No Longer a Teen

20 years old.

It is a milestone.

I cannot believe it has been that long.

From what contact I have had in the past week, you are...

amazing
kind
hyper
happy
generous
gregarious
smart

Thank you for being willing to let me into your life at this time.

Happy Happy Birthday. Hope it is a great one.

Someone New Might Stop By

I received some news today I didn't expect to receive for a long time.

It's private. It's exciting. It's scary.

But with the news there might be someone new stopping by the blog and I just want to say...

Hi.

Welcome.

Hope you don't think I'm too crazy.

I'm here if you have questions, and I'll answer what I can.

I'll let you go first.

I've been where you are and I know how big a step this is.

Your friend from afar.

Why?

Today is an anniversary.

It is hard to believe that my brother would have been 40 this year.

It has been 23 years since he passed by his own hand.

Most of us know, though hopefully not all first hand because I wouldn't wish this on any one, that while the departed is probably in a happier place, those left behind are left with one main question:

Why?

Robbie and I had a huge fight two days before his death. As with most sibling fights, it ended with me telling him to drop dead. Knowing what I know now probably would not have stopped those words from coming out of my mouth. We were both 16 (I'm 3 months older) and we drove each other up the wall. It was not the first time I told him that, and he certainly said it to me enough times.

Yes, I know my brother did not choose to end his life because I told him to do so.
Are you kidding me? Robbie didn't listen to many people and definitely not to me. If he did, he'd have probably done so the previous summer before I deliberately went to stay with a cousin so we would not kill each other. I took myself out of the equation of a long summer of sibling fights to try to maintain a relationship with my brother that did not involve trying to strangle one another on a regular basis.

As Slugbo and I dive deeper into the adoption and foster abyss, we are seeing how many 'problems' can occur from attachment issues. Even from the youngest ages.

Our family was not Robbie's first placement. He had been adopted before. The couple that adopted him got divorced and put him back into the system (do NOT even get me started on why they were ever approved to adopt in the first place). You cannot tell me that a 2 year old doesn't have some unresolved issue surrounding that.

Can we blame those people? Sure. Would we be right? Doubtful. I'd still like to find them some day and slap the tar out of them for putting a 2 year old through that.

There were any number of factors that were involved in the development of my brother's psyche. And none of us that were close to him ever saw that anything was so wrong that he would choose that way out. At least I did not see this coming. I cannot speak for the rest of my family members and since they haven't discussed anything about this since it happened and it serves no purpose now, what's the point?

I will always wonder what he'd be like if he were still around. The remaining family is not close to this day, though I try to keep in touch. His departure could be a factor. It could just be the way we are as a family.

That said, he will always be missed.

I'll leave you all with this song today.

Rascal Flatt's


The part of it that strikes home the most is

'Oh, but I do have one burning question
Who told you life wasn't worth the fight?
They were wrong, they lied, and now you're gone, and we cried'

Remembering a Friend

I moved to California from Alabama almost exactly 14 years ago.

When I still lived there, I did a lot more cross stitch then I do these days. And part of that hobby was hanging out on the newsgroup, r.c.t.n. rec.crafts.textiles.needlepoint

When we found out that my first husband (fiance at the time) was taking a job here, I immediately hit rctn and asked if anyone was in the area, could tell me anything about it, what could we expect, etc?

Elaine responded. I knew her some already because we also have hearing loss in common. Hers due to illness, mine due to no known cause.

In the middle of a whole mess of getting the fiance moved, finishing up a semester of school, working part time, packing up our house and moving back in with my parents till I could finish my co-op commitment, and getting the dog and cat shipped to to California, Elaine offered advice where she could.

I flew out there for Christmas of 95 and she invited us to her home. Two people she only knew on the internet. She was that kind of person.

We kept in touch while I went home and got approved to start at SSU in the fall. She was excited for me when I got my internship at HP. I was excited to hear about her cochlear implant.

I got into town officially on May 9, 1996 after a very long cross country drive. The following week Elaine kidnapped me and made sure I knew where all the good craft stores were. She took me to lunch for Mongolian BBQ. She made me feel welcome.

4 months later, she and friend back in Alabama, Karin, conspired to make sure my birthday didn't pass by unnoticed. The fiance was working crazy hours and was never really home much. I was so grateful because I didn't know a soul and had no other friends here and classes hadn't started yet and I didn't socialize with anyone from work because the fiance worked there too.

