Friday, May 14, 2010

Why?

Today is an anniversary.

It is hard to believe that my brother would have been 40 this year.

It has been 23 years since he passed by his own hand.

Most of us know, though hopefully not all first hand because I wouldn't wish this on any one, that while the departed is probably in a happier place, those left behind are left with one main question:

Why?

Robbie and I had a huge fight two days before his death. As with most sibling fights, it ended with me telling him to drop dead. Knowing what I know now probably would not have stopped those words from coming out of my mouth. We were both 16 (I'm 3 months older) and we drove each other up the wall. It was not the first time I told him that, and he certainly said it to me enough times.

Yes, I know my brother did not choose to end his life because I told him to do so.
Are you kidding me? Robbie didn't listen to many people and definitely not to me. If he did, he'd have probably done so the previous summer before I deliberately went to stay with a cousin so we would not kill each other. I took myself out of the equation of a long summer of sibling fights to try to maintain a relationship with my brother that did not involve trying to strangle one another on a regular basis.


As Slugbo and I dive deeper into the adoption and foster abyss, we are seeing how many 'problems' can occur from attachment issues. Even from the youngest ages.

Our family was not Robbie's first placement. He had been adopted before. The couple that adopted him got divorced and put him back into the system (do NOT even get me started on why they were ever approved to adopt in the first place). You cannot tell me that a 2 year old doesn't have some unresolved issue surrounding that.

Can we blame those people? Sure. Would we be right? Doubtful. I'd still like to find them some day and slap the tar out of them for putting a 2 year old through that.

There were any number of factors that were involved in the development of my brother's psyche. And none of us that were close to him ever saw that anything was so wrong that he would choose that way out. At least I did not see this coming. I cannot speak for the rest of my family members and since they haven't discussed anything about this since it happened and it serves no purpose now, what's the point?

I will always wonder what he'd be like if he were still around. The remaining family is not close to this day, though I try to keep in touch. His departure could be a factor. It could just be the way we are as a family.

That said, he will always be missed.

I'll leave you all with this song today.

Rascal Flatt's


The part of it that strikes home the most is

'Oh, but I do have one burning question
Who told you life wasn't worth the fight?
They were wrong, they lied, and now you're gone, and we cried'

6 comments:

Ruprecht said...

Yowzah. And sorry for the memories this day brings.

Thank you for sharing. You’ll be engrained into my thoughts today with this tale. One day, I hope you find answers to your questions. Then, the weight of the situation can be lifted and the forgiveness be complete and healing.

............ Rupe

Romi said...

Oh, I'm so very sorry, Jenn. Hugs to you.

And one thing I've realized as a parent. Although nurture does play an important part in who we are, nature is a huge huge factor. Kids are born with very definite personalities. Do you know about your brother's birth family? Depression may have run in the family, and sometimes it's very very difficult to fight against genetics.

And the other thing to remember, which is something a wise person once told me. If you are not a person who would end their own life, you will never be able to understand why someone else would. It is not logical. Sometimes there is no understanding, only acceptance.

xoxoxoxo

Tiny Tyrant said...

That's just it Rosemary.

He never showed any signs of depression.

We don't know anything about his birth family though I'm thinking about trying to find them. Not sure if I can get de-identified information from Texas for someone other than myself.

karin said...

I'm so late with this response, but I'm sorry for the sadness this day brings you. ***hugs***

AlisonH said...

I am so sorry. What an unfathomable loss. And Romi, thank you for those words of wisdom.

Kate said...

I'm with you about slapping the people who gave him back silly.