Home

is a very good place to be.

We were going to go on a short ride today. Especially after the spectacular meltdown of yesterday.

However hubby's quad, which was iffy all weekend, absolutely refused to start. Plus mine decided to start leaking fuel. So we got everything broken down and loaded and left camp around 11:30.

We stopped at Lake Mendo, or what's left of it (we need rain bad), and we swapped out and I drove the rest of the way home.

Gas wise it was a really cheap weekend. Only cost us about $200 total and we didn't go through all the gas we took with us (see yesterday's meltdown and Jenn refusing to get back on a quad - I did though).

Last night was a nice pot luck by campfire.

So we are home. We are tired and I still have Sunday's chores to finish.

Thus ends Jenn's lame contribution to her first ever NaBloPoMo

As for NaKniSweMo, well, um, er, eh, I did actually knit on hubby's sweater this month but it is sure a long way from finished.

I did finish my Cherry Garcia cowl. Then frogged the last repeat and bound off again. It should be perfect for the Christmas trip unless I decide to give it to someone as a Christmas present.

Completely Mental Breakdown

I had a complete breakdown on the trail to Bear Wallow (willow? whatever).

Was scared to death. Didn't want to go any farther. I do NOT like my quad.

After hubby got mad and got upset and got me to calm down and stop freaking out (this would be me screaming NO NO NO NO NO NO at the top of my lungs and crying in the middle of the trail - and yes I'm 38 why do you ask?)

He got me on his quad, which is MUCH BIGGER and way MORE STABLE, and I made it back down without another freak out.

Sigh.

Again the campfire saved me at the end of the day.

Dirt

Lots and lots and lots of dirt.

Lots and lots of Jenn freaking out on her quad going up to M5.

Hubby cracking the frame on the go-kart. Still not sure how that happened but he is fine.

MMMM camp fires good.

Knitting by camp fire pretty good too

Happy Thanksgiving.

Hugs and good wishes for all my friends out there.

Have a good one.

See you Sunday.

Yeah that means I'm blowing NaBloPoMo.

Oh well. I'll have plenty to back post.

What I'll be Playing with this Weekend

Last time I was on a quad I rolled it.

Time before that I sprained my wrist.

And I've managed to roll the Kart twice.

This should be fun.

Not Cooperating

New pills to prep for IVF are mucking up my system good.

So I feel like crap, my body is not behaving itself.

Just reminding myself that it's worth it, and it is. No doubt about that.

This is what we want and hopefully it will work.

Keep your fingers crossed.

I'll think we will need all the help we can get over the next two months.

That Kind of Day

Hubby let's me know after my alarm went off that Smokey Cat had been in the house all night. This is the cat that doesn't use the community litter box.

So I get up and grab the black light and start sniffing out 'accidents'. Find nothing and hit the shower.

Battle with Scrat monster over the muzzle. I think I'm winning (ha)

Head to car.

Grab socks from purse to put in gym bag, notice they are wet. What? Smell them.

Smokey Cat peed IN MY PURSE. My Hollywood Pink Malibu Namaste bag. IN IT!

Pull everything out that is wet and does not reek and throw into spare bag in car and head to work after going back in and grabbing the black light and telling hubby.

Scream all way to work (he ruined my Winnie the Pooh wallet too which I cannot replace).

Get to work and make sure the pee didn't get on my knitting. Noro Silk Garden need I say more?

Figure out I can pull the liner most of the way out and stick it in the sink (after emailing Namaste directly). Wash it thoroughly with soap and water. Slap in front of space heater at work.

Go to lunch to find new wallet (love Wilson Leather Outlet).

Come back and liner is dry and doesn't stink. Woo hoo. Maybe saved. May still have to rip out bottom seam of liner and scrub leatherette inside per Namaste.

Get call from hubby that Foster Lady returned my call. They still think we will only take a child we can adopt. Which means our placement has to come from adoption. Who still won't send me the paperwork because I'm undergoing fertility treatment (called again today to beg for the paperwork - didn't work). Hopefully have cleared this up again. We will take a child that might go home. We understand that. We are prepared. We don't care. We just want a child in our home. We are ready. Was told that if we still don't have a placement in 2 months we should go to a private foster agency. Which means relicensing.

