Having spent 15 hours in a car with nothing but a dog for conversation leaves you plenty of time for thinking. Too much time.
So I came up with the brilliant idea (ha - I've been awake for 40 hours so pardon the delusions) of Thoughts for Thursday.
My iPod saved my sanity on this trip, and my new Griffin FM transmitter with autoscan and the fact that my husband fixed my radio so I can actually SEE what station I'm on (and the fact that leaving at 10:00 at night meant I missed traffic in San Francisco, LA and Phoenix).
One of the songs that I ran through was LeAnn Womack's 'Forever Everyday'
**********
I knew this kid, his name was Michael
He was only four years old
We sat on a rock and started talkin'
And he told me things I didn't know
He said yesterday he was an Indian
And how he played with buffalo
Well, I got a sense that he had been there
And he made me really wanna go
Remember waitin' all year for December
Thought God was cryin' when it rained
And that the stars were fireflies
Dreams were real and big as life
It was forever everyday
I was tuckin' in my little girl
She held my hand and we said a prayer
I prayed, "Bless Grandma with the angels."
And she said, "Hey Mom, she's standin' over there."
Well, I couldn't see her but I don't doubt it
Maybe 'cause I'm older and less wise
What if Heaven’s all around us
But only seen through children’s eyes
Remember waitin' all year for December
Thought God was cryin' when it rained
And that the stars were fireflies
Dreams were real and big as life
It was forever everyday
They say when you're old you're a child again
But do we have to wait 'till then
Remember waitin' all year for December
Thought God was cryin' when it rained
And that the stars were firefliesD
reams were real and big as life
It was forever everyday
Forever
I knew this kid his name was Michael
**********
It made me wonder just what would we be able to see if we would just take the time to look and believe.
With my physics degree I know what stars actually are, but I wish I could see them as fireflies again.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
Sunday, July 20, 2008
To Be There for Her.
I have a very weird family tree. I am adopted so I have the branches of Mom and Dad. I suppose my branch and that of my siblings are grafted onto that tree.
I found my biological mother 12 years ago and with her a half sister whom I adore as well as a grandmother whom I've only met once, 5 years ago. We were a little worried about telling her that I found them. I am the 'bastard' grandchild that was given up after all. I represent failure on a large scale.
My sister is Anita and in the past two years she's had a heck of a burden to bear. Our grandmother Margaret and Margaret's husband (not our grandfather) have been declining in health. Anita managed to get the husband moved to a VA hospital near Tucson (they were in Las Vegas) and got Margaret settled in the house next door to her (how's that for convenience?).
Anita had to place Margaret in hospice care last week. The doctors are only giving her two more months. She is in liver and renal failure as well as retaining fluids. She is also in the not so early stages of congestive heart failure. There are lucid moments and moments when she 'wants to put a brownie in her ear' and will tell you so.
While Anita's mother also lives in Tucson, I believe Anita is handling most of the care as well as working full time and dealing with her own health issues.
Needless to say I'm going to Tucson this week. One to see Margaret while the lucid moments are more than the demential ones; two to see my sister and try to help as much as I can for the short while I can be there for her.
I am taking Cliff with me, since he is a therapy dog and the place that Margaret is in encourages animal visits. Perhaps he'll help make some of the other people there feel better too.
It seems like so very little though. While I consider Anita my family, I do not consider our mother nor our grandmother the way everyone else sees their mother and grandmother. They didn't raise me (thank goodness - story for another time), but the sense of obligation is still there.
So the her I'm going to be there for is three fold - for Anita because she's done so much, Margaret because she did say she'd like to see me, and me because I feel this is something I need to do.
I leave Thursday morning and will be back the following Monday.
I found my biological mother 12 years ago and with her a half sister whom I adore as well as a grandmother whom I've only met once, 5 years ago. We were a little worried about telling her that I found them. I am the 'bastard' grandchild that was given up after all. I represent failure on a large scale.
My sister is Anita and in the past two years she's had a heck of a burden to bear. Our grandmother Margaret and Margaret's husband (not our grandfather) have been declining in health. Anita managed to get the husband moved to a VA hospital near Tucson (they were in Las Vegas) and got Margaret settled in the house next door to her (how's that for convenience?).
