry about it. I cannot change it.
10. This is our last shot
11. Man I wished I'd finished Tuscany so I had something to wrap up in.
12. I really really wish hubby were home right now.

Look... Knitting

2009-02-27T11:44:00.000-08:00

I do still knit. I have proof.

That is my basic beanie hat in Plymouth Baby Alpaca in Black. Just over one skein.

I knit this up on size 6's because I wanted this to be nice and tight and warm for the recipient.

On that hat are some stitch markers I received in the mail yesterday as a surprise. They are from Kellie a.k.a Lizardtoes on etsy. Someone knows I like pink and purple and orange. I cannot wait to try these.

I finally got pics of the other things I finished and sent out in the past few weeks to assorted co-workers.

That is the Yarn Harlot's One Row Handspun pattern in Paton's Scotland Tweed in a brown with orange, yellow and green flecks.

This particular co-worker told me over a year ago that he got a new jacket that had a brown lining and I offered a scarf to go with it. Sight unseen.

Thankfully I know that when a guy says something is brown, he means brown. Not taupe, or coffee, or nutmeg, or chestnut, but brown. Perfect match if I do say so myself.

Off to Stitches West to drool over fiber galore tomorrow. Should be fun.