I am going to pull my hair out.

But it sure looks like we won't have a placement before Christmas.

And yeah I'm crying.

Productive or Not?

You decide.

9:00 am - roll over look at clock, see hubby is out of bed, roll back over.

10:30 am - look at clock again and decide to stop being a slug

11:00 am - finish shower as hubby sticks his head in to see if he can have his turn.

11:30 am - have finished drying hair, brushing teeth making sure I don't stink and release the hounds

We start a plan to get Scrat to associate Number 2 with getting the muzzle off. Problem is you have to get him to go number 2 first. Gr. So for a walk we go and that works and off comes the muzzle

12:00 pm - start a multitude of laundry since we are going on a quad trip for thanksgiving.

12:30 pm - make sure my villages (travian server 6) are still standing in spite of inbound attacks. Ask hubby for reinforcements.

12:45 pm - start project Kitchen Reclamation while hubby start Garage Reclamation. Overlap each other by bringing him garage stuff from kitchen and taking house stuff in from garage. I'm not sure who won.

1:30 pm - decide I need to learn how to break the back end loose on both my quad and my cart. Finding riding gear first since last time we tried this it ended up with me bleeding profusely and sporting several lovely new scars.

2:30 pm - can break the back end loose from both without going into a roll. This is a good thing. Go back to working on the house and laundry

4:45 pm - figure out how to get Hubby's quad, my quad and my Kart into a 10' X 6.5 ' trailer. Be glad I'm not the one towing it once we do figure it out. Out of 12 tires, only 8 are actually on the floor of the trailer. Don't ask, I'll post a pic.

5:30 pm - have all the finished clothes put away and constant washer dryer swap outs happening. Tell Nemo the LOUD cat it's NOT dinner time yet.

5:45 pm - see what damage the last village raid did (why on earth are these idiot sending 300 TTs to my BFE village when I'm just going to kill all of them?) Tell hubby he lost some horse troops and to move reins to my next village that is getting attacked in a couple of hours.

6:00 pm - dig through freezer for dinner. Ooh ham and BBQ sauce on french rolls. Take trash out since tomorrow is garbage day.

6:30 pm - feed fur babies so they will BE QUIET. You'd they were starving. Feed hubby.

6:45 pm - the battle with Scrat and the Muzzle and going potty with the muzzle on begins anew. Needless to say he gets another walk and I'm freezing my tuckus off.

7:00 pm - start this blog post after maybe teaching Scrat that number 2 means no more muzzle.

7:09 pm - wrap up blog post so I can go in and eat my sandwich that I left on the counter 20 minutes ago. Hope Rasta didn't find it.

7:15 pm - edited multiple times to fix mistakes. Probably don't catch all of them. Sigh I was a physics and computer science major, cut me some slack, eh?

Beyond Tired

6:30 am - Wake up for Kickboxing class

7:30 to 8:30 am - Kickboxing

10:30 to 2:30 pm - Funeral

3:00 to 11:00 pm - Docent meeting and public night at observatory.

I don't know about you but I'm going to bed

Muzzle Training...

... you'd think I was beating the little guy with a lead pipe.

Scrat the Brat eats rocks. Any of the people that follow this blog knows this.

I have insurance on him now and that helped with the last episode, but we like there to NOT be a third episode lest it finally be the one that means he has to be cut open. Not a good chance to take.

So Scrat is being 'woeful'. You put the soft mesh nylon muzzle on him and he starts shaking and gets that no one can resist (unless you've been dog owner for a VERY long time) poor poor me look on his face and stops still.

So out comes the leash so I can walk my dog around the yard because he will not go potty with the muzzle on without being on lead.

I guess he thinks that if he has to wear the darn thing, I have to walk him, even though I am always outside with them the entire time they are out in the yard (it's not fully fenced and they believe in walkabouts).

But I'm not caving this time. He's going to get used to the muzzle or rub his nose raw while he's outside trying to get it off. But it will stay on, he will go potty and Mommy will not cave and he will not eat anymore rocks if I can help it.

