Monday, May 12, 2008

That Landing needed to be MUCH Softer

I think those of you that know me understand that Mother's Day is a very hard day for me.

1. I technically have a son that will 18 years old in two weeks (yikes) that I gave up for adoption.
2. I have been trying unsuccessfully for almost 3 years to have another child with my husband.

So yeah Mother's Day is hard. I spend a good portion of the day being teary. Reading about that woman in Arkansas who is carrying child number 18 right now, doesn't help. Reading about some woman that went out partying while her kids burned or the father that threw his kids off a bridge just makes me want to bury my head in the sand.

Which is neither healthy nor productive. People tell me that as soon as we give up hope and just stop trying, that's when it will happen. How in the h* do you give up hope for something that you want that much (to be a mom - to make my husband a father)?

My friend Kate wrote a lovely post yesterday. You should go read it. I want that: the uncertainty, the responsibility, the joy and the pain of parenthood.

But for now it seems I get to deal with the pain of my own stupidity. I spent yesterday recovering from a cold that knocked me out Saturday and doing chores and putting my house back together. Mid afternoon Hubby had my quad ready to try out in the yard.

He wants me to be able to take a tight turn (sometimes it is necessary to save you from a really bad drop off - not that he's gonna get me on a trail like that in the first place, but still) on the quad. Now that I can do no problem on my jet ski on water or on a tube with my husband trying to knock me into said water.

However I tried it yesterday on a quad on the land and in my stupidity, I translated lean into the turn, as lean into the OUTSIDE of the quad on the turn.

Can you guess what happened? Yup flipped that sucker right over and me with it.
And since I was just testing it out, I had none of my protective gear on.

Landed on my right side. Shredded my right palm and elbow (it's pretty ugly) and my shoulder. I'm still (a day later) finding splinters and at this point I'm totally waiting for an infection to happen. There was a lot of dirt. I won't even tell you about the grass stains on my face. At least my hair hides that one.

I really must use a less painful way to prove my husband wrong, In telling me what I needed to try, he said nothing would happen and I'd be just fine. He forgot to factor in the 'Dingbat' part of the equation. Sigh.

On top of that, Sock Wars kicked off Friday and I'm only up to the 5th repeat of the pattern in the leg and I cannot knit. I tried. It hurts way too much.

I am so dying by the end of the week, but it means my target will live a while longer. I still get a pair of socks out of it. :-) Just wish I were a little brighter some days.

A belated Happy Mother's Day to all my mom friends out there (and yeah this is by no means all of you):

Susan (your furbabies count in my book)
Kate (a different blogless one)
Kate (and hugs to her Miss Mags)
Carinne (blogless too - I need to fix that)

They know how lucky and blessed they are and the local ones let me play with their kids.

PS - On the off chance someone comes through here and says how can I want that now and still have given my son up, I say this:

It's THE hardest thing I've ever had to do. And yet I would do it again because it's what was best for him. You are not me, you don't know me, and therefore you may not judge me.


no-blog-rachel said...

I'm sorry life's been tough lately, and I can't imagine how painful it must have been to give up your son. But the reason you did it says everything.


Running by.... said...

I have no doubt what you did at the time was the right decision! I'm so confident that you'll be a Mommy again someday.

Do heal up soon. I don't want to be the only one knitting (or yearning to knit) at work!

Alison said...

You put him and you put love first. I am in awe.

Jamie/Moira said...

Completely off topic - if you are interested and/or available. ....

Feel Free to Cross Post

Next Tuesday May 20th is Game Night at DV~'s lodge in Sebastopol.
If there are any knitters out there who would like to join me to make it a knit night as well, let me know.

Masonic Lodge‎
373 N Main St
Sebastopol, CA 95472‎

7 PM to 9:00 - 9:30 ish

Game/Knitting is the third Tuesday of the month.

Jamie/Moira said...

Correction - 4th Tuesday May 27th

Corrected LJ Post is

The Fourth Tuesday of the month
The next one is Tuesday May 27th
That is the same night as Game Night at DV~'s lodge in Sebastopol.

If there are any knitters out there who would like to join me to make it a knit night as well, let me know.

Masonic Lodge‎
373 N Main St
Sebastopol, CA 95472‎

7 PM to 9:00 - 9:30 ish

I look forward to seeing you!

Game/Knitting is the fourth Tuesday of the month.


DK said...

I think adoption is the bravest thing you can do as a parent. Well, possibly second to fostering.

You are an amazing, amazing, strong, loving woman. Anyone would be blessed to have you as a mom, in any and every sense of the word.

Allena said...

I'm so sorry mom's day is hard for you! you should be proud b/c adoption is a hard and selfless thing to do.
big hugs and I think anyone who looks down on you for that is sooo wrong!