It was Not Meant to be

Today was the day hubby and I had been trying to get to for four long years.

Whatever powers that be decide whether or not stuff like this is going to happen decided against us again.

The IVF was not successful.

Hubby got the news first and drove down to tell me in person.

This was our last shot at natural children.

Now the focus shifts to going after a foster placement more aggressively and getting the adoption people to send me the paperwork.

One way or another there will be children in our house some day.

But today is not that day.

Many thanks to everyone for all your kind words and well wishes and prayers and hugs, real and virtual.

Gimme the News!

Day so far.

Wake up (stupid alarm clock).

Shower.

Wake up hubby.

Finished getting ready.

Medicate Smokey Cat (emerge unscathed).

Let the dogs out. Figure out which cat to strangle for peeing in the dog's room.

Put dogs in office with hubby.

Figure out WHERE in the dog room the cat peed.

Start a load of laundry and scrub the Kuranda bed in the front yard. Cuss the cats the entire time.

Kick two of the cats out of the house for the dog.

Fumigate the dog room.

Tell hubby bye and that I will have our doc call me at work so I can conference him in so we can get the news together.

Head to lab for blood draw.

Wait an hour due to backlog.

Head to work.

IMPATIENTLY WAIT FOR 2PM! Which is the earliest we will know anything.

Write this post.

Hope Cliff the Mutt doesn't need surgery this morning.

Like This Friday

I am trying desperately to prevent myself from taking a home test at this point.

For at Least Two Weeks...

we can consider ourselves pregnant with fraternal twins.

Two 4 celled embryos, one grade 2 and one grade 3 were transferred without issue today. I LOVE that my RE managed to get down to the city between his other appointments to do it for us.

The two week wait begins.

Slugbo is trying to lock me up for that time, but thankfully I have a paper from the doctor that says bed rest for the whole two weeks will be way worse stress-wise than going about your normal day.

That said I am home for the next 5 days.

Light activity - ha Slugbo rolled me into the house when we got home on the hand truck. Doc wants me to walk as little as possible for the next two days. Basically take it really easy. Cannot lift anything over 15 pounds. Guess that means I better clean out my knitting bag. :-)

Tonight we start the progesterone shots (he is WAY too excited about getting to give me those) and we wait. And I sit. And I watch TV. And I knit. And I hope my local friends will come over and visit because I don't think hubby will let me go far.

So I'm out to the RV (its the only place we have satellite TV) for some knitting and some brain rot.

Thanks for everyone's good thoughts and prayers for today. Think sticky vibes please. I want both to stick but I'll be happy with one too. :-) Anything at this point is better than none.

Well It's Better than None

10 eggs

6 mature

3 fertilized

3 disintegrated right after the ICSI (sigh old eggs)

1 of the 3 that fertilized went abnormal on the first split.

That leaves us with 2 embryos.

They wanted three, heck they wanted to be able to choose the three they put back, but such is not to be.

So tomorrow is the transfer, instead of Saturday since there is no reason to wait, this is what we have to work with.

I was upset at first. Still am a little. Spoke with the doctor after a panicked two hours of trying to reach him (not his fault he was in surgery).

I do feel better. Given the results, we are lucky to have two.

Please think good thoughts for us tomorrow (Friday the 13th - wow good thing 13 is a good number for me) around noon Pacific time. That's T time.

Then the two week wait begins.

Yesterday went well

Will have more news after I talk to the doc this afternoon.

Patience...

It's a killer. Gr.

It's a Go!

Egg Retrieval is slated for Wednesday.

As of today:

Right:
19 mm
18 mm
16 mm - 3
14 mm

Left:
19 mm
15 mm - 2

So it looks like we will get 6 to 9 if all goes well.

Waiting for exact time and everything in this afternoon's call.

Daylight Saving Time sucks....

when you have an 8:45 appointment 1.5 hours away in the City the day after it kicks in.

It was a weekend of doctor visits and a little concern.

We went in Saturday morning and saw that 9 follicles had kept growing and were more or less together, while three decided they'd done enough work and stayed behind. This is okay.

So they said that they didn't want to see me till Monday and we went on our merry way.

Then the phone rang mid afternoon.

My estrogen level had almost quadrupled between Wednesday (679) and Saturday (2179). That could mean one of two things:

1. OHSS - Hyperstimulation of the ovaries which sucks rocks and can require hospitalization.
2. One follicle decided to treat the meds like steroids and ramp up way past the rest of them.

Either way it meant I was going back on Sunday. Really freaking early.

More bloodwork (ask me how sick of needles I am, go ahead, I dare you). (Estrogen today was 2279 so all is well)

Another ultrasound (really sick of those too).

Left side decided to kick start one of the follicles up to 18 mm, but the rest aren't too far behind at 16 and 15mm. So we are still on track and I am still taking shots.

Looks like we will trigger tomorrow night for retrieval on Wednesday. Which means we are looking at a transfer on Saturday or next Monday.

We are so close my friends. I hope to have more good news for you regarding embryo quality by the end of this week.

To those that work with me that read this. I will be late tomorrow (Monday) as I have to be in Marin at 8 am. Meh. I'll be in around 9:30 or so.