This will Fly

The words our best man said at our wedding:

I've seen them fly before
- off of a 5 foot wake given by a willing yacht
- sky beneath them

When they landed and no knife was whipped
- out to alter the smile of a daredevil

This might work

They are
- companions
- coworkers
- playmates
and lovers

Each strong and capable in ways that elicit respect from one another

- This will Fly

To Love to Ken & Jenn

Wordless Wednesday

Done

This day, this week, this whatever is pissing me off royally right now and causing MASSIVE MOOD SWINGS needs to stop right frakking now.

If it is the BC Pills I started two days ago I'm going to kill someone I swear. Because to get to IVF and children I have to go through them first.

GRRRRRRRR!

The Goddess in You

or me rather....

YOU ARE ATHENA

Animal: Owl
Color: Blue

Athena is one of the most powerful goddesses in Greek mythology. She was born from the head of Zeus. Zeus - father of all gods, and Metis - the titan of wisdom, had conceived a child. Zeus was worried about this child becoming more powerful than he was. He had the pregnant Metis turned into a fly and ate her. However, he later developed an incredibly powerful headache. He asked another god to bash him in the head to cure it, and out popped Athena, fully armored.

Athena is one of the most courageous of the Greek Goddesses. The city of Athens was named after her - a place of civilization, beauty, strength. Athena was the protectoress of the weak, the patron of warriors, the one who looked after women and children. She always liked to reason her way through an argument, but if she had to defend herself with weapons, she was extremely skilled. She was both independent and nurturing.

Athena is very good at crafts, and is most fond of pottery, spinning and weaving. She is the goddess of wisdom, and is usually represented by the wise owl.

Which Goddess are you?

The last section of that shouldn't come as any surprise to anyone that actually knows me.

This was total swiped from PerpStu

PS this does not mean I'm going to start collecting owls. But I might have to go watch Clash of the Titans again.

Books

I don't talk much about books here on the blog, though I'm an avid reader.

Spent the day running errands, returning muzzles that didn't fit the rock eater (A.k.a Scrat the brat). So I had him with me today so I could make sure I got the right size.

Of course he hates them and does his best to master the 'Oh woe is me' look when he has it on, but I'm tired of forking over hundreds of dollars to get them out of his system. And it doesn't hurt him. And trust me, ruptured bowels would be worse and we have been lucky so far and haven't had to cut him open to remove any and I don't want to have to. They rarely survive that. Not taking any chances.

I picked up two new books today by Dean Koontz: The Darkest Night of the Year (I'm already up to page 200 and something) and Sole Survivor.

Now I'm going to go into the house and color my hair, read some more and probably work on the necklace I'm making for a friend for Christmas. Or knit. Or finish the laundry (oh that's funny). Or just veg.

Hope Springs Eternal...

and then you realized it's a rusty spring.

We are still trying to get pregnant.

We have the IVF lined up to start next month.

There are $3000 worth of fertility drugs in my fridge.

We had hoped we got lucky naturally this cycle.

Twas not to be in spite of being three days late based on my last two cycles.

I'm spotting which means tomorrow temps will have dropped and I'll be in pain. The mental part of that show has already started.

You'd think after three years and in spite of knowing we have a IVF lined up, it wouldn't hurt this much. But it does and I suspect it will for a long time to come.

You want to rant and wail at whatever power that be that has decided that this isn't something that is going to come easy, in spite of the woman leaving her four year old at home to go on a drinking binge. Or the mother that drowned her kids by driving her car into a river or drowned them in the tub. Or the father that almost beat his toddler to death on the side of the highway. Or the b* that locked his daughter in the basement and forced himself on her for decades.

You wonder what you are doing wrong? What should you be doing differently? Why them, but not you?

Is it punishment for giving my son up all those years ago? He got a much better life than I could give him at the time. I did the right thing then, but am I paying for it now?

I just don't know. And most days it is the wondering why that is almost enough to keep me in bed. To lose that battle of tackling the new day rather than hiding from it.

I just wish I knew why me.

When the Light at the End of the Tunnel...

.. is really the nonstop Express Train.

Monday I went back to the audiologist to order my new hearing aid. Oticon Epoq XW in Purple with a black Streamer and Orange Skin.

