Hope Springs Eternal...

and then you realized it's a rusty spring.

We are still trying to get pregnant.

We have the IVF lined up to start next month.

There are $3000 worth of fertility drugs in my fridge.

We had hoped we got lucky naturally this cycle.

Twas not to be in spite of being three days late based on my last two cycles.

I'm spotting which means tomorrow temps will have dropped and I'll be in pain. The mental part of that show has already started.

You'd think after three years and in spite of knowing we have a IVF lined up, it wouldn't hurt this much. But it does and I suspect it will for a long time to come.

You want to rant and wail at whatever power that be that has decided that this isn't something that is going to come easy, in spite of the woman leaving her four year old at home to go on a drinking binge. Or the mother that drowned her kids by driving her car into a river or drowned them in the tub. Or the father that almost beat his toddler to death on the side of the highway. Or the b* that locked his daughter in the basement and forced himself on her for decades.

You wonder what you are doing wrong? What should you be doing differently? Why them, but not you?

Is it punishment for giving my son up all those years ago? He got a much better life than I could give him at the time. I did the right thing then, but am I paying for it now?

I just don't know. And most days it is the wondering why that is almost enough to keep me in bed. To lose that battle of tackling the new day rather than hiding from it.

I just wish I knew why me.