This could Work

There is more hope in my household today.

We had the ultrasound this morning.

Right Ovary:

• 5 follicles at 10mm
• 2 follicles at 9mm
• 1 follicle at 8 or so mm

Left Ovary:

• 2 follicles at 10mm
• 1 follicle at 9mm
• 1 follicle at 8 or so mm

So we will be keeping an eye on the top 7 for the next few days and through the weekend. They have to be at least 16 mm to trigger. The shots should go easier now that I know they are working.

Definitely better results than the last time around. I'd be hopping up and down right now but the ovaries REALLY don't like that right now and for GOOD REASON! YAH!

Where We are...

Thought I'd offer up a quick IVF update post.

1. Microdose Flare Lupron Protocol
2. Double dose of Follistim from last time, no Menopur (good that stuff sucked rocks)
3. Means three shots a day
4. The Follistim hurts more after the fact this time around
5. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, no matter how good the cause.
6. I'm feeling hammered emotionally and physically
7. This cycle started out the same as last. 10 follicle at best first guess.
8. Next ultrasound is Wednesday
9. I'm scared that the results will be the same as last time. But at the same time refusing to worry about it. I cannot change it.
10. This is our last shot
11. Man I wished I'd finished Tuscany so I had something to wrap up in.
12. I really really wish hubby were home right now.

He is Tired Too.

Hubby went on the attack with our RE* yesterday.

We had a really long meeting with him about

• what happened
• what could have been the cause for such a poor response (I know this one - I'm broken) to the meds
• what will be different next time
• what protocols we have to choose from
• why did he choose the one we are doing next (Microdose Lupron Flare Protocol) vs the Antagonist protocol

Hubby told him he's tired of watching me fall apart when what they try fails (I could have TOTALLY taken that the wrong way, but he was upset and I know he did not mean it that way). He wants them to stop being conservative with us (me). We want to do whatever has the best chance of a better response and more eggs so we have some to choose from for the transfer.

No I will NOT take the route of the woman in SoCal. UCSF standards call for 3 transferred for my age group. Their multiple rate is very low and I trust my doctor. I don't want a multiple birth. I just want one healthy baby, though I admit twins doesn't sound too scary.

If, when we get to the baseline portion of the new ride, it looks like I'm a better fit of the other protocol, my doc will stop the cycle and switch me over. I am prepared for this possibility since it will happen BEFORE I start all the shots this time.

Hubby also made it clear that the only doctor we are willing to see during this cycle is him. We know they are part of a practice, and it's a teaching facility and I have NO problem with Fellows seeing me with him. But every major medical decision we have to make this cycle will have his input. Period. Else we won't start until he doesn't have a planned vacation coming up for the extent of the cycle.

So the roller coaster ride begins again February 15th.

*reproductive endocrinologist

Hopes Dashed

And no this isn't about football.

When we canceled the IVF due to lack of progress in spite of a ton of injections, we converted to an IUI in the hopes that all would not be lost (read that as wasted - I wanted something to show for all that effort).

There was hope.

There were eggs.

I took it easy.

It did not matter.

Fate struck me down again over the weekend.

We are still crying ( okay I am, hubby** is merely holding me whenever I have the latest breakdown and that's good thing - the holding not the breakdowns )

As noted last post, we see our RE again Thursday to see what hope there is left.

I am tired.

** Edited to clarify that hubby wants this to work as much as I do. He wants a baby. He is upset too that it didn't work, but mostly because of how hard the entire process has been and is on me. I love him dearly.

Next Steps

Plus a Possible Rant.

I pulled my head out of the sand long enough to call my RE and schedule our - where do we go from here with the IVF now - call.

Bloodwork Monday to find out if everything is calming down correctly post trigger.

Appointment Thursday to find out what protocol he wants to do next.

There will NOT be a next after this one. I cannot go through this three times. Two is going to be hard enough. Hubby is with me on this one.

Begin rant:

I am sticking my head back in the sand for the weekend because I cannot read anything else about that lady in SoCal that had 8 babies. On top of the SIX kids she already had.

Who the h* was the frakked up doctor that would prescribe fertility drugs to a woman that OBVIOUSLY doesn't need them?

Lady you have/had 6 healthy kids and for some reason decided it was a good idea to have a huge set of multiples, practically guaranteeing that those children will have medical and developmental problems growing up. I do not consider that responsible reproduction.

Now don't get me wrong. I hope those babies are just fine and go on to prove everybody wrong. But it's not fair. This woman is not in same ranking as most of the people I know suffering infertility issues right now.

Just one. That's all I'm asking for. It shouldn't be this hard.

Cancelled

It is VERY hard to make the right, logical decision when you are an emotional basket case that is

done with hormones
done with needles
done with stirrups
done with doctors ( as much as I like mine )

but that is what was done today.

Four follies were moving up the size chart. Because of one over achiever, they were going to trigger me tonight, which means we would probably have only ended up with 3 eggs if that and no idea of quality.

So, since we really only get one shot at this financially, we are canceling this cycle.

We are still triggering me tonight so they won't keep growing, but no IVF.