She checks my ear before putting in the goop for the impression and notices a block. Yep, disguta-Jenn has a complete blocked ear canal. That has never happened before.

So I make an appointment to get it cleared out. I ask her if that could have affected my speech recognition scores and she said maybe and that we will retest.

That was this morning. The block is gone. The hearing aid is ordered. My speech recognition scores did not improve at all. And we did it twice with different words.

Still 40%. Still a 22% drop in two years. Still no way to get it back. Still very sad about it.

Comments Broken??

Geez either you folks are slacking, I'm boring the h* out of you, or I did something to disable comments on my blog.

Which is it?

Wordless Wednesday

He's my best boy, and I wish I had his life. ;-)

I'm Short

So you'd think I'd miss the rafters when I stand up in the attic spaces.

But I swear the darn things jump out at me.

And the last one was a doozy.

I think it's time for bed cause the headache sure isn't going away now, it just moved to the new bump.

To Finish Stuff...

you have to first make a huge mess.

We decided (thanks to a friend that is dying to rearrange my house) to redo the living room.

This meant moving the monster TV. That would be a 52" Pioneer Plasma from it's lovely corner in the living room, to it's very own wall.

But first it all got moved into the dining room.

That would be a wall with no power. And a top plate stuffed into a roof corner with 4" of clearance. That means drilling from below. Which means opening up the wall.

Since we are moving the orientation from a corner, with the couch cutting across the living room diagonally, to a wall, all the speakers had to be moved for the surround sound to work.

That means running all new speaker wire in the ceiling. As well as relocating the speakers.

Then we thought, oh network. That's one freaking huge monitor there and it's fun to play games on it, but you need internet. So two network lines got ran as well as phone. Don't forget the TV, though we haven't had TV in the house for over two years, we might want it again some day. So let's pull Coax too.

So I actually spent about 6 hours in the attic on Saturday. With loose fiberglass insulation. Have I mentioned just how ALLERGIC to that stuff I am? Triggered my first ever eczema flare 6 years ago which took a ton of prednisone to get under control. That which I cannot take right now. So I am super itchy but keeping it under control by driving everyone else around me nuts.

This is the corner the TV used to be in. See we are neat little wiring freaks and everything runs down the wall to jacks, speakers, network, cable, power. The whole thing.

After getting it moved. The entertainment center got put in place, but not till hubby and a friend spent the better part of Sunday using the dining room table to lay all the components out and figure out how to hook everything up, before it all got backed up to a wall.

So here it is in place, with the TV mounted. The EC in place. The DVD knickknack shelf in place and a huge mess of cables etcetera left over. Hehe.

Our decorator fiend friend will be coming over soon to finish rearranging the rest of the furniture.

And now to knitting. I finished the Dashing Gloves. And OMGosh they fit! This guy has huge hands. When I first started them and still had them on the needles I got him to try to put them on and they wouldn't even go over his hands. But I finished the first one thinking I could give them to another friend. I decided to have him try it on one day and I was nicely surprised and started the second one.

I think he likes them, or he's just super polite. :-) Yarn is the Jo Sharp Silk Tweed, blend something or other. It's yummy to knit with. I hope they last him a while.

It is Looking Good

The wall is patched and painted.

The TV is mounted on the wall.

The entertainment center has been organized and put in place under it.

The shelving unit that holds all the movies and such fits next to it without having to cut into the stone of the hearth.

Hubby thinks it is cool.

I think it is time for bed.

Pictures tomorrow.

More Construction

Almost missed today's post, but for very good reasons.

1. Esthetician visit - hair removal ouch but so worth it

2. Knit group! Woo hoo! First time in over a month and I finished the Dashing gloves for a co-worker finally

3. Remodeling the living room. We are moving the TV and the wall we decided to hang it from didn't have power. So rip a hole in the wall. Realize there's fire blocking. Rip a bigger hole in the wall. Send wife (that would be me) up into the attic to push/pull electric/speaker/coax/network/phone for the better part of four hours. Patch up hole. Watch hubby putting outlets in. Remember I'm in NaBloPoMo. Come out to office and bore my handful of readers to death.

