Friday, January 30, 2009

Next Steps

Plus a Possible Rant.

I pulled my head out of the sand long enough to call my RE and schedule our - where do we go from here with the IVF now - call.

Bloodwork Monday to find out if everything is calming down correctly post trigger.

Appointment Thursday to find out what protocol he wants to do next.

There will NOT be a next after this one. I cannot go through this three times. Two is going to be hard enough. Hubby is with me on this one.

Begin rant:

I am sticking my head back in the sand for the weekend because I cannot read anything else about that lady in SoCal that had 8 babies. On top of the SIX kids she already had.

Who the h* was the frakked up doctor that would prescribe fertility drugs to a woman that OBVIOUSLY doesn't need them?

Lady you have/had 6 healthy kids and for some reason decided it was a good idea to have a huge set of multiples, practically guaranteeing that those children will have medical and developmental problems growing up. I do not consider that responsible reproduction.

Now don't get me wrong. I hope those babies are just fine and go on to prove everybody wrong. But it's not fair. This woman is not in same ranking as most of the people I know suffering infertility issues right now.

Just one. That's all I'm asking for. It shouldn't be this hard.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

A Boy and his Dog

Definitely felt a need to post something positive for a change.

Mom wanted to see the ocean while she was here. And in January in Northern California, you can do that. Sucks to be me, eh? (Don't answer that)

This was Scrat the Brat's first visit to the beach and my first to this particular beach. The only one in Sonoma County still open to dogs. Gr. I love birds and wildlife, but do NOT tell me they are banning dogs from a beach because they MIGHT disturb a Snowy Plover nest and still allow people on the same beach to walk along and crush the same nests under the sand. The logic totally escapes me.

Anyway. We took the Ball Launcher and slapped Scrat's life jacket on him and it was three hours of dog chasing ball.

The pic to the left is my favorite of hubby and Scrat from that day. Scrat had already been at this for about an hour and showed no signs of letting any balls get away from him.

He had such a good time that he's still recovering from all that running. Granted it's nice to see his version of calm for a change. hehe

Not by any means the last picture I took that day, but it is Scrat's running prints and Oscar the Dog's paw and shadow. It's one of favorite pics too.

Cliff the Mutt was there as well but all he does is wander around and sniff everything.

Friday, January 23, 2009

More to the Story

Last post about McGee.

McGee's mom called hubby back last night. We found out what actually caused him to bolt in the first place.

When I was driving down Fulton I had seen a hot air balloon off to the right coming in REALLY low (like at the top of the trees low). Next thing I know I am seeing McGee running up the other lane of traffic against traffic.

Turns out the hot air balloon was over them on their walk and it was low enough that when the ballooner fired the burner, it freaked McGee out and he bolted.

The main street was a short distance away. He saw the cars and entered chase mode. He actually ran behind me it seems.

So he didn't break away to chase the cars. The balloon scared him and 'Mom' couldn't hold him and you know the rest of the story.

Nobody's fault. Just a senseless accident. Though I'm still mad that the guy that actually ran him over did not even bother to stop.

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Small World

I do not believe in a higher power*.

I might believe in Fate.

Especially after Sunday.

I could not stop thinking about McGee, probably due to the sad place I am in myself right now. So yesterday I googled the owner's phone number.

I saw the name and promptly pinged hubby and asked why it was so familiar.

She is one of his clients. He knows her. He has been to her house. He has done computer work for her. She is a really nice lady.

Now it is not just some poor couple's dog that met with a tragic accident. It is someone you know and like and respect and it hits that much closer to home.

Perhaps there was a reason I was the one 'chosen' to be there at the end. Life sure has a funny way of making you stand up and take notice.

Hubby will be speaking with McGee's 'Mom' today to offer his condolences.

*This is not open to debate. You have your beliefs, I have mine. I will respect your right to yours, you respect my right to mine.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Wordless Wednesday

funny pictures of cats with captions

Doing better.

Still want to curl up like this kitteh at some points during each day.

Glad my mom is here

Glad for my husband.

Glad for my furbabies.

Glad for my plurk pals that are helping keep me sane.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Good Bye McGee

This is somewhat graphic, and very sad, so I'd stop reading now if I were you and you cannot handle that right now.

Sunday started off okay, then I left the house (first mistake) to take Mom to church.

Driving down Fulton road, we are getting close to our turn and there is a dog in the other lane running AGAINST opposing traffic. And there was some traffic.

I tell Mom we will be late for church because I will try to catch the dog and I have a barricade in the back of my car to hold him.

Then a truck is turning into the same lane as the dog, as the dog runs up to it. The truck tried to stop. He really did try. But his back tires went over the dog anyway. I am not happy the truck driver didn't stop though.

The dog did manage to get up and run down the street I was headed for. I just had to get the guy in front of me in the turn lane to get out of my way (he was tracking the dog too).

I made the turn and could see where the dog had collapsed (thankfully on the sidewalk). Another vehicle pulled off from the other direction and was calling animal services (I think). I pulled off to a side street by the same lady, told Mom to stay in the car and ran to the dog.

He had a tag on (thank goodness). His name was McGee. I called his owner and told him what happened and where we were and that I would wait for him. McGee kept trying to get up. I kept holding him down.

I think he was a pit bull cross. Beautiful dog. Young dog.

Every breathe brought more blood down the sidewalk and there wasn't anything I could for him other than keep him calm. I still don't know how I ended up without blood all over me.

The female half of his owner walked up about then with their other dog. McGee had gotten away from her. I could see how that happened. You have a strong dog, that wants to chase cars, being walked by a very small older lady that probably couldn't handle him.

I told her what had happened and that I'd already called her husband and that she needs to call the 24 hour vet clinic down the street and let them know they were on their way with the dog.

McGee started bleeding more heavily and all I could do was tell him it would be okay and that his owner was there and everything would be all right really soon.

The husband showed up and I asked the other lady that stopped to go to my truck and get a blanket out of the back (a Winnie the Pooh blanket I had made that my furbabies loved because it's fleece) so we could wrap McGee up for the ride to the clinic.

We got him into their truck. I said of course I don't need the blanket back. It's gone to a good cause.

I went back to my car and wiped the blood off of my hands and thanked the other lady for her help.

Mom and I went on to church. We actually made it on time, not that Mom was worried about it.

I went by the vet clinic on the way home. Their car wasn't there anymore which didn't bode well. I took Mom grocery shopping. We got the Christmas tree taken down and the living room put back together and I called the owner back since I still had their number in my phone.

His female owner answered the phone and thanked me again for stopping and for following up with the call.

McGee did not make it, which was not really a surprise. But I was crying anyway. A death of a beautiful animal never makes sense.

Good bye McGee. Your owners loved you dearly and miss you terribly.

Saturday, January 17, 2009


It is VERY hard to make the right, logical decision when you are an emotional basket case that is

done with hormones
done with needles
done with stirrups
done with doctors ( as much as I like mine )

but that is what was done today.

Four follies were moving up the size chart. Because of one over achiever, they were going to trigger me tonight, which means we would probably have only ended up with 3 eggs if that and no idea of quality.

So, since we really only get one shot at this financially, we are canceling this cycle.

We are still triggering me tonight so they won't keep growing, but no IVF.

We try again next cycle or when our doctor says it's good with a different drug protocol.

Thanks to everyone for your prayers and well wishes. Would that my body had cooperated more.

Friday, January 16, 2009

These are NOT Tears of Joy

The doctor told me this morning to consider the possibility that we will have to cancel the cycle this weekend.

I started out with 10 follicles at the first ultrasound.

Started the stims and only had 4 that were growing on the right by the second ultrasound.

Out of those four only two are large enough right now to be considered for retrieval.

But 2 isn't enough. It's actually pretty darn bad.

If the other two haven't gotten significantly bigger between this morning and tomorrow morning's ultrasound, we will probably cancel the cycle.

I just really want to scream really really loudly that IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!

Why won't whatever powers that be that control this let me have kids? I just don't understand. I'm not a bad person. Everyone says I'll be a great Mom. Hubby will be a wonderful father.

We cannot even get a frakking foster placement.

I'm not doing anything wrong. I'm following all the instructions. We aren't bad people.


Thursday, January 15, 2009

Everyone Say Cheese!

Perpstu tagged me for this:

Here are the rules:

1. To to your My Pictures folder
2. Go to your 6th folder
3. Go to your 6th picture
4. Blog it
5. Tag 6 friends to do the same

Steps 1 through 3. I don't have 6 folders in my pic folder at work. I have 4. So I grabbed the 6th photo from the 2nd child folder in the 4th parent folder. Got all that?

Step 4: Blog it:

Hubby and I were up for an award a few summers ago with a non profit we volunteered for call Face 2 Face. He got volunteer of the year and they let me piggy back on it with him.

Well they wanted to put an announcement in their newsletter and they wanted a pic.

So I get home from work, slap on some makeup and we start wandering around the property taking assorted shots to submit for the newsletter. This is not the one they chose (see below), but it's a nice pic nonetheless. Isn't he cute?

Step 5: Pass it Forward.

Nope. I stopped passing forward Tags with my last attempts since I came to blogging late and most of the people I would tag have already done all of them.

If you read this and want to pass it forward be my guest.

You get a second picture instead.

PS - Another ultrasound tomorrow morning. Cross your fingers.

PPS - Heya Perpstu - look closely and you'll see some of my ink.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Almost Wordless Wednesday

funny pictures of cats with captions

Today's appointment didn't go well. Left ovary isn't responding at all to the drugs. Right ovary only has 4 responding with one more borderline.

I want my mom.

--> Edited - I caved and called Mom crying. She will be here Saturday and stay through the following Sunday. And yeah I'm 38. Doesn't mean I don't need my mom.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Lightness and Dark

Bloodwork today came back fine. No changes to current protocol or dosages. That said the stim drugs that I started on Friday night are kicking me good.

Saturday was a day of major headaches that came and kind of went but were never fully gone. And crying, oh my gosh the crying.

Sunday was better. But still moody on the meds. Went to my friend Barbara's house for knitting. Had a blast. Her dogs are great. Her friends dogs are great. Her other friends are very nice.

I got sick while I was there (she didn't know, but will after she reads this) from the meds. Sigh. Went home and relaxed. But it was a great day and I'm glad I went and I got to meet some really nice people and I also love talking to Barbara. She's one smart cookie and her knitting and spinning is gorgeous.

On the dark side of this, it appears that the stim drugs have decided to give me nightmares.

Brief background. I was attacked in Fall of 89 when I went back to college. I've had nightmares for years about it (shocker there) and for the most part they are gone. Hubby is very good at making them go away. He knows the signs (usually I end up either holding my breathe or whimpering incessantly). I haven't had one for ages.

So this morning I swore I woke up screaming hubby's name but it was all in my head. See there is this rumor going around the office about whether or not I wear certain articles of clothing when I wear skirts or dresses. It is not anybody's business whether I do or don't and I'm not confirming or denying. All I'm saying is this is NOT something you start discussing on the sly with the other 12 year old leches in the office. Especially where other people can hear it being discussed and let me know about it. I'm the only deaf person in the office you stupid person. Others can hear just fine and they have my back.

So I'm having this nightmare that I'm at the office in a back room looking for something with some new guy (no we don't actually have a new guy - else that would be weird). He heard the rumor and wants to know if it's true or not and I won't tell him. So he decides to try to forcefully find out for himself. At which point I start fighting him off and screaming at the top of my lungs (in my dream anyway) and wake up right before my alarm goes off.

Therefore the hormones are psyching me out and mucking with the one stupid nightmare I finally got under control and morphed the darn thing. I am pretty sure I know who started the rumor and I am absolutely livid. This person is considered friend and has some other issues going on right now, but that is no excuse to disrespect me this much in this manner.

I'll figure out what to do about him after I'm not quite the hormonal homicidal harridan.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Ignore My Last Post

Go read this!

Get angry.

If you have an in with Blue Cross Blue Shield, use it!

If you have an in with Abbott, use it!

If you have an in with Caremark, use it!

If you can send her Humira yourself, heck do it!

Let Alison know you are thinking about her and hope for the best.

When the Rough Get the Go Ahead...

the rough start freaking out all over again about the new shots they add to their schedule tonight.

Brief IVF update:

Ultrasound on Wednesday was fine. 6 follicles on the right 4 on the left. There could be more. There could not be. All 10 could not develop. All 10 could not produce an egg. Hope for at least 3 please, though I'll settle for any number other than 0.

Blood test was clear (for the smart a* out there that does not mean my blood is clear and I'm from the planet ziploc).

So we add the Follistim and Menopur to the shot sequence tonight. One is a dial up pen injection and the other is something you have mix - multiple vials - different needles. Fun times, let me tell you.

I fully expect the office to start a pool on how many times they can either make me cry or lose my temper over the next two weeks over trivial items. Note to co-workers: repeatedly setting off the office doorbell to change the tune is not considered trivial.

I'd say send chocolate but I'm giving it up. Actually I can have white chocolate. So send that. Please. Buckets of it. We are going to need it.


Clockwise from gray blob on left.

Gray Blob: Thorpe for a colleague in Texas in Patons Classic Wool two different shades of gray held double. Won't be an exact Thorpe, but will mod the pattern to fit him and my gauge.

Never Not Knitting Calendar face page. Because I haven't thrown it away yet. :-)

Stripey sock: Red Heart Heart and Sole with Aloe - color Rustica. The boy (another co-worker) has freaking long feet (11") and I went through almost 4 color repeats.

Sock wannabe: Patons Kroy is a red black blend. For me maybe. I know other people with the same foot size. I want to play with some baby cables on it. Don't expect lots of progress soon.

Scarf: For another colleague (you'd think they'd like me more ;-) ) Yarn Harlot's One Row Handspun done up in Patons Shetland Tweed in a brown with specs of green, yellow and orange.

Yummy yarn: Blue Sky Alpaca's Cabled Cowl in Suri Merino color Snow. I LOVE THIS YARN. It is so soft. Susan would totally want to eat this stuff.

Center: My Moleskine notebook that I'm using for all my IVF stuff.

Not shown: LOTS. Hubby's sweater. A Noro two row scarf (because I am still a lemming). More socks. Lace. Tuscany. A poncho (don't ask how old that one is - I should finish it is since it is certainly an easy enough pattern). Hats in progress in my head if not on my needles. More.

So I've been knitting. I've been shooting up. I'm still here. Hubby is being supportive. I'm being a basket case. We will all survive.

>> edited to modify photo which was showing client information - Not GOOD!