Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Forever 16 (PIF)

and today he would have been 37.

This is my brother, Robbie. It is the only picture I have of him, and I swiped it out of my senior high school year book this morning.

What can I tell you?

  • He and I were 3 months apart in age
  • He became a member of our family when he was 2.
  • He was 6'4" and still doing his beanstalk impersonation
  • He had blond hair and green eyes
  • He hated PE, actually I think school in general, but he was really smart.
  • When he played baseball, it seems like he could get from first to second base in three strides.
  • He adored our nephew Michael and his mother, our sister, Christine.
  • He was more troubled than any of us ever saw
  • He chose to end his life 20+ years ago and I still don't know why he did it, and it's a question that can never be answered.
And yet, to this day I wonder why, what would have become of him if he hadn't made that choice, what our family dynamics would be if he were still here.

We fought like cats and dogs - we were teenagers after all - but I miss him.

He left a lot of pain behind when it happened:

He left his pain here
But he left the rest of us hurting because we couldn't see what was so wrong that death was a better choice than life.

He also left two songs to remember him by - Bon Jovi's Never Say Goodbye and Pat Benatar's Love is a Battlefield.

I'll be playing those today, it seems appropriate, don't you think?

This also seems like an appropriate time to have signed up for the PIF that's been running through blog land.

So in his name:

I will send a handmade gift to the first 3 people who leave a comment on my blog requesting to join this PIF exchange. I don’t know what that gift will be yet and you may not receive it tomorrow or next week, but you will receive it within 365 days. That is my promise. The only thing you have to do in return is pay it forward by making the same promise on your blog.

Also note that it doesn't have to be a knit item. It can be crochet, quilting, cross stitch, woodworking, whatever you choose as your craft of choice.

Help me Pay it Forward and we'll see how I did same time, same place, next year.

I leave you with my senior yearbook dedication:

There is no greater sorrow than to recall in misery, the times when we were happy. Robert you'll never be forgotten.

Love your sister,


Chicken Mama said...

Hello, dear friend. I am so sorry for your pain. I am taken by your honest admission of your loss. Pass my PIF on to the next person and I promise to post a PIF on my blog. XXOO

Romi said...


I'm so so sorry.

I have tears in my eyes from your post. I can't even begin to comprehend what you are feeling and what you have felt. I'm thinking of you. Words seem so woefully inadequate.


no-blog-rachel said...

I am so sorry. I know what it's like to have a loved one take their own life - I still don't understand.


You wrote a lovely, sad post.

Alison said...

Oh honey, I'm so sorry. If only he could have foreseen, then, the love that is still so strong and always will be. Hugs to you and to the thoughts of him from me.

--AlisonH at

Kathleen said...

So sorry for your loss of a brother, Jen. May you have continued love from hubby,pets, family and friends! Hope to see again soon.
hugs Kathleen