Tomorrow is paint the patch. Mount the TV. Put the furniture in it's new location to utilize ALL of the living room. Sleep. Throw in random snuggles with assorted pets.

Oh and laundry. Never forget the laundry.

Trying Not...

to go on a murderous rampage.

I doubt I will. If I'm going to prison it's going to be for something totally fun.

And that's all I have today.

How to Keep Going...

...even when you would much rather curl up in that dark hole with a small light and all your knitting and your dog and never come out.

I have a friend that I know reads this blog. This is in direct response to something they are going through these days, but I do not know if the person is clued in to their own behavior enough to recognize what I am going to discuss. If they do recognize it, maybe they will thank me, maybe they will stop talking to me, but it needs to be said.

So this is intended to be a huge dose of get your head out of your butt because you are not the only one that has ever gone through anything like this, will go through anything like this, that there are worse things that could happen and if I can do it you sure as h* can.

I have 'formally' suffered from depression for over 6 years now. I say formally because I had to really hit rock bottom (as in almost suicidal) to realize that I did not want to follow my brother down that path. Note that I do not state that I am no longer suffering from it.

I've had three different therapists over the years. Been on meds and have been med (at least anti depressants) free for over 5 years. I do not believe you can treat depression with therapy alone. The meds can help. That said I won't take them any longer than necessary either. In my case they are not a solution, merely a means to one.

I do not believe that being depressed gives you a free pass to be passive about everything that happens to you, to just take whatever life throws at you, or to whine about it.

Even today, it is a struggle to get out of bed in the morning. I do not want to face the day. It is so much easier to just stay in bed. This in spite of the fact that I love my job, even when it is driving me nuts. I love my husband, even when he is driving me nuts. I have a few choice good friends that are worth getting up for as well. Depression is not logical, but neither can it win.

Every day that I manage to get out of bed and get on with my life is another battle won.

Some people would say I don't have anything to be depressed about. I have a lovely home, a husband that loves me, more animals then I ever thought I'd get to have, a good job, and some very dear friends.

Again with the not logical. But they don't know my history, where I've been, what I've gone through to get to where I am today. It is not something you can just get over, but it is something you can learn to deal with rather than letting it control you. But you have to WANT to beat it, not just deal with it, or use it to hold pity parties.

Then we talk about dealing with physical pain. Unfortunately this is also something I'm well versed in. For the past year+ I've been in constant pain more than 75% of the time. Some days it's better than others, other days it can prevent me from getting out of bed, but I do it ANYWAY. The surgery I had earlier this year did not completely solve the problem. But I get through it. I keep going and for the most part I believe no one has any idea just how much trouble it can be for me to stand up straight some days.

I go to kickboxing to help strengthen my muscles. I'm eating better to get my weight down so it does not make things worse. Granted I hide it from my doctor because the only way I'm being cut open again is for a C-Section or a cochlear implant thank you very much. But if it gets to the point where the getting out of bed cannot happen, I'll go back. I'm not totally stupid.

It can be debilitating, but thankfully those days are few and far between, much more so since the surgery in February.

When I think about giving in to pain and being a cry baby about it, I think of two things. My sister Anita and now my nephew Danny.

My sister Anita has a rare bone disorder that has results in multiple surgeries, mostly in the lower extremities over the course of her life. I cannot believe she walks without pain. But she walks and rides her bike 5 miles a day and she keeps going. I don't know how she does it. But she's one of the most upbeat people I know and the person I want on my side in a fight, because she doesn't give up.

I just recently (last week in fact) got in touch with my sister Chris after a long time of not speaking and found out some very scary news. My 18 year old nephew's left leg was crushed from the knee down in a motorcycle accident in June. He almost lost his leg, heck he almost lost his life. In fact, even right now it is still broken. I don't know how many surgeries he has had in the past five months, but I do know he just finished learning how to walk again ON A BROKEN SHATTERED LEG. And I talked to him.

I am so proud to call this young man my nephew. To him it is no big deal. He called his mom the day of the accident from the ambulance and was so upbeat she thought he was pulling a fast one till the paramedic came on the line. This is just something he has to handle and get through. He sounds great (so much like his father it is scary) and if you did not know what he was going through you would never hear it in his voice. He is a good egg and I am so glad he is still with us.

Life is to be lived, even if the very act of living is sometimes a chore. But you get through it, you bounce back, you get therapy if you need it, meds (legal please - hehe) to help, a different therapist if your current one is a whack job that is just using you as guaranteed income, you suck it up and you move on.

Yes some days will be worse than others, but some will also be better. Look forward to the good ones, rather than dwelling on the bad ones.

And in spite of my pain and my depression, I am happy to be alive, to be here, to have each new day that has been granted me. Because it is one more day to live and get it right.

I need Cuteness Today

How about a double dose?

Knitting Stuff and a Troll

We got our quarterly EARN points last week so I hit Amazon.

I got (ignore most of the rest of the junk you see in the pic - I obviously need to clean my desk off):

Franklin's new book. It's totally adorable
Stephanie's Page a Day Calendar
Nancy Bush's Knitted Lace of Estonia - man they like nupps. I think I'll be using beads instead.
Rosemary's Elements of Style - but it's only available as pre-order right now. Gr. I want it now!

I also got Lego Batman for the PS2 and Lego StarWars the Complete Saga for my DS.

Now that interesting not so little creature you see there in the picture is my new Stargazer Troll.

My hubby got him for me while he was still in Arizona. I LOVE it. You can see more here.

Now I suppose I should go work on that sweater I started for NaKniSweMo.

Just Say No

I am not political by any stretch of the imagination. And this is not a political blog.

Who I vote for on a regular basis tends to lean towards the person that pisses me off the least by the time the election roles around. Maybe that's wrong but at least I vote. And yes my ballot has already been cast for this election.

That said Prop 8 is causing turmoil, and rightly so. I am not very proud of the fact that I live in a state that allowed this to get on the ballot.

You cannot always choose who you love. Just look at women in abusive relationships with no seeming way out because they love the jerkface and cannot imagine life without them even if it means less time in the hospital.

Given the way I'm taxed as a married person, you'd think the government would jump at the chance to get more people on the married side of the tax bracket. They obviously need the money.

The supporters of Prop 8 like to say that same gender relationships are a straight shot to purgatory, and they have a right to their opinion. This is my blog*, therefore you get my opinion.

And let me tell you that any god that would persecute someone for loving another just because they have the same genital makeup, isn't the kind of god I intend to have in charge of my after life.

Besides I'm coming back as one of Rachel's dogs. They have it made.

Just say no to Prop 8.

It is not anyone's right to control what other people want to do with their life as long as it does not hurt you. And same gender marriage does not fall into that category.

*and yes I will practice censorship in the comments if necessary

A Whole Other Kind of Fragile

I was doing chores today and I always glance into any of the rooms that are open in the house. This is because Scrat monster has a habit of being where he shouldn't.

Since Scrat was playing shadow this morning (as in stuck to me like glue) I just glanced into B3 out of habit more than anything. I sure wasn't expecting to see anything (okay other the the huge piles of stuff in there - hush).

However, I ended up doing a double take, because our little girl kitty, Kaji, decided to stake out a spot in an empty box marked fragile in the staging area for all the stuff we brought back from Arizona.

On the unusual side was that she stayed in it long enough for me to get a picture, even if she wasn't too thrilled with that.

It's November

Not exactly sure when that happened.

Okay hush you smart aleck in the back, I know 12:00 am this morning. :-P

It's been a rough month and a half, with hubby's mom passing away, taking care of all of that. Work has been way more stressful lately. Then you take into account my latest hearing results and I just want to crawl into a really dark hole with all my knitting (and a small light) and not come out till the world decides to do thing my way.

While I'm dreaming I'd still like a Black Arabian horsey and a 1976 Volkswagen beetle convertible.

There has been knitting. I'm trying to finish a scarf for a friend that just had the same throat surgery as me. Socks for three different people. A sweater for hubby. I have a few hats I want to make as Christmas presents, but we will see how that works out.

I hope to start posting pictures here again soon. It's certainly not for a lack of any, just haven't done it.

Till next time.

Oh, I finally got in contact with my sister Chris again after way too long. Say hi since she might stop by the blog for a gander.