We try again next cycle or when our doctor says it's good with a different drug protocol.

Thanks to everyone for your prayers and well wishes. Would that my body had cooperated more.

These are NOT Tears of Joy

The doctor told me this morning to consider the possibility that we will have to cancel the cycle this weekend.

I started out with 10 follicles at the first ultrasound.

Started the stims and only had 4 that were growing on the right by the second ultrasound.

Out of those four only two are large enough right now to be considered for retrieval.

But 2 isn't enough. It's actually pretty darn bad.

If the other two haven't gotten significantly bigger between this morning and tomorrow morning's ultrasound, we will probably cancel the cycle.

I just really want to scream really really loudly that IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!

Why won't whatever powers that be that control this let me have kids? I just don't understand. I'm not a bad person. Everyone says I'll be a great Mom. Hubby will be a wonderful father.

We cannot even get a frakking foster placement.

I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm following all the instructions. We aren't bad people.

WHY?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Almost Wordless Wednesday

Today's appointment didn't go well. Left ovary isn't responding at all to the drugs. Right ovary only has 4 responding with one more borderline.

I want my mom.

--> Edited - I caved and called Mom crying. She will be here Saturday and stay through the following Sunday. And yeah I'm 38. Doesn't mean I don't need my mom.

When the Rough Get the Go Ahead...

the rough start freaking out all over again about the new shots they add to their schedule tonight.

Brief IVF update:

Ultrasound on Wednesday was fine. 6 follicles on the right 4 on the left. There could be more. There could not be. All 10 could not develop. All 10 could not produce an egg. Hope for at least 3 please, though I'll settle for any number other than 0.

Blood test was clear (for the smart a* out there that does not mean my blood is clear and I'm from the planet ziploc).

So we add the Follistim and Menopur to the shot sequence tonight. One is a dial up pen injection and the other is something you have mix - multiple vials - different needles. Fun times, let me tell you.

I fully expect the office to start a pool on how many times they can either make me cry or lose my temper over the next two weeks over trivial items. Note to co-workers: repeatedly setting off the office doorbell to change the tune is not considered trivial.

I'd say send chocolate but I'm giving it up. Actually I can have white chocolate. So send that. Please. Buckets of it. We are going to need it.

Knitting:

Clockwise from gray blob on left.

Gray Blob: Thorpe for a colleague in Texas in Patons Classic Wool two different shades of gray held double. Won't be an exact Thorpe, but will mod the pattern to fit him and my gauge.

Never Not Knitting Calendar face page. Because I haven't thrown it away yet. :-)

Stripey sock: Red Heart Heart and Sole with Aloe - color Rustica. The boy (another co-worker) has freaking long feet (11") and I went through almost 4 color repeats.

Sock wannabe: Patons Kroy is a red black blend. For me maybe. I know other people with the same foot size. I want to play with some baby cables on it. Don't expect lots of progress soon.

Scarf: For another colleague (you'd think they'd like me more ;-) ) Yarn Harlot's One Row Handspun done up in Patons Shetland Tweed in a brown with specs of green, yellow and orange.

Yummy yarn: Blue Sky Alpaca's Cabled Cowl in Suri Merino color Snow. I LOVE THIS YARN. It is so soft. Susan would totally want to eat this stuff.

Center: My Moleskine notebook that I'm using for all my IVF stuff.

Not shown: LOTS. Hubby's sweater. A Noro two row scarf (because I am still a lemming). More socks. Lace. Tuscany. A poncho (don't ask how old that one is - I should finish it is since it is certainly an easy enough pattern). Hats in progress in my head if not on my needles. More.

So I've been knitting. I've been shooting up. I'm still here. Hubby is being supportive. I'm being a basket case. We will all survive.

>> edited to modify photo which was showing client information - Not GOOD!

A New Tradition

Wake up at 11 and see that all the kitties are snug on your lap (you're sick so you're sleeping in the recliner in the living room).

Turn on the TV and start finishing the Buck Rogers DVD set you borrowed over a year ago so you can give it back.

Hubby wakes up and joins you (he's sick too and hacking up a storm at night).

You open presents around noon and love all the yarn you've been given:

2 skeins of Sport Weight Blue Sky Alpaca - a pretty cornflower blue
1 skein of Melange Blue Sky Alpaca - a pretty blue green
3 skeins of Suri Merino Blue Sky Alpaca in Natural
The Blue Sky Alpaca Arm Warmer pattern to go with the first two yarns.

Hubby got a book and a video game (Left 4 Dead) and a board game.

Continue watching Buck Rogers for the rest of the entire day while Hubby vegs on the couch playing his game and you knit.

Try to find your RE doc since you are spotting and have to start the IVF drugs on Sunday.

Call your mother.

Wish you had family closer.

Say hi to your friends online.

Blog.

Go back in and spend rest of evening with hubby.

Merry Christmas Everyone.

Not Cooperating

New pills to prep for IVF are mucking up my system good.

So I feel like crap, my body is not behaving itself.

Just reminding myself that it's worth it, and it is. No doubt about that.

This is what we want and hopefully it will work.

Keep your fingers crossed.

I'll think we will need all the help we can get over the next two months.