Over the next couple of years we saw each other regularly. We had cross stitch night with friends at my house a few times a year. She and I went to a CATS convention in Sacramento one year (she's a great lady but I never got in a car with her again after that trip - a long story for another time).

I finished my second degree. Got a real job. Got married. Got absorbed with that and while Elaine and I still kept in touch via email, we didn't see each other much again until I showed up at a guild knit night 3 years ago at the local Borders.

We caught up. Her CCI dog was wonderful. Her daughter was all grown up. Elaine knit some beautiful lace. So we shared a love of knitting as well.

We never fully hooked up again. We only saw each other on the occasionally knit night that I made it to during the week.

Elaine passed away on April 15th. She was only 56. I guess the good do die young, because they didn't come any better than her.

I am forever grateful that she made this hick's transition to northern California much smoother and much more pleasant than it had any right to be.

Things that Make Me Stabbity

At a loss for today mostly because of a Prednisone induced beyond horrid mood.

So you're stuck with a Thursday Thirteen list.

• The stock market. Hubby is dabbling and it's going to give me an aneurysm.
• The people in my astronomy class that only acknowledge my existence when they need help.
• A person in my circle of existence that is expecting a child and not doing anything to make certain that child is healthy. Most selfish person I ever met. Hands down. This is NOT Cari or Frances. You two rock in the pregnant woman category.
• My astronomy instructor deciding to stop following the syllabus. I'm OCD people. This is not good.
• My skin flaring again.
• My apparent inability to finish a pair of socks for myself
• My apparent inability to finish anything knitted since the bootie to finish the pair for Frances' little munchkin to be.
• Being allergic to EVERYTHING. Not as much of an exaggeration as you might think. And not being able to take much for it because of said allergies. Catch-22
• Not living closer to some people I happen to like and miss very much, but neither am I inclined to leave the state with the best smoking regulations ever (See number 8).
• People who sleep at the office
• The CA State Foster System. It is amazing to me how any of the children that need help, get it.
• Still not knowing if my parents are actually going to come for a visit this year.
• My inability to have children

Year of the Dog

It's that time of year again. Our little Scrat Monster is having another birthday today.

As best we can tell, he is 4 years old today. Which means he was born in the Year of the Dog (how's THAT for appropriate?).

Let's see what that should tell us about him.

Those born in the Year of the Dog possess the best traits of nature. They have a deep sense of loyalty, are honest, and inspire other people's confidence because they know how to keep secrets. But Dog People are somewhat selfish, terribly stubborn, and eccentric. They can be cold emotionally and sometimes distant at parties. They can find fault with many things and are noted for their sharp tongues. Dog people make good leaders. They are compatible with those born in the Years of the Horse, Tiger, and Rabbit.

Loyalty:
Scrat is very much Slugbo's dog. He's his Little Dude, his Bundle of Energy, his Snuggle Buddy. Then 'Mom' gets done with whatever I'm doing and settles into the living room for the night and he's on my lap in a heartbeat. So much for Loyal to Dad. But I'm the one who snapped the leash on him the first day. I'm the one that wouldn't take him to the shelter after we couldn't find his owner and gave him the chance to show Slugbo just how great of a dog he could be for him. So maybe his loyalty is just fine. ;-)

Selfish, Stubborn, Eccentric:
Give the boy a tennis ball and good luck getting it away from him. He won't share them with the other dogs. If he's on a lap, he growls at any of the other fur babies that try to lay down close by (we curb that tendency as much as possible which is why I usually have three grumbling dogs in my lap at the same time). He knows how to get out of his crate, but doesn't do it when I am home, only when Slug is left to take care of the dogs in the morning.

Those are the primary ones that cover his personality.

We should include the following for him.

Adventurous:
He will follow you anywhere. On the "ruff", in the snow, onto an almost ice covered lake. Into the water. He rides on the Jet skis (yes he has doggles), and he will ride in my off road kart with me. He goes in the basket on the bike. He'll ride on the dashboard of the RV.

Sweet:
When he was so sick at the end of last year, early this year, he wanted nothing more than to just sleep curled up on someone.

It was all the sleeping that got us so worried. The deal with the thyroid has appeared to age him some. He's is going more white on his ears and he has white tufts coming in at weird places. But we will take it. The meds are helping. He has his energy back, but he is still the best snuggle bug we have.

We love you Scrat Monster. Here's to many more birthdays with us baby dog.

Wordless Wednesday

Yes my day is sucking, but this was too cute. I want the pot of gold too.