Monday, July 14, 2008

What would you do?

I don't know what to do.

I have a son that I gave up for adoption. He turned 18 in May. I know where he is, I know his parents name and address.

I don't know what to do. I don't know if he knows he's adopted.

I want to let them have my contact information. As an adoptee myself, I know how hard it was to find my birthmother. As a birthmother I want to make it easier for him, while being terrified that he won't want to meet me. I cannot say that I blame him. I've been where he is and my birthmother is a real piece of work.

I have a very close friend that lives 15 minutes from him who will let me use her as a reference. Her daughter knows him through Facebook. It truly is a small world.

So do I:

Contact him directly?

Contact his parents first?

Go through an intermediary?

I have registered with the International Reunion Registry.

What would you do?


Jen in CT said...

I would wait. I would wait to at least find out if he knows that he's adopted. It must be hard. :-(


Contact the adoptive parents is what I recommend. I have helped a few first mothers find. I need to get a feel of the relationship that you had previously with the adoptive parents. Did you always know this information? If that is the case, contact his parents. If not, I would keep an eye on his myspace acct to get a better clue about him and his relationship about them.

DK said...

I'd contact his parents.

Don't just cyberstalk him, that's only going to frustrate you and be unproductive.

I've been on the recieving end of that deep dark family secret surfacing (my half-sister called me one day. First I'd ever heard of that. Turns out I have six half-sibs), and wow, I really hope they've told him. Is alls I'm saying. I think it could be nice for him to know you're, like, normal, and made a very loving choice for him.

I don't know if I've ever told you this, but I got pregnant after being raped when I was fifteen. I lost the pregnancy, thankfully, because I can't imagine having to make those unspeakably hard decisions like you did at such a diminutive age. Cannot imagine.

Moni said...

I think it would be good to talk to his adoptive parents first so that you can at least find out what he knows. I think that, even though he is 18 and is an adult, it might be good to talk to them first.

Xenia said...

I agree that it's best to contact his adoptive parents. Surely in this day & age, he knows he is adopted. BUT! If he does not, I think it has to be the adoptive parent's place to do the telling.

I think you could give your full contact information, stress that you want contact only if he feels the same way. Give lots of reassurance to the adoptive parents, perhaps even send your picture, etc. Then let it rest. and try to be at peace about it.
(Easy for me to say, huh!?)

I will say a prayer that all works out. BTW, I'm one of your lurkers, but couldn't stay quiet about this subject; it's a huge one, with many tugs on YOUR heartstrings...

Romi said...

Contact his parents through an intermediary. :)

And good luck!


Running by.... said...

I always err on the side of caution. First register in International Reunion Registry, and perhaps wait a few months. Then maybe contact the parents through an intermediary (Kate?), but then what do I know.

Good luck with whatever you decide.