Anita had to place Margaret in hospice care last week. The doctors are only giving her two more months. She is in liver and renal failure as well as retaining fluids. She is also in the not so early stages of congestive heart failure. There are lucid moments and moments when she 'wants to put a brownie in her ear' and will tell you so.
While Anita's mother also lives in Tucson, I believe Anita is handling most of the care as well as working full time and dealing with her own health issues.
Needless to say I'm going to Tucson this week. One to see Margaret while the lucid moments are more than the demential ones; two to see my sister and try to help as much as I can for the short while I can be there for her.
I am taking Cliff with me, since he is a therapy dog and the place that Margaret is in encourages animal visits. Perhaps he'll help make some of the other people there feel better too.
It seems like so very little though. While I consider Anita my family, I do not consider our mother nor our grandmother the way everyone else sees their mother and grandmother. They didn't raise me (thank goodness - story for another time), but the sense of obligation is still there.
So the her I'm going to be there for is three fold - for Anita because she's done so much, Margaret because she did say she'd like to see me, and me because I feel this is something I need to do.
I leave Thursday morning and will be back the following Monday.
Monday, July 14, 2008
What would you do?
I don't know what to do.
I have a son that I gave up for adoption. He turned 18 in May. I know where he is, I know his parents name and address.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if he knows he's adopted.
I want to let them have my contact information. As an adoptee myself, I know how hard it was to find my birthmother. As a birthmother I want to make it easier for him, while being terrified that he won't want to meet me. I cannot say that I blame him. I've been where he is and my birthmother is a real piece of work.
I have a very close friend that lives 15 minutes from him who will let me use her as a reference. Her daughter knows him through Facebook. It truly is a small world.
So do I:
Contact him directly?
Contact his parents first?
Go through an intermediary?
I have registered with the International Reunion Registry.
What would you do?
I have a son that I gave up for adoption. He turned 18 in May. I know where he is, I know his parents name and address.
I don't know what to do. I don't know if he knows he's adopted.
I want to let them have my contact information. As an adoptee myself, I know how hard it was to find my birthmother. As a birthmother I want to make it easier for him, while being terrified that he won't want to meet me. I cannot say that I blame him. I've been where he is and my birthmother is a real piece of work.
I have a very close friend that lives 15 minutes from him who will let me use her as a reference. Her daughter knows him through Facebook. It truly is a small world.
So do I:
Contact him directly?
Contact his parents first?
Go through an intermediary?
I have registered with the International Reunion Registry.
What would you do?
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Happy Birthday Nephew Mine
I still don't have pictures, for which I can still blame your mother. :-)
Happy 22nd Birthday Michael.
I hope you are well.
Love,
Aunt Jenni
Happy 22nd Birthday Michael.
I hope you are well.
Love,
Aunt Jenni
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Tired of the Brick Wall
It seems we get one step closer to getting a child in our home only to find out something else is standing in our way.
We got our foster license 5 weeks ago. We've been hoping for a phone call, something anything, saying come meet this child we hope to place with you. I've been patient and not called the social worker every single day since the license came in the mail. I only called once to apologize for missing the picnic when I first got sick.
I caved today and called my social worker (SW) at Family, Youth and Children's Services and politely asked if there was anything we should be doing to get a placement sooner.
The first thing my licensing SW said was well how far along in the adoption process are you? I was thinking what the h* does that have to do with getting a foster child. I said not very far because they will not give me the paperwork because we are still trying to get pregnant with medical intervention. Full disclosure here people.
However I was calling them (my adoption specialist) back this week and saying "Look! See! Still NOT PREGNANT! Send me the frakking paperwork. " But I shall wait until I'm not so pissy about it.
So I nicely told the SW that I was calling the adoption specialist back this week and requesting the paperwork.
She said okay and that our placement would probably come through the adoption people because we are listed as a Fost/Adopt home. Again with the people that won't deal with me yet.
So I asked her if that meant that we would get a placement when we start the process with the Adoption people, or if that meant we had to wait till we got approved by them. She said it wouldn't be until we got approved by them. At least 6 months away. And that is if I'd already submitted the paperwork I cannot have.
I asked the SW why we couldn't have a placement now. We fully understand that it may not be permanent, that the child may go home or to a relative. That is always the hope. We are more than willing to offer a child a safe and loving environment until their situation is worked out, or they move on to their permanent home, if ours does not suit them.
She said that she thought that we were only interested in children with minimal legal risk, meaning a very small likelihood of going home. I think I set her straight on that, politely and calmly.
That we are still open to any age group. When it comes time for permanent placement a younger child MIGHT (big big might there people) be preferred if only in regards to attachment issues. But I flat out said simply that we are ready to have a child in our home, even if that child isn't there to stay.
We are fully prepared to have to let the child go. Why else have I been reading every attachment, adoption, parenting hurt children book I can get my hands on for the past 6 months?
At the end of the conversation (in which I congratulated myself for not screaming my fool head off at the woman - I really really wanted to) she said she would send an email out to her staff within the next few days letting them know we are available and ready.
I hung up, promptly burst into tears, and called Ken and made sure I hadn't told her anything he did not agree with as well.
Yes I'm complaining again. But this shouldn't be this hard. A bunch of dingbat teenagers can get pregnant as part of a pact, but I cannot help some child get through a very traumatic experience and give them a safe loving environment in which to heal, maybe for a little while, maybe forever.
This brick wall hurts and I'm a little tired of banging my head on it.
We got our foster license 5 weeks ago. We've been hoping for a phone call, something anything, saying come meet this child we hope to place with you. I've been patient and not called the social worker every single day since the license came in the mail. I only called once to apologize for missing the picnic when I first got sick.
I caved today and called my social worker (SW) at Family, Youth and Children's Services and politely asked if there was anything we should be doing to get a placement sooner.
The first thing my licensing SW said was well how far along in the adoption process are you? I was thinking what the h* does that have to do with getting a foster child. I said not very far because they will not give me the paperwork because we are still trying to get pregnant with medical intervention. Full disclosure here people.
However I was calling them (my adoption specialist) back this week and saying "Look! See! Still NOT PREGNANT! Send me the frakking paperwork. " But I shall wait until I'm not so pissy about it.
So I nicely told the SW that I was calling the adoption specialist back this week and requesting the paperwork.
She said okay and that our placement would probably come through the adoption people because we are listed as a Fost/Adopt home. Again with the people that won't deal with me yet.
So I asked her if that meant that we would get a placement when we start the process with the Adoption people, or if that meant we had to wait till we got approved by them. She said it wouldn't be until we got approved by them. At least 6 months away. And that is if I'd already submitted the paperwork I cannot have.
I asked the SW why we couldn't have a placement now. We fully understand that it may not be permanent, that the child may go home or to a relative. That is always the hope. We are more than willing to offer a child a safe and loving environment until their situation is worked out, or they move on to their permanent home, if ours does not suit them.
She said that she thought that we were only interested in children with minimal legal risk, meaning a very small likelihood of going home. I think I set her straight on that, politely and calmly.
That we are still open to any age group. When it comes time for permanent placement a younger child MIGHT (big big might there people) be preferred if only in regards to attachment issues. But I flat out said simply that we are ready to have a child in our home, even if that child isn't there to stay.
We are fully prepared to have to let the child go. Why else have I been reading every attachment, adoption, parenting hurt children book I can get my hands on for the past 6 months?
At the end of the conversation (in which I congratulated myself for not screaming my fool head off at the woman - I really really wanted to) she said she would send an email out to her staff within the next few days letting them know we are available and ready.
I hung up, promptly burst into tears, and called Ken and made sure I hadn't told her anything he did not agree with as well.
Yes I'm complaining again. But this shouldn't be this hard. A bunch of dingbat teenagers can get pregnant as part of a pact, but I cannot help some child get through a very traumatic experience and give them a safe loving environment in which to heal, maybe for a little while, maybe forever.
This brick wall hurts and I'm a little tired of banging my head on it.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
Be Safe Have Fun
I shall be spending the next three days hanging out at Sugar Barge in my rig or on the Sacramento River Delta on my jet ski.
Have a fun and safe 4th of July everyone.
Have a fun and safe 4th of July